As a child, my parents put me in so many athletic activities I can’t even count them on my fingers. I really enjoyed them. I would play soccer, tennis, swim, dance, gymnastics, ballet, and rock climbing all throughout my elementary and middle school years.
Physically, I felt so good. I was in really good shape and eating healthy. It wasn’t until the age of 12 that I started noticing changes in my body, looking at my own stomach in the mirror and wondering why my body was changing. I was still pretty active until COVID hit and school was online. During this period I gained over 50 pounds and often felt insecure because I was no longer active like I used to be.
In 2021 when we went to school physically, even though my friends wouldn’t make direct comments at my weight, they would make comments like “you look so different” and so on. I felt severely insecure about my body and how I looked and felt really ashamed of myself.
While reading “Pretty Ugly, The Politics of Desire”, there was one quote: “We all run from the ugly. And the farther we run from it the more power we give beauty”. This stuck out to me because starting my senior year, I lost about half the weight I gained during COVID. I also began to wear makeup and wear better clothes to try to make myself look prettier. It did work, because people spoke to me more, treated me better, and I was getting less backhanded compliments. Inside I still felt horrible, because why couldn’t I have been treated like that when I wasn’t as “pretty”? I just feel like society places too much value on appearance.
One of the first instances I remember being concerned about my weight was sixth grade, after the dreaded FitnessGram assessment in gym class. The FitnessGram consists of a series of different physical tests, ranging from the PACER, push-ups, sit-ups, and measuring body mass index (BMI). This was the first time I became aware of the weights of other girls my age, and naturally my adolescent brain had to compare mine to theirs. When I got home from school, I distinctly remember Googling “is it ok for a 12 year old girl to weigh 112 pounds?”
My relationship with my weight only got worse with age. My family would sometimes make comments about it, which of course made me upset; I would cry to my friends about it and they would insist I had nothing to worry about, that I was pretty, that I wasn’t fat (as if you can’t be both-but that’s another conversation). I didn’t know who to believe. I felt especially ostracized because I come from an extremely health-conscious family- my dad is a physical education teacher, my mom is a nurse, and my sister is personal trainer. Being surrounded by such fit people all the time definitely made me feel worse, and they didn’t hide their feelings about my weight, eating habits, physical activity, etc. I wanted nothing more than to shed a few pounds and be as skinny as my friends. My weight fluctuated some over the years, as I was using the LoseIt and My Fitness Pal apps on and off while being trapped in the binge-restrict cycle.
Despite all of this, I have never been medically classified as overweight. My BMI has always been in the normal range. But I was convinced I needed to lose weight, because my friends were still skinnier than me, women on TV and social media looked better than me, and my family still made comments. This past year, I lost 25 pounds and finally reached my “goal weight”. Honestly, my biggest motivation was to finally make my family shut up. Now, the comments have switched from “you look like you put on some weight” and “are you sure you should be eating that?” to “you’ve slimmed down” and “what are your weight-loss tips?” And yet, I still feel the same about my body. I still look in the mirror and see fat that needs to go.
My weight loss has made me realize that I may never be satisfied with how I look if I continue to view myself so negatively. I am slowly getting to a place of self-acceptance, and I am in a much better mental state than I have been in years. I have very supportive friends, a loving boyfriend, and a great therapist. I am actively trying to unlearn years of my family’s toxic dynamic with weight, but so much of it was directed towards me in my formative years that it has had a huge impact on my self-esteem and confidence. My grandmother has made similar comments to me that my mom has, so I can only assume that my mom was raised in a similar way, and that many of the things she had to say to me were just projections of how she felt about herself. In both my family and society, women are viewed more favorably the smaller they are. But this is a socially constructed, patriarchal standard of beauty that has taken up too much of my life. I know now that my weight has not, does not, and will never define me, no matter what anyone says. I know that I deserve to treat my body with kindness and love. I know that am more than my physical appearance. This intergenerational trend of body shaming ends with me.
When I was obese, I thought that losing weight would solve many of my problems. I would be able to fit into straight-size clothing, my body would draw no notice due to its size, and I would feel better naked — messages all around me said these things would happen, and I believed it. However, I have found that weightloss is bad at delivering on such promises. Continue reading →
Last March I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, otherwise known as PCOS. When I heard this, I felt like not only were things starting to make more sense, but like I didn’t have to blame myself for my weight gain.
Requirements for dancers have changed over time in order for a team to give a top quality performance. Many factors are taken into consideration when put on line-up for a competition. Continue reading →
I saw this video by Special K and I absolutely loved it. It caught my eye because it questions what we use to measure our self worth. In the video, various women go into a denim store looking for jeans. The video opens to a voiceover of women explaining their disdain for shopping for jeans. As it continues the women notice that none of the jeans have a size on it, which then allows the associates to ask to measure the women. In the measurements, the associates don’t mention size 6 or size 12, but radiant, strong, charismatic, stunning or fabulous. The idea is to show that we are not defined by our weight but by our own personalities and personal idea of worth. I especially enjoyed this commercial because it strayed away from the idea that you’ll feel better or be a better person if you lose weight with a product. The commercial emphasizes that you can be great in any body. It was an interesting take on weight and advertising and to me, it gave me the feeling of acceptance and non-judgment which is what all people should feel about themselves regardless of weight. One woman even states “Not seeing the number is so freeing” and I completely agree with this statement. This is not to say that everyone should wear the same size, but that everyone deserves the same level of quality and comfort regardless of a person’s size or weight. It shouldn’t be a difficult process for certain people because they are bigger than others.
Recently, I have started going to yoga classes at the RAC twice a week with my roommate and one of my suite mates. After going to a few sessions, I realized how much yoga makes me aware of my body in different ways.
First class: I walk into the room where the class is held, and I see a slew of medium-height, slender girls (and a few guys) with perfectly toned bodies who gracefully rolled out their yoga mats and sat down and stretched their perfectly formed muscles. Continue reading →
Unruly Bodies 