In our society, we are often taught and encouraged to see the mind and body as two different entities, separate from each other. In this mind and body split, the mind is usually the part of us that is more important. We are conditioned to choose things that relate to the mind over things that relate to the body. For example, we are supposed to come to school/work when we are not feeling well, because our minds are prioritized in those settings. With schoolwork, we are supposed to “grind,” and may ultimately be forced to pull all-nighters to complete an assignment, or study for a test. For our bodies, when it comes to “body projects,” we only involve and focus the body (and when the journey of these body projects gets rough or hard, we are supposed to put aside our complaints). Overall, it’s very apparent that in society we are taught that the mind and body are separate things, even though both are simultaneously a part of us, and supposed to work together.
But how far can the idea of this mind and body split be pushed onto us?
As I understand it, the concept of embodiment seeks to move away from the Cartesian mind-body dualism, which posits that our minds and our physical bodies are distinct entities, and towards the idea that we are our bodies. We experience, know, and perceive the world through our bodies, and in return we are experienced and perceived by others through the lens of our bodies. An important factor in our body experience and the way our bodies are perceived is gender. Do I have a gender, or am I my gender? Do I have a body, or am I my body?
I looked at myself as an ally for all my life but, looking back now, I put on the mask of a helper and fully convinced myself that I was making a difference by following the cause, but I never really acted for the better of it. In college I became an affiliate of the Center for Women in Technology, an organization at UMBC fighting for equality for all. CWIT opened my eyes to the issues that plague today’s society and how I could assist in the fight for equality. I am surprised that a course like my first-year experience for CWIT is not mandatory for everyone. I feel like a simple course like this being worked into all high school curriculum would make a world of difference in the visibility of today’s issues and gather more support for the cause. Coming out of high school, I knew these problems existed, but they were not in the front of my focus because I am a cis white male. I did not have to experience the pain that comes with most of them, however I did secondhand experience them through my mom and stepmother.
So all my life I’ve lived with this one question: “What are you?” Whether it came from people I didn’t even know, or it came from my friends, they all had the same question. And I understand to some degree. I am pretty ethnically ambiguous looking and sometimes I straighten my hair which further confuses people. It still doesn’t make it okay though.
In the TV and film industry, there are various ways in which women are not seen or treated as equals. It can be as simple and commonly known as the lacking amount of pay a woman receives for a role, and as deep as it starting with the character in the script. Stereotypes and gender roles are everywhere, and are engrained in our minds by the media we consume. Take a moment to think about the long term amount of male dominant sexual themes in TV and film. It is seen as okay for a man to explore his sexual urges and fantasies. It is also okay to show a man pleasing himself and reaching climax, sometimes even showing the messy aftermath. But women? Forget about it. Unless satire, I don’t know of any movies where they are portraying a woman sensually. It wasn’t until recent years that I’ve seen female roles that get to indulge in their sexual desires. A few examples; “50 Shades of Grey” (although it portrays male dominance), and Netflix’s “365 Days” (also male dominated, and based on manipulation and abuse that turns into “love”, yikes). I believe the reason for this mostly ties back to stereotypes. Religion is also a factor at times, but that is a whole different side of the story for another day. A man and a woman can have the same “body count” and one would be a “god” while the other “used up” and dirty. Men that are sexual can be praised for it, while if women are sexual they are “slutty”. Unless women are being dirty on a man’s terms, of course. Then, it’s a hot, kinky medium and she’s a freak! I hope for a day where I can see more media where stereotypes are shattered. I understand that they will likely never be fully rid of, but I am looking forward to see the growth in each generation to come.
What does it mean to act like a woman? Back in the day to meant to be a housewife, a mother, and never to speak up. While many people still believe these things, I think they are stupid and should never be brought up. It is very offensive to be called a girly girl with no definition. Just because I wear makeup or where women’s clothing does not mean I am a girly girl and can not do the same thing as women. I am a big fan of Harry’s style, not for his music but for his faction choices and how he has broken the rules of clothing differences between women and men. It is just not fair for someone to say that women should be here to be pretty. The other day I went to a conference with my dad, and it was a petroleum c store convention, a male-dominated industry. And I saw women dressed in tight revealing clothing passing out business cards.
Also, no vendor was willing to talk to me about a business venture or selling their product in my dad’s stores. I would have to make the first move and break the ice, but everyone would want to talk to my brother. This was just shocking to see how women are perceived as just the pretty thing to the side. As a woman who wanted her company, this was very offensive to see how my gender was perceived by an industry run by many old white and Indian males. Women run a gas station or a hotel just as efficiently as men. I think women can run a business just as well as males; I believe there is no difference in intellectual properties. There is no objective evidence that males are better than women! Women and males act the same. They have the same resources to be successful.
I am disabled. It took me a long time to call myself by that name. I used to think disability was a term restricted to people whose disabilities were obvious — you could see it in their gait, or how they fidgeted in their chairs, or the way people would talk around them instead of with them. My disabilities manifested in less noticeable ways: poor time management, perfectionism, relentless talkativeness, trouble sleeping, etc. I always considered these manifestations “personality defects” and personal failures rather than symptoms.
I think for a while I was afraid of co-opting the term from a group that seemed more minoritized than myself. I didn’t see myself as having real struggles (thanks, internalized ableism and impostor syndrome!), at least, not like those that other disabled people grappled with. Even when friends would describe their experiences of disabilities we shared, I would sympathize with their stories, rage at the injustices they faced — but I couldn’t give myself the same grace.
It wasn’t until I experienced a visible disability that I realized how disabled I’ve been. The last time I had COVID, I noticed something was off. Ten days, six weeks, then three months later, I wasn’t better. The cough and congestion were gone, but I still felt slow, like everything around me was playing at 2x speed, and it took all my energy to keep up. My brain was so laggy I struggled to compose coherent sentences; catching up with a friend over dinner left me lethargic and almost dizzy for days. People asked if I was alright, worried why they hadn’t talked with me in weeks or seemed so dazed at work.
I couldn’t deny it anymore, I was disabled. When everyone noticed it, I believed it. But, really, it wasn’t all that different from how I experienced disabilities before, except that, this time, there was an easy before and after comparison. Everyone knew pre-COVID me and post-COVID me. There was never a version of myself before ADHD or Anxiety; they’ve been with me since birth. There’s no telling where the diagnoses end and I begin.
Long COVID made my other disabilities entirely unmanageable. I didn’t realize how tumultuous my balance was until COVID gave me a shove and sent me tumbling off a cliff. It was a wake-up call: just because I was compensating for my disabilities well enough before COVID didn’t mean they weren’t there. Just because other people couldn’t see them didn’t mean they weren’t real. Long COVID forced me to accept that I needed support. I couldn’t keep trudging through life, exhausted from playing on an uneven field and unwilling to accept the help offered to me. My disabilities were — are — real, and I deserve a level playing field.
A quick sketch of how I feel internally when dealing with disabilities.
Thump, thump, thump. What a beautiful sound. The sound of a little girl tucked safe and sound within my womb. The sound of love that has come out of tragedy. Just hearing that sound of potential life was enough to bring a smile to my face. But that smile only lasted for so long… I heard my OBGYN give a small gasp. That gasp changed my entire life, turning my tears of joy into tears of pain and loss. At that moment, I had to make a choice, a choice between my life, and hers. My soul once again was ripped out of my body, just like the night of her conception.
That night my entire life turned upside down. My words ripped from my mouth, my body taken away from me. He walked away scotch free, but I didn’t. I was left with a consequence. A big decision that I had to make, just like my mother before me, and thousands of women before her. The decision of raising this baby. The constant back and forth through my brain, do I keep her, is it safe, will I be ok, is this too much?
She was my little secret. I walked around for weeks with this little secret. Weeks of morning sickness, hormones, and cravings. But it wasn’t all bad, the thought of bringing this new life into this world gave me hope. imagining how I could protect her so the generational trauma of sexual assault won’t touch her beautiful body. But unfortunately, I had to make the awful decision of having an abortion. There is this horrible rumor that has spread around America, the rumor that women go around and have abortions for fun, and that they were murdering a fully grown baby. This rumor is dangerous and it kills pregnant people.
The downfall of female health issues, especially when it comes to birth all started when men took over from midwives. In the mid-19th century, bringing science into birth created a hierarchy, where the person at birth wasn’t in charge. Before that, women had complete control, and their midwives guided them through the miracle of birth. This overpowering caused women to be controlled. Birth control, abortions, and medical rights are all controlled by men who have never even had a period. The right to an abortion in America was granted in the 1960s, but with the recent overturn of Roe v. Wade, women don’t have that choice anymore. Their choice was ripped away from their hands. They have to choose between a back alley and raising their rapist’s baby, a coat hanger, and death.
Artistic description of what it is like living with BPD
What does it mean to have borderline personality disorder? Does it mean you are a manipulative monster, or one can never have a healthy relationship? Oh, it’s the same thing as bipolar, isn’t it? Or is it something that just doesn’t exist? It’s not any of those. It is a complex mental disorder that has had such a huge negative stigma in our society. A more in-depth overview of the stereotypes and stigmas can be found here. For me, living with BPD is a complex thing. It’s knowing that someone who raised me, inflicted so much pain and abuse that I’m like this. It’s the feeling of having to learn who you are because you never got the chance before. It is going to therapy three times a week, just to survive. BPD is actually when someone does not have control of one’s emotions, so they feel all of their emotions extremely intensely. When I am happy, I am ecstatic, when I am sad, I am depressed. The constant up and down is exhausting, having to shield your emotions just to look “normal” in our society. As one cannot just talk about it, the stigmas are too powerful.
Our society, for centuries, has used mental illness, and the stigma behind that to control people, and oppress them. For example, in the 19th century, the term drapetomania was invented, to “diagnose” slaves who tried to escape. If you wish to learn more about this atrocious act, click here. Creating a stigma of madness for these African Americans, trapping them in their physical and mental cells. Being labeled as “mad” throughout the centuries, disabled people from growing into their true potential. Now you may be wondering what this has to do with BPD. Well, it has everything to do with it. Living with a borderline takes a lot of hard work. The treatment for it is incredibly intense and very emotionally draining. When one lives with this, and then has the pressure of the world’s stigma, it really inhibits growth and healing. Being labeled as mad or manipulative, causes one to draw back from society, limiting healing.
I don’t like myself much. I can’t remember the last time I did. I avoid looking at myself in mirrors. I dress in big baggy clothes to hide my figure. I even keep to myself most of the time out of fear of doing/saying the wrong thing. So, how did this happen?
Unruly Bodies 