Working at a restaurant gives me the chance to people watch. It’s almost as if people forget they are out in public and say things in conversation, with each other or even myself, that often catch me off guard.
It was a slow Monday night and I was taking care of my last table: a father, his teenage son and his daughter (who must have been about 11 years old.) After they had finished their meal I offered the family dessert, assuming they were going to say no. After all they shared an appetizer and each had their own meal.
“Noooooo way I am full.” The father groaned and rubbed his stomach.
“No thanks.” The son grumbled.
I looked to the young girl and she smiled. I got excited because dessert is my favorite part of eating out. As I started listing the desserts we had her father cuts me off-
“What? You have room for dessert? No way you little piggy haven’t you had enough? You’re getting kind of fat there.”
Her brother laughed. She looked down at her hands and fidgeted with her shirt.
Let me stop here for a second.
This little girl was one of the cutest little girls I have ever met. She was so sweet and had such a beautiful smile. Furthermore she in no way was over weight.
The two most important men in her life called her fat and laughed at her. This is what this beautiful young girl has been introduced to. For whatever reason her father thought that this was ok to do. The tone in which he spoke let me know he wasn’t being malicious. He thought he was being funny.
I remember growing up and telling “Yo mama” jokes back and forth with friends. You remember; we all did it. I had always wondered why there was never a “Yo daddy” joke. This is why: Men are never criticized for their eating habits.
This father criticized his daughters eating habits-in public and to a stranger (me). When she grows up with low self-esteem she will probably criticize herself in front of her own daughter. Her daughter hearing her mom criticize herself can only wonder ‘If mom doesn’t think she’s beautiful, how can I be beautiful? I look like her.’ See how this has the potential of spiraling out of control?
In one sentence he managed to hurt her feelings and set the example to his son that saying something so insensitive is okay. Well I’m here to tell you that it’s not.
I pulled out the empty chair and sat next to the little girl.
With my hand on her back and my eyes on her father I said, “Do you know why your daddy called you fat? You’re Daddy is jealous because he’s so old his metabolism has slowed down to a point where he can’t enjoy dessert. He is probably going to regret this meal later on tonight. You. Are. Not. Fat. Let’s eat some damn ice cream.”
After a long pause he finally grumbled, “I guess you’re right. I’m a fat old man.”
She looked up at her dad with a smile that would’ve melted your heart.
I brought her the biggest brownie sundae I could make and the three of them ate in silence.
Unruly Bodies 
Reblogged this on petitesfemmes.
I really found this interesting. As little girls grow up, they have to watch their weight, otherwise, they will be fat and unattractive, while men don’t have to care about how much weight they gain. This man is encouraging this behavior, not only in his daughter but his son as well. I know he was only joking with his children, but whether it’s poking fun at or not, his daughters’ feelings were hurt, sometimes we need to be more careful of the things we say to someone, not just kids. Words such as these can harm adults as well as children.
Ugh god… That’s awful…. I’ve had to deal with an eating disorder since I was really little and I hope that beautiful little girl doesn’t develop one after hearing comments like that by her own family, but, how could she not. I’m sorry you had to witness that and I feel for that girl. I’ve been called fat and ugly and been laughed at by my older brother too.
Thanks for posting this.
I’m so glad someone blogged about this. I have definitely had this experience with my own father and it also occurred in front of a stranger. My parents had company over (that I had never met before) and while we were at the dinner table that evening, my father found it to be an appropriate time to tell me that I had put on a few pounds recently. Personally, I definitely did not think I had gained enough weight for it to be that noticeable. I also thought it was super inappropriate to call me out in front of someone I had just met that day for the first time. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with his statement and was actually shocked and confused when I refused to speak to him for a week. My little brother was one of the fattest babies i’ve ever seen but my father never thought to slow down on what they fed him because boys just “naturally” have larger appetites than girls. I’m 5’10 so even when I do gain weight its barely noticeable yet for some reason it seems necessary to point it out. I can see why so many young girls develop eating disorders when their family are the main perpetrators of the beautiful and thin ideologies.
This reminds me of the scene in Little Miss Sunshine when the little girl orders a waffle for breakfast and wants ice cream with it. Her dad does the same kind of fat shaming and her brother and uncle come to her defense, finally shaming her dad into realizing how messed up he was being.
Parents have SO MUCH power over how their kids look at themselves. We are already bombarded every day in our homes and out of them by media telling women we aren’t good enough, we don’t need our families doing it too.
I agree wholeheartedly with you on this, and I’m glad you went about proving him wrong in the way that you did. However, I don’t think she’d grow up and bash herself in front of her child. I feel like there’s almost a maternal instinct to hide certain things from your child… specifically things that will make them think badly about themselves because of something you did. Nowadays, I hear loads when my mother’s freaking out about her outfit and how it makes her look, whatever… but when I was little, I never heard things like that. Whenever I walked into a room when my mother was dressing (I didn’t really adhere to “boundaries”…), she would instantly stop worrying about how something looked on her. Of course, she’d ask me what I thought but I was little so “You look like mommy” seemed like an appropriate response, but it was never a serious question.
I liked how you handled the situation though. Probably made her day.
My father started saying things like that to me around that age. I wasn’t fat, either. I’m not 49 years old and have had self-image issues all of my life. I don’t think it takes a shrink to figure that out. Also, even now, I don’t eat what I want in front of him because he STILL makes comments. Now my sons are his targets as well.
We have all been in that little girls shoes, a similar situation like that happened with me but the waitress wasn’t kind enough to sit down with me and make me feel better about myself. I am so happy that you didn’t remain silent and did something about the situation at hand. Way to go for you. As for the father I hope he is able to think before he speaks about his daughter being “fat”.
I was going to say the same thing as Kelly; this reminds me of the diner scene in Little Miss Sunshine as well. Towards the end of the movie, when the little girl asks Miss California if she eats ice cream and she says yes, the smile on her face is priceless.
If I was faced with that situation, I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I already harbor a lot of anxiety about speaking up in problematic situations, but calling out a paying customer might be too much for me.
When I used to work the cash register at Chipotle and women (never men) would decline chips and/or a soda because they thought they were too many calories and they were watching their weight, I would give them an awkward half-smile. At most, I would say that having chips or a soda every once in a while was okay, but they would always brush me off. It was so strange to notice that these customers always took some pride in denying themselves these pleasures because they thought their “amazing” self-control was admirable. I wish that I could have given them a mini-speech about self-love and being okay with their natural weight, but unfortunately, I would have held up the line.
This was really touching!! Although I have never been called fat I could picture that little girls face when her brother and father agreed that she was fat. I have however been in restaurants when someone at another table was overheard calling someone fat and although many other tables around heard it no one wanted to say anything we all just kind of glanced at each other. You did a lot better than me. I would have just walked away and brought back the check but the fact that you let that little girl no that she was indeed not fat and that her dad was just jealous was so sweet.