Docile bodies are individuals who have been trained to be obedient an useful to common society. For most people, the act of attending school and reciting the pledge of allegiance puts us in this category; most of my life before college was consistent to a comfy routine of school, hanging out with friends, and enjoying the company of family. This is my second year of college, my freshman year was good! I was adjusting to college life pretty well, but I started noticing things, it had been a while since I had contact with any of my friends from before I left, I relied less and less on my family. I had been trained into the routine of seeing these people everyday for my first 18 years of life, and now I was forced out of that routine of what had became normality for me. It was weird and honestly uncomfortable for me. I know they say that its apart of growing up, but what if it doesn’t have to be? At least, I thought that way; for most of my life I felt like people would come into my life, and then some I had known for years just disappear. It didn’t feel like I had control over who I wanted to have in it; I think over the summer I had came to the realization that life is just like a revolving door, in order for some to enter a few have to leave… I think eventually most if not all of my closest friends from high school will all leave that revolving door, before I might’ve tried to stop it from revolving, but now I might be ready to let go of that. I mean I’ve met some really amazing people already in this new chapter of my life, and I can’t wait to meet more; I feel like most can relate to this, you have this routine for most of your early life and to see the people you remember fade away as you get older is a tough. Eventually we get out of the routine docile bodies puts us in, I mean I haven’t said the pledge of allegiance since high school!
school
Deaf Fest
As I was watching Crip Camp (2020) for this class, I was reminded of one of my favorite childhood memories. My mom was a special educator for the Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing for around 25 years. She used to teach in the city schools of Brooklyn, and began working in Baltimore City when my family moved from New York to Maryland. My mom was like a second mother to her students. She would often bring hot food to her students around the holidays, crowd-source school supplies, teach her students Latin-dancing, and even would have some of her students over to her house when they were having a rough time at home. I treasured the days that I was able to come visit the classroom and her students. It always made me smile to see how my mom so deeply cared about her kids.
One of the things my mom and the other teachers did for the Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing students every year was Deaf Fest. One sunny day at the beach every year, complete with matching t-shirts designed by my mom, grilled hotdogs, hamburgers, pavilion snacks, arts & crafts, and games. The bus ride to the beach was loud and cheerful, and every student was so excited for the festivities to come. The students gave me my sign name during Deaf Fest one year- the letter “S” combined with the sign for “dance”, because I was always dancing around the classroom when I came to visit them. On the bus and in the pavilion, my mom’s students would help me learn sign language by signing to me. Even though I was very young during these years, I could feel the powerful sense of community Deaf Fest brought.
Although Deaf Fest only happened one day at the end of the school year, I was reminded of the happy memories it brought as I was watching Crip Camp. Nostalgic images of Deaf Fest floated through my mind while I witnessed the ways in which Camp Jened members were seen and supported during camp. I also saw resemblance in my memories of the days spent in my mom’s classroom, how the school system rendered these kids invisible to the hearing world. In my college years, I find myself eternally grateful for being able to experience the joy that Deaf Fest brought to my mom’s students, and I hope that I have the privilege of experiencing that level of community again.
Emotional Labor Piles Up
This semester, I really wanted to start off with a positive mindset and renewed energy. I felt like the previous year that I was at UMBC, I had a pretty decent year overall. However, I never realized I had so many things that were piling up emotionally that it started affecting me significantly.
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2 jobs, 1 degree.
I honestly am exhausted. I work 6 days a week and 3 of those days I work two jobs, the other 3 I only work 1 but its only because I go to classes on those days. No one really talks about the sacrifices that need to be made if you don’t have your tuition covered or your parents can’t help you with it. Honestly I feel like half the time my body and brain want to give up on me. I never truly get a break and im constantly in front of a computer so my eyes hurt or my head hurts. Brain fog is real, especially because I’m always on the go. Sometimes I even have to sacrifice sleep because there’s just not enough time in the day. At night is when I have to focus on homework so when exactly does my body and mind have time to rest? I think im experiencing burnout. Today I actually read a tweet that said, “there’s no real way to rest away burnout, something in your daily life or schedule has to change.” and I think they’re right because no matter how much sleep I could possibly get, im still exhausted mentally. I think about what exactly I could do to change my day to day so that I feel less tired but I need both jobs to pay off the rest of my tuition that loans and scholarships didn’t cover, as well as having to pay for whatever other bills or expenses I have.
I don’t know, its just what I have to do right? That’s just life right? I don’t even want to sound like im complaining because I know there’s people out their that have less or don’t even have the opportunity to go to school, let alone two jobs. I’m grateful, I really am but im just tired. But my parents raised me to be strong, resilient, and to never give up. They came from a whole different country with nothing and were able to make a beautiful life for us. I never lacked any real necessities growing up, had a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my body. So I’m doing this so one day I can create a beautiful life for myself and bring them along with me. So they don’t have to work anymore, because if im tired then I know they’re exhausted. I guess what im saying is, I’m praying that this is all worth it in the end.
on reclaiming your own agency
“Being perfect is boring, failing is fun.” I’ve been reflecting on that phrase my roommate shared with me a few nights ago. I had opened up quite a bit about my struggles with managing academic responsibilities with the expectations of my parents, in addition to whatever standards I have set for myself. Unfortunately, “perfection,” or something close to it, is the end goal I’ve been conditioned to pursue throughout my academic career. This has been farther compounded by the fact that I earned the title of the smart kid out of my four siblings (I even got the nickname “professor” for at least a year and a half). Pair this with constantly having others comment on the excellence of your family and siblings, and now I’m not just chasing after perfection for my own sake, but to uphold my family name.
Continue readingYou Did It , I’m Proud of You
First semester back in person, after 2 years of online teaching with quarantines , lockdowns , riots , protests , tragedies happening all around us. How was it? Did you achieve everything you set out to? Did you crush it this semester? Did the semester crush you? What ever it may be I want you to know that whatever outcome , whatever you faced , however you felt , the happiness , the sadness , the fear , the resentment , helplessness . You are alive , the most precious thing there is. Live in the present , accept the past , build the future.
If you did well this semester , congratulations I know it wasn’t easy. It must be acknowledged with no faults. I hope you enjoy and bask in the moment whilst preparing yourself for the next. Not becoming too comfortable where you become stagnant , I hope you are constantly trying to best yourself. I love that you did well this semester. But I pray you don’t become conceited , and you understand when to and when not to flaunt your success, and that you don’t put down others who didn’t do so well. However , I want you to feel that success and bask in the moment. Making it that high you always chase , constantly growing.
If you didn’t do well this semester , don’t beat yourself up. Trust me its understandable to lose sight of focus due to unforeseen circumstances and unnecessary scenarios in your everyday life that pile up and pile up until you shut down, mentally. Nobody knows the trials and tribulations you faced this semester some professors may know the tip of the iceberg , yet there’s more than meets the eye beneath the surface. I hope and pray any mental battles you faced this year , you’ve healed from or on track to a better place. I truly understand , most people don’t understand the importance of mental health and the changes in which it can cause to your body, I’ll confidently say I do. You showing out for yourself day in and day out whether its with a mask , façade is beautiful. Use this as a motivator , I’ve been always told you have to hit your lows to reach your highs. Lets reach our highs…. hehe… if you know what I mean…. I’m just kidding truthfully though, lets make a promise to each other that we will continue , that we will be better , and that whatever occurred this semester does not define me or my outcomes. Promise me , Promise yourself , Promise your future self. You got this! Don’t dwell on it!
I hope everyone has a lovely Holiday Season! May never get to read into your minds ever again however I wish success onto everyone and even future students in this class. I pray that you are always surrounded with abundance , love , prosperity , protection , and care. Truly. Bye! ❤
untitled thoughts
Lately, I’ve been realizing just how challenging it is to recognize my own harmful habits and ways of thinking, interrupt them, and embark on a healing process. Although something like this has happened several times in the past, it only took a few deadlines and assignments to launch me into a spiral of over-analysis, self-criticism, anxiety, avoidance, and distraction. All the while, I felt powerless to stop this process, and I really hate that!
You see, what I had been struggling with up to that point was a couple papers, a presentation, replying to emails, doing weekly readings and assignments; all pretty mundane tasks, but ones that can feel like mountains with impossible summits some weeks. Even so, as I start to slip and fall behind, one part of my brain reassures myself that I’ll catch up on everything “over the weekend,” no problem, without the need to ask for help or communicate in any way. Another part is already recognizing the warning signs, pointing out my flaws, and criticizing myself on where I need to do better. The most destructive side deals with all this noise by shutting down completely. Sleeping in until 3pm, skipping meals and classes, being anxious to leave my room, neglecting self-care, and raking up my screen-time on Genshin to do nothing but avoid, avoid, avoid, avoid has indicated there is a bit more than academic stress below the surface.
Continue readingWhen Failure is Radical.
Affirmations from an unreliable drop out –
I have failed to work with a system that prioritizes productivity over personhood.
I have chosen moving forward over suffering
I will accept myself to spite a value system that does not want acceptance – but always striving for “better”. If I internalize it, that I am always striving for “better”, then I build a comfortable place for the belief that I will never be enough, to rest upon. Instead, I will build space within myself to be less than ideal.
Continue readingNow What?
As I prepare to graduate, I realise I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around ideas of being a graduate. Continue reading
Expectations VS Reality
Parents and guardians are lovely people because they provide for us and take care of us while we grow up. I grew up with both my mom and dad, who had the highest expectations for both me and my brother. I always heard the words “doctor”, “lawyer”, “engineer”, etc. Even from a young age, I knew that it was not something that I wanted to do because all those careers are very closed-minded compared to my personality. I would not be able to be in a career where I am not free to have fun and be myself. I am not saying that the careers my dad wanted me to have are boring, but they are very serious jobs that limit my personality.
Unruly Bodies 