femininity

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Growing Up Blissfully Feminine

The other day, I opened Instagram to a post by one of my grade school classmates, with whom I grew up for most of my life. They were discussing that they identify as “non-binary” and wrote a short piece describing their struggles growing up with these confusing feelings. I was happy that they were able to not only recognize how they were feeling, but also announce it to their mutuals on social media. The thing is, this story yet again reminded me that you truly never know how someone is experiencing life on a daily.

This experience in particular reminds me of Susan Stryker’s Frankenstein essay, as she explores the embodied experience of living in a gendered world that doesn’t quite fit one’s perceptions and feelings of their own identity. I can only imagine how frustrating these feelings must be, especially for a child.

I recall being in school with this person from elementary school all the way through high school. We were in the same classes, had the same friends, and even went on the same field trips together. I can still recall the time that we went on a canoeing field trip to observe the SAV (Submerged Aquatic Vegetation) in our local Chesapeake Bay, when we flipped our canoe and dumped ourselves right into the water. I always joked that we got to see the SAV “up close.”

I’ve made some good memories with this person, but until now, I hadn’t seen anything from them since high school graduation; I’d actually forgotten that I followed them on Instagram. Despite the joy that I felt knowing my old classmate had rediscovered themselves in a new way, I couldn’t help but think about all the times we spent together, while they were struggling with an internal identity crisis, and I had no idea. I absolutely loved my childhood. I’m so blessed to miss every part of growing up as a girl in the way that I did. My classmates’ post was yet another reminder of the sad truth that, ultimately, most people weren’t as blessed to have had the picture-perfect childhood that I did. I truly wish them the best with the rest of their identity journey and hope that they’ve gained some clarity and peace within themselves.

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Binder Blues

My ribs hurt as I am typing this blog post. Don’t worry, I’m fine, my current binder is just a bit too small for me. I try to only wear it two times a week, generally, and for less than six hours or so at a time. It’s not ideal, but I’m making it work until I am able to get a new one.

Now, why haven’t I gotten a new one yet? Well, let me introduce you to what it is like buying a binder as a mid-to-plus-sized disabled person.

Continue reading →
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“You’re not a girl!”

After reading “Throwing like girl’ and listening to everyone’s stories about how they grew up being treated as less than a girl or too much like a girl by their male peers had me thinking about my experiences when I was a kid and how I was treated just because I had different interests from other girls and had the same interests as some boys.

I remember in elementary school all the girls would play and talk about boys under the playground, but me I was that one girl on the basketball court or the football field trying to show out and out play the boys. Now this came with a lot of difficulties for me because at some points the boys would go easy on me and be like “well you’re a girl and I don’t want to hurt you”. But on the other hand they would undermine my skills in the sport after I beat them by saying “I went easy on you so I don’t hurt your feelings” now both of these sayings would hurt my feelings pretty bad and would make me feel like I truly couldn’t be apart of their little sports groups so it would push me away a little bit to try and hang out with the girls thinking that it would be different but come to find out I was very wrong about that.

As I gravitated under the playground so I could talk with the girls, it very quickly showed me just how uninterested I was in what they were talking about. All of the conversations consisted of them talking about how good the boys looked playing basketball or what new dress their mom bought them that week . And little old me would just sit there and listen and soon after all the girls started realizing that I wasn’t speaking in any of their conversations so they started to catch on and tried to single me out just as much as the boys. It got worse for me when we played this “girls vs boys” which was any game but with girls on one side and boys on the other, I would try and join the girls team when we would do this and the first thing I would hear was “you’re not a girl” and they would force me to be on the boys team completely altering the way I thought and I would try to change myself and act like I liked boys to please them.

Honestly as time went on the playing with boys part left after middle school and I was able to play sports freely in high school but the way that girls felt about me never fully changed because once I entered 10th grade I started becoming more masculine as I found myself so if anything it got worse. Girls wouldn’t let me say the word bitch, some girls didn’t want to change in front of me, I couldn’t be feminine, I couldn’t talk about periods because they “forgot” I got them and definitely couldn’t wear anything remotely feminine or I would get weird looks. They basically looked at me as a man and put me into a box but let me try and switch it up and be feminine it was always a problem so in the end I could never win. But as I got older I stopped caring what people had to say and it let me be as expressive as I want to be and happy in my body, masculinity and femininity.

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Male/Female: To be or Not to Be

After reading Dean Spade Mutilating Gender essay I am baffled and saddened. It seems as if gender binary is causing more strife in society than one cares to recognize or admit. Why does every entity in life need to be categorized in order to be accepted? Due to the ancient history of gender roles/identity and my new achievement of joining Biologist I am sure the discovery of karyotyping is throwing a wrench in the system. Continue reading →

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Don’t Censor the Bush/The Politics of Pubes

Today I want to talk about pubes.

For many people, deciding how to groom their pubic hair is an issue fraught with anxiety, and women in particular are bombarded with images of completely smooth, hairless thighs and bikini lines that we are supposed to emulate and admire. We’re told to shave it, pluck it, wax it, sculpt it—it doesn’t really matter what method we use, as long as we’re rid of our unsightly hair. This standard is so pervasive that women’s pubic hair is now widely slandered as unhygienic (patently false), barbaric, and, above all, pornographic.

*pics of pubes after the cut* Continue reading →