trauma

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Media Backlash: When It’s Taken Too Far

Have you ever seen a content creator who is trying to find an outlet? Next, you may go into the comments to write something nice and supportive, seeing others doing the same. Your heart warms as you read these messages to scroll further and see a hateful comment. You see replies that are validating them. It makes you realize there really are people who take their time to put down people instead of clicking not interested in moving on with their day. You even go ahead and click on their page to see that there is nothing posted. Someone is hiding behind a screen, doing nothing productive.

I’ve always thought being a content creator takes a lot of courage, no matter if you’re page is about sports, politics, gender identity, mental health, etc. People are making content to connect, relate. All the people I personally know who make content do it to show others that there are other people like them. Whenever you see someone who posts something that you relate to, you like it, and it kind of brings a sense of community. You see all these people on the internet who also relate to what you may be going through, what you believe in, and it can heal some insecurities of maybe being a “freak” or “too different.”

In “Nonbinary: Memoirs of Gender of Identity,” one specific chapter from Jeffery Marsh titled “Life Threats” really made me think about this concept; the courage to be seen on as big a platform as social media is. You are putting yourself out there, making yourself visible to all types of people, knowing that you have a chance of facing backlash that can just blow up in your face. Those same people who may write those hateful comments might have enough passion to even put you in danger. A specific example that comes to my mind is when streamers get “swatted.” They take this extreme step to prank them even though it is not a prank and is a traumatic experience. Especially because the people who are calling the police on them don’t really know what they’ve experienced and what toll it could take. These streamers are spending quality time entertaining people just to be put in danger.

Stillness and Solace
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Stillness and Solace

Victor Frankenstein’s monster stands before the fellow traveller, towering above them.

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“I am an unfortunate and deserted creature, I look around and I have no relation or friend upon earth. These amiable people to whom I go have never seen me and know little of me. I am full of fears, for if I fail there, I am an outcast in the world for ever” (Shelley).  The monster does not look at his new acquaintance when he speaks; his eyes remain on the looming glaciers around them, glowing in the moonlight. His words, which linger heavily in the chilled air like their warm breath, are met with silence. The traveller peers at the figure next to them: “flesh torn apart and sewn together again in a shape other than that in which (he) was born” (Stryker). Each carefully selected piece of skin and bone fits together to form a uniquely beautiful, abstract puzzle. They had only just met, and yet, each stitch woven into the bodies of the traveller and the creature was spooled from the same thread- a rope of pain caused from society’s purposeful ostracism.

Finally, the traveller interrupts the comfortable, contemplative stillness. 

“Like (you), I am too often perceived as less than fully human due to the means of my embodiment; …my exclusion from human community fuels a deep and abiding rage that I, like (you), direct against the conditions in which I must struggle to exist” (Stryker). 

The monster did not have the chance to respond, and the traveller would never hear his response, both robbed of the conversation and solace.

Victor Frankenstein shot his creation- once in the head and once in the heart- leaving the traveller alone again.

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Put a Finger Down…

Put a finger down if you got out of a five year toxic relationship that ruined your self confidence and body image so you spend a whole year rebuilding yourself and loving who you are just to find out your role model “loving” parents who were married for 30 years are getting a divorce because you learn that your father is actually verbally and physically abusive towards your mother and has assaulted your brother on multiple occasions. So you become the rock in your family and keep everyone grounded while the worst case scenario is going on around you. During this time period your mentally ill father tries to take the house from everyone threatening that everyone will be homeless so you and your brother brainstorm ideas on what you can do to keep the house, and come up with this brilliant idea that if you both buy the home together and buy out your father you will have somewhere to live with the small cost of being in debt for a long time. 

Additionally you are working a full time job and balancing a full time college student schedule during your parents divorce mess because your college loans never cover a full semester so it is your responsibility to come up with the remaining balance which is typically thousands of dollars and you don’t qualify for any kind of financial grants since you “make too much.” (aka 35k a year) So then you add on a paid internship which counts as a second job but this second job is located in DC so it is a farther commute then your commute to school which means you have to pay more in gas and tolls but bite the bullet because it is what you want to do for your future job so you try your hardest to not complain and to just be grateful for the opportunity. 

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What Were You Wearing

“I was seven,
Wearing play clothes,
When he decided,
I was his experiment
I was seven,
Playing in my home,
When he decided to
Claim my innocence”

“I was eight,
Wearing a black shirt,
And pj pants with pink stars
When it all started
I was eight,
In the trusting lap
Of my uncle,
Too young to question,
Too young to debate”

“I was three,
Or possibly five,
When it became,
A monthly encounter,
I think I was three,
Sometimes in a sundress,
Others in pajamas,
When he decided
He had the right to me”

This poem was inspired by an exhibit called What Were You Wearing. The title of the exhibit is a question commonly asked to victims of rape/sexual assault, implying that what happened to them was somehow their own fault. The exhibit proves that clothing is irrelevant when it comes to sexual assault, and that we should stop victim-blaming by asking this question. 

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A monstrous matryoshka

As I had read Susan Stryker’s article on trans rage and the comparison of Victor Frankenstein’s unfortunate monster, I found myself following each word closely. I had so rarely seen anyone talk so openly about the pains and sorrows that are hidden about transgender identity. The discussion in class presented an extremely important point on who is allowed to show and vocalize strong negative emotions like rage and pain. As a person of color, as a queer and transgender individual, my permission of showing these emotions has been quite small, but looking further inward I know that there are other reasons I am not one to show these emotions. For my last post I call upon Stryker’s voice of these negative emotions and a monstrous identity, but not for my transgender identity, but one I am coming to terms with existing within me. I open up the physical patchwork body of mine to see inwards, within the darkness I see a cage chained to the ground. Moving closer I can hear the rattling of anger, I peer inside the cage to see a gnarled and patched up figure, teeth unnaturally pointed and sharp objects partially embedded in its body. I instinctively know these objects were brandished weapons with the purpose of subduing and killing this figure, but they have failed. This figure was human once and I can’t help the sadness I feel seeing what has become of them.

“What happened to you?” I ask cautiously.

The pause feels deafening.

“I’d think you’d recognize us, not many come back from the war of trauma unscathed.”

It’s said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but no one should be forced to be this strong to the point of being caged in fear.

As an echo to the original article, my comparison of monstrous identity in regards to trauma is not one to be used against all who have trauma. This is my sole reclamation of my past and should never be used against individuals who do not wish to do the same. This post will include raw calls to mental health happenings in response to traumatic experiences. Though there will be no details of happenings, there are insinuations of abuse on varying levels.

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“You give really good, solid relationship advice.” “Thanks! It’s cause I’ve ruined all my relationships.”: Perhaps better off alone

A photo of the Andromeda Galaxy. A black background with many little, white dots of stars. The center is a large, oval warped into somewhat of a spiral of gray with a large glowing center.

Most people see being told they give good relationship advice and are very considerate to the other people in the relationship as a good thing, but I can’t help that it feels like the bane of my existence currently. It’s like I’m helping people study for relationships and communication 101 and they proudly show me their A with the attached “thanks to your help!” while I shuffle on with my F and backlog of assignments.

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“I’m okay”, “I’m tired”, “No worries!” and other lies I tell: An ode to my failing mental health

Image description: A vast, open ocean with mild waves, it's night and the sky is full of clouds, partially obscuring the full moon. (end ID).

2020 was a train wreck, a dumpster fire, the roller coaster we weren’t allowed to get off, and it doesn’t take much looking to realize everyone is fed up and burnout from the pandemic, over a year of condensed trauma (whether you or someone you knew got sick or not), incompetent people in power, social justice at the forefront of everywhere, up rooted and cancelled life plans, the world is a dart board with every inch covered in things that will decimate your ability to keep going. But 2021 seems to show that 2020 was just a prelude to what our everyday life will be like from here on out.

Content warning!! Candid mental health talk, sucide and suicidal ideation, and open talk about trauma responses (NO details will be given about the traumatic events).

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They Say I Have Her Eyes, Did I Also Inherit His Pain

CW: This post deals with trauma and the resulting mental repercussions and includes mentions of sexual assault and the holocaust.

 

Ever since I was a baby, people have compared me to my parents. When I was younger, my parents would often be told I resembled my father. As I grew older, the comments changed. I was now told I look almost exactly like my mother. I got my mother’s acute sense of smell and taste. It’s easy to point out the observable traits I inherited from my mother, but I may have gotten even more than that. According to recent scientific studies, my mental health may have been affected by my mother’s trauma. Continue reading →

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Stop Faking Your Fake Disease

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Disassociation and depersonalization are one of the most controversial topics in the field of psychology. Let’s start with the basics and define some terms. Depersonalization is when your mind becomes disconnected from your body in such a fashion so that you feel as if you are watching yourself

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Now I’m an Amputee G*d D*mn You

Our class discussion from the other day has me thinking. How do we talk about the US’s responsibility in producing disabilities through wars abroad (both in our own veterans and in residents of the countries that serve as the battlegrounds) without implying that disabled people are undesirable or useless?

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