I can’t write when I need to. I can’t take my thoughts and put them onto paper. I can’t do this assignment. I have things to talk about. I’ve already talked about them. Can I talk about them again? Some people get mad when I repeat things. I’ve learned to stop repeating things. People don’t like repetition. They don’t like to repeat themselves either.
I have things to do. I need to get out of bed. It’s morning, I have class in two hours. It takes two hours to make coffee, breakfast, get dressed, and brush my teeth. I feel like it doesn’t take this long for everyone else. My parents and sister never understood how I took so long. We didn’t know I had ADHD.
I don’t think my mom wanted to know. She took me to Jewish social services when I was in 5th grade so they could evaluate me for autism. They said I didn’t have autism.
They said they thought I might have ADD. They couldn’t evaluate me for ADD. It’s not ADD, it’s ADHD. My mom knew. She didn’t pursue it.
She’s a substitute teacher. She’s seen kids with ADHD, young kids, get prescribed heavy medication. That’s what the doctors prescribe. That’s what the other teachers want the kids to take. She didn’t want me on medication, said it would permanently alter my brain chemistry. She was scared.
I don’t think medication was necessary in my case.
It would have been nice to have other accommodations though.
I think I might need medication now.
I was almost 18 when I got my diagnosis. I found out my older sister got diagnosed with ADHD too, a few years before mine. I didn’t know about it. They never brought it up. They were in college. Mom didn’t mention it.
Or did she?
I can’t remember.
My clock is set 5 minutes fast so I get to class early.
I show up to class 5 minutes late.
It’s 7:30 pm. I should find a place to wrap up my homework so I can start heating up a frozen dinner. I don’t have the energy to cook. Cooking from scratch takes hours. Cooking takes longer for me than others.
It’s 8:00. I should eat. I’m no longer working. I’m sitting at my desk.
It’s 9:00. I need to eat.
It’s 10:00. I still havent eaten.
It’s 10:30 and I’m finally starting to heat up dinner.
I finish eating at 11:00. I still need to shower. I won’t get into my bed if I don’t shower, because I don’t want the sheets or blankets to get dirty, because I don’t want to clean them. I can’t clean them. I have a washing machine. I just can’t clean the sheets.
I need to sleep.
I need to get into bed.
I can’t leave my desk.
I’m going to do this tomorrow.
It’s tomorrow.
Unruly Bodies 
Thank you for sharing this. I think the way you wrote this made that much more real and relatable what so many people go through. And its such a difficult reality when no one else talks about what a struggle executive dysfunction is and how isolating it feels. Often, time just doesnʻt make sense to me and I feel baffled when I watch others function along its linear pathway as if its the most natural thing – finding motivation, maintaining momentum, keeping an active rhythm – instead of being stuck in a time warp where nothing moves, including myself. Your portrayal very poetically lays out this reality and I appreciate it.
Thank you so much for sharing this. You wrote out my life on this page in such a clear way; I commend you for being able to name exactly how this dysfunction feels. I hope that your mom can see you fully, and help you get some of the things you need to function easier whatever that may look like. I hope you can find peace in the chaos and see your self fully.