Sitting in my “to-read” list for a bit was this article. It caught my eye because of what we have been talking about in class for our fat studies unit. Now that I read it, I am SO glad I did.
During our conversation last week, we talked about the really important idea of keeping the lives of fat people at the center of our analysis. One of the other points from class that really stuck with me was that it’s not just enough to focus on loving our own bodies and encouraging people to love their bodies, but we also need to respect and love other people’s bodies of all shapes, to accept, to affirm, and to abandon size-judgement.
This article talks about one simple way that many people forget to do this – by giving, as the author names them, nonpliments. “You look so good lately! You’ve really slimmed down!” “What have you been doing? You look great!” The sayings are meant to be positive, but they really reinforce a sizeist attitude. As Bevin explains,
…just because you’re well-intentioned doesn’t mean what you say doesn’t have a harmful impact. Weight loss doesn’t mean I look good. I believe I look good at all of my weights–all bodies are good bodies. And I know your perception of me might have changed because you are socialized to believe smaller is better, but I would like to gently invite you to do something different with your nonpliments of “You look so good!” when someone has lost weight.
She goes on to offer suggestions of other ways to give people appearance compliments if you really feel the need to. But what I thought was most interesting was her point that weight loss isn’t always healthy. Bevin writes that for her, difficult emotional periods are often followed by weight loss – so when people compliment her, she makes a point of explaining that it’s actually because she’s in a bad spot right now. Calling attention to someone’s weight may actually trigger them – perhaps it’s emotional, or it’s because of a physical illness.
But people who are genuinely happy to be losing weight will often tell you right away (YES, THIS IS DEFINITELY TRUE!). You’ll probably find out pretty quickly about someone’s efforts if you’re talking to them. Bevin’s also has some great suggestions about how to respond to that – my personal favorite is,
I think you look great at any weight, but I’m really glad you feel good in your body right now.
What are your thoughts about these suggestions? Do you think they would be helpful for people trying to be better allies and challenge some of our ingrained sizeist attitudes? Do you have any other suggestions about how to be a good fat ally?
Unruly Bodies 
My dad always tells the story of a coworker who was going through cancer treatments and someone who didn’t know said this to them: “WOW – YOU LOOK SO GOOD, YOU’VE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT!”
Basically, if someone doesn’t TELL you they are dieting or trying to change something about their body, don’t comment on it!
It isn’t so hard.
This post is really interesting because it is something that I hadn’t really thought about before. I, too, have found myself reveling in this “compliment,” never thinking about how it is often a hidden insult. Although I have been taught to love my body at any shape and size, I have also been taught that losing weight is the best way to look good. Often I have received these “nonpliments,” like the author, after a difficult period in my life, or else when I have been eating unhealthily, but that was all forgotten when someone told me I looked good and asked if I had lost weight. This article is an important reminder that ones’ weight is not something that should determine their self-worth, and I enjoy her suggestions for other types of compliments.
I love this! Just the word nonpliment. I’m adopting it. I have found that the only “comment” about my weight that I can tolerate (if any is) “you look like you’ve lost weight” or “have you lost weight?” It’s not nice or mean. It’s an observation. It comes from that place of walnting to compliments but falling into the traps of sizism, but I can generally tolerate a conversation about it when it seems to come from a place of interest in where I am. Asking if I have lost weight isn’t really your business, but I get why people say it. Generally, I agree with the author. If I’m doing something different and I’m losing weight and that makes me feel good, I will broadcast it. We like feeling good. I think people in general do that. I’m so glad you shared this article and I really appreciate your insights!
Oh wow I’m going through something like this right now. I’m taking a medication that causes weight loss and I am currently miserable because none of my clothes fit, I was happy at my old weight, and I’m starting to feel like a skeleton. However one of the first things I hear from people who haven’t seen me in a while is “Wow, look at you, you look so skinny!” And they mean that as a compliment, which makes me wonder what they thought of me before, when I was happy with my weight and why we know to think of that as a compliment in the first place. I agree that we should wait for the actual person to give us some kind of go ahead before we start talking about their weight, even if it comes from good intentions. I’m also going to start telling people number 4