music

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My Fused Violin, My Musical Body

Music has always been my way of expression, whether it be through an instrument, a song I sing, or even a dance. Music became a part of my body. Music has always been there for me when I needed to be creative, when I needed to think. As I’m writing this I’m listening to music. Since elementary school I have been enveloped in the love of music. I started to learn how to play violin. My teacher was such a passionate person when it came to teaching music. I think that’s why I began to fall in love more with my music. She always motivated us to keep supporting music and to never let it fade from our hearts. My mom loved hearing me play, she was also in love with music. Her hearing me practice made her joyful that her daughter was carrying on the musical tradition. She was in chorus when she lived in her village and she always came back with awards and trophies because of how beautiful her voice is. My mom’s voice is amazing, she always brings me comfort when she sings to me, I think that also fueled my passion for music. Throughout elementary school, to middle school where I became first chair in my orchestra class, to high-school, the violin was my best friend, my safe space.

When I played my violin, it blurred out all the noise, the voices, the creaking sounds of that music room. I felt my hands connect with my bow, my chinrest melt into the violin. The bow grazing against the string and my fingers pressed on the fingerboard of the violin, creating such beautiful music. I never really told anyone about how connected I am about my violin until this class. I wouldn’t let anyone touch it unless it was the Lashof violin manager repairing my bridge and my strings. When I was sad, I could play my heart out with such balance and heavy energy. When I was happy I would be so quick with my bowing hand and my finger placement. I had the ability to hear a song and mimic it on my violin after two minutes of hearing the song. I would catch every vibrato, every rest, every pitch change. Music was in me, music became me.

When we spoke about music embodiment, the first thing I could think of was my connection to my instruments that I have learned to play over the years. Violin, guitar, bass, cello, and etc. I feel like my parents gave me that musical gene. My dad played trumpet and trombone when he was younger, my mom was so good with her vocal skills, and because of them I became the connection to them for music to live on. I miss playing sometimes since I have not much time to play or take a course in music. But I still play my violin when I am home on break. I still play for myself, my parents here and there. I played for my grandma who also played when she was younger, and she passed, but that’s how I connect to her.

Music is so freeing. I can’t explain how much music saved my life. It saved my body. Music has the power to do so much to a person. Music can move people, it can cause so many different emotions. It can bring different people together. It can help you think. It can help you breathe. It can help you remember your loved ones who aren’t there anymore. It can even create so many memories. Even those who are unable to hear, are able to find music vibrations so powerful. I love music, with all my heart I do. I don’t know where I would be without it in my life. I probably wouldn’t have been able to write this blog post right now without it. As a musician, music is something so powerful, for those who play instruments as well I know you would understand how indescribable music can be. I feel like those who even listen to music understand it too. Music, whether it is being played, being created, being heard, it will always have some sort of embodiment to that person. I would never regret my choice in trying to play the violin, because it wouldn’t have brought me here, where I am able to share my story of how music embodies me.

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com
Music has kept me alive
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Music has kept me alive

Since I was in middle school I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety. I had to find ways to keep myself from going over the edge because sadly during that time I didn’t really feel like I had someone to talk to. Both of my parents are immigrants and if you know, you know. Mental health isn’t a very big thing to them because they grew up being told to get over things and that they’re fine. So they only passed on what they were taught, which is fine I can’t really blame them too much. That only meant that I had to figure it out on my own, so I indulged in music. Mostly Jhene Aiko, she brought me a sense of peace, the beats were soothing, her voice was calm and gentle so honestly she was my escape for a while. Since she helped me so much, whenever I would be sad or in my head I would play her music and it would help me get out of my head. A song by her that has helped me a lot is called W.A.Y.S. Which stands for “why aren’t you smiling”, this song would help me realize that although I’m sad and how I’m feeling is valid, there’s so much to be grateful for.

Now realizing how much music helps me, I try to listen to more upbeat music when I am feeling sad or anxious because it can completely change your mood and vibrations. Honestly, before i used to listen to sad music which would make me sadder. I feel like we’ve all done it before because sometimes you just want to listen to how you feel, but i realized that for me i need to try to get out of the mood as soon as possible before it gets worse. Don’t get me wrong though, i still very much enjoy my “sad” music because alot of the time i can relate to what they’re saying and going through and it’s nice to know that I’m not the only person that feels a specific way. Music can make you realize that we as humans are so much alike.

Music has such a huge influence on people, it can simply be someone’s escape and that’s what it was for me. Unfortunately i don’t have a nice singing voice so i couldn’t really “do” music. But i will always enjoy it, sing other songs, dance to it, just be free when music is on. Thats what it’s about right? Being free and being able to express yourself in a healthy way.

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Happy Phantom!

I am making one extra post because I just remembered a song I should’ve added to the class playlist. Coincidentally I made it my username for WordPress at the beginning of the semester. For me this song means hope and transcendence. I used to listen to it all the time before transitioning. The lyrics really spoke to me:

“And if I die today I’ll be the happy phantom
And I’ll go chasin’ the nuns out in the yard
And I’ll run naked through the streets without my mask on
And I will never need umbrellas in the rain
I’ll wake up in Strawberry Fields every day
And the atrocities of school I can forgive
The happy phantom has no right to bitch”

The line “I will never need umbrellas in the rain” was super important for me because it felt similar to my desire to take my shirt off and feel the rain on my chest. It was all I dreamed about before getting top surgery.

Now looking at the lyrics I think of the word transcendence. Being a happy phantom seems to Tori Amos like she would not feel the limits of being in a human body. She sings about how she can do anything she wants: “I’ll run naked through the streets without my mask on.” That line in particular paints the picture of a mask giving her the feeling of immanence. Wish I remembered this in class!

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Trans comfort music, volume 100

The reason I like the coed 7v7 soccer league that I play in is because I get to play the sport that I have always loved, it makes my body feel good to move and run and think all at the same time, I get to play with all kinds of people and bodies, and no one is really policing gender. No one is really policing gender until there are not enough girls that show up. The rule the league goes by is that there should be a max of 5 men on the field. Even though I am non binary and I “used to be a girl,” people read me as a boy when I show up to play. That is fine with me because no one is counting us off as men and women/boys and girls. I am safe under the radar and no one is picking apart my gender. But a few days ago we had 7 total people, and only one girl. My sister is usually the second girl, but she was out of town on a work trip. Her boyfriend, however, was set on all of us playing because he knows I am not a man and the rule only stated 5 men max can be on the field. He told me he was going to talk to the referee about it and that was cool with me. After he talked to the ref, he walked over to the other team and talked to them as well, presumably asking for their permission for me to play as a non-man and for their trust about there actually being a non binary person on our team. When he came back he told the team we could all play. Naturally, they asked how/why, since we have 6 guys and 1 girl, right? I was hoping he would say that maybe the other team was okay with just letting us all play just to have a fair game instead of playing a player down. Instead, he told them all that I was non binary. I just kinda stared off into space. Then I thought to myself… “I think maybe I was just outed?” Then the ref blew the whistle and we all ran onto the field. I was shaking and wondering if I was overreacting. I just felt very anxious and was hoping that my teammates weren’t still thinking about the conversation.

On the car ride home he apologized because I think he realized I was uncomfortable. I was glad he checked in and we got to talk about what he could have done differently.

Now to the point of this post. Once I dropped him off, I was sitting in my car and decided to put on 100 gecs. As soon as the song Dumbest Girl Alive started playing, followed by Money Machine, I immediately relaxed and felt so much better. The music got me back into my body. 100 gecs is not usually my go-to artist. The music is very electronic and experimental. It serves very specific purposes for me, the moment in the car being one of them. The group is made up of 2 people, and one is a trans woman. I like listening to her voice and the sounds of the songs. 100 gecs uses autotune and pitching on their voices, and a lot of electronic sounds. The techniques they use are often considered fake or unnatural in music, and the fact that this is the case makes it even better that they lean so hard into it. Their music embodies a lot of trans experiences. At that moment in the car, I was feeling really anxious and nervous and unintelligible to my sister’s boyfriend and my teammates, and playing the music immediately put me at ease. It was like I was in the room with Laura Les singing about how she “did science to [her] face.” Most 100 gecs songs are almost too much for me because of how experimental they are, but that honestly makes them even better. They are a big “fuck you” to what you would expect, just like being trans is.

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a late night contemplation of pitbull’s discography, nostalgia, and growing old

I Feel Good Sticker by Pitbull for iOS & Android | GIPHY

Content Warning: While this post is a mostly humorous description of how music can be a very nostalgic experience, I do talk about thoughts of mortality and fear of aging, so please take note if that affects you!

Now that I’m on the brink of 20, growing old has become such a terrifying feeling…Woah woah, before you click off this post, scoffing at how someone so young could possibly be feeling something as aging so profoundly, hear me out!!  Please?  

Luckily, my joints aren’t failing me yet, but every now and then I’m struck by a sinking feeling that my childhood is coming to an end, if it hasn’t already.  A year like 2012, which feels like yesterday in my mind, was actually ages ago.  Back then, ten-year old me was distressed over some cataclysmic end of the world prophesied by an ancient Mayan calendar and ingrained into my mind by the science-fiction movie 2012.  Nine years later, I’d argue that I am living during the beginning of the end of the world: routinely chipping away at Blackboard response posts and humanities readings while my country is crumbling, my community is dying, and the climate is rapidly atrophying.  And you’re telling me that once I graduate, I’m expected to live out the rest of my days spent working for the privilege to rest and retire?  My inner child yearns for more.   

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Kanye West: Mental Illness is Real
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Kanye West: Mental Illness is Real

We all know one of the current hot topic at the moment is Kanye West and his mental breakdown. It all started recently during Kanye’s concert for his tour, when he started ranting about different things like his support for Donald Trump, his anger towards Beyoncé’s performance at the VMA for her “formation” song which is based on the Black Panthers theme. He also mentioned Jay-Z and said “don’t send your people for me” referring to the whole illuminati thing, and also how people have been lied to by the media and the radio. A lot of videos have been circulating on twitter showing Kanye really strange and concerning behavior. And a lot of people have been reacting to this, and many people seem to be angry about this. Continue reading →

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The Rebellyon

Amanda Palmer (probably my favorite musician, artists, what have you) has a disagreement with the managers of Roadrunner Records, her then point of contact for making music. The short version of  a long story is that for her solo album entitled Who Killed Amanda Palmer? the manager of Roadrunner Records (who also has bands such as Kiss, Korn, Theory of a Deadman, and Nickleback) told her that the video for “Leeds United” would need to be altered because her stomach looked fat. He said according to Palmer, “i’m a guy, amanda. i understand what people like.” The longer version of these events was posted on her blog which is linked here. Amazingly enough, I do believe this is the body he said people would not like:

She proclaimed a return to love the belly, although in her own vanity she was frequently self-conscious of it. After posting a photograph of her belly, many of her fans felt inclined to follow in her actions. At one point there was a website devoted to those pictures (which I can’t happen to find now), but they have been collectively amassed and put on various sites. There have been discussions about how the body should be loved as it is. An interesting take of the Rebellyon is discussed here.

I am actually really saddened by the fact that this occurred because by one man’s standards, the body was judged as if by societal judgement. The amazing thing is that her fan base provided the grounds for substantial protest against the record company (which she was finally able to drop after harsh criticisms). Her body has been put on display by the mediums she works in and it is evident there is a place for politics in this space, but was it fair for the manager to assert the ideal body that her audience would like?