There was a time in my life not that long ago in which the only value or self-worth I had depended on others, men in particular. That was the only way that I knew that I had worth, was if someone else found me desirable.
*possible trigger warning for negative sexual experiences (coercion for example)*
I was aware of feminism and even identified as one at that time. I knew that women’s value was based off of appearance, etc etc. I know. I knew. And yet, despite being aware of things, it didn’t change how I felt about myself. Even to this day I can preach to the choir, reblog all the body posi things, even get tattoos with proclamations of self-love and loving myself first – and those crippling, painful thoughts that I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, or desirable enough still consumes me.
tattoo time
There is a string of bad ‘relationships’ in my past – I can think of at least five out of seven instances in which sexual happenings were not consensual. Alcohol is apparently a yes for some people. And coercion was a common thing. “Come on…come on, I know you want to. I have a condom. It won’t take that long. Come on girl, you’re giving me blue balls. Just give me a blow job.” Those are only some of the things I remember said to me.
A few days ago one of those people sent a simple “Hey” text and added me on facebook. I hadn’t spoken to him in a while, and when he would speak to me, it was when he wanted sex. I ignored both interactions. A few days went by and he sent me another one, saying he was trying to change and wanted to apologize for being an ass. I informed him that he was an ass, and I thanked him for the apology. I did not accept it, nor do I. I do not want to talk to him. Nor do I want to talk to the other dude who keeps on sending me facebook messages asking to “catch up, have a beer” and loves to tell me how hard it is to be friends with me because I ignore everything he says. He is someone who told me that he wouldn’t need condoms with me because I wasn’t going to have sex with him.
I ignore him for obvious reasons.
I like to think that my body is no longer available for other people.
But I still fall into those traps where my value is linked to others who find me sexually attractive. My body is only worth something if other people can gain pleasure from it. I know that’s toxic, wrong and fucked up.
Trust me, I know.
I just don’t know how to stop it.
Unruly Bodies 
This actually makes me think of a conversation I had with my cousins over the Thanksgiving break. Both of my cousins (who are the exact same age as me) both confessed to situations in which they felt pressured to have sex and connected their entire self worth to the act. “I feel like if I don’t have sex with him when he wants it he’ll find someone else to do it for him and he always gets upset”. It surprised me so much because I consider both of my cousins to be strong and confident women. What was more surprising was the way in which they casually said it-as if its completely normal to live in this way. Its pretty interesting that no matter where anyone is from, many women can connect on this subject because it’s so normalized.
I hate it when guys are so annoying to get the sex, I hate the excuses of blue balls, and the I did this for you so you do this for me. Most guys need to realize it is all about consent and a woman’s body is her body and no body is able to manipulate her into doing anything she doesn’t want to do with it. It took me a while to learn that but now I have reclaimed my body and it is mine again.
I hate that you have this baggage in your life. I hate how relatable it is. I hate that I can relate. But I love that you shared it. Overcoming a lifetime of believing you weren’t valuable unless someone said so is hard. It’s so hard. And like you said, knowing that’s not true isn’t enough. I have to remind myself that I’m enough all the time. And a lot of times, I don’t believe it. I have people in my life with my best interests at heart telling me I’m enough, and sometimes I don’t believe it. I will tell you that you are enough, you are more than enough, you don’t need anyone else to place value on you to be valuable; you already are. You are irreplaceable. No one can give to the world what you will, what you already have. But there will probably always be days when you don’t believe it. There will probably always be days when you doubt yourself so fully that it’ll take the words of others to make you feel whole. But I know you’ll get there, and the important thing is to keep remembering these awful memories, these awful pasts and awful people, to see how far you’ve come and remind yourself that you are enough, and you don’t need anyone to make you that way.
Goodness do I relate to this. I spent most of my live maneuvering my way through this world, hoping to catch some form of love for myself in the arms and affection of men. I spent years allowing myself to be treated as if I were disposable, as if my body was merely a piece of flesh ready and willing to be used and abused however necessary for a fleeting moment of “love”. It took years to get to where I am today, to be able to have longer moments than not of looking in the mirror and truly believing that I am worth something. I know the struggle and the fears so well. I cannot agree with Ashley more and say that you are enough and the more you search for love outside yourself, the more you lose it.