Earlier in the semester, I stated that I suffer from anxiety disorder, which is considered to be a mental health mood disorder. I have had to deal with this since I was 14 years old; just a freshman in high school. That’s about an eight year battle.My first episode occurred when I was in my final class of the day. I remember feeling as though I was acquiring a sense of tunnel vision, as I became dissociated from my body. The mind/body connection is implored here as I experienced an out of body experience. I could see myself being closed by an invisible force and could not scream, as if my voice had disappeared. I truly felt as though I might die, yet there was nothing anyone could do to help.
This is just a short summary of my recollection of the events and symptoms that I experienced. Everyone who battles anxiety disorder has very different experiences with panic attacks. The body is forced to deal with the fact that control has been lost, which relates to “Problems of Embodiment.”
My biggest fear was wondering how this new development in my life would affect my acting. Born and raise with a heart dedicated to the craft, acting has always been my first love. When I first exhibited symptoms of panic attacks, it was during a time when I was rehearsing for the school’s fall semester play. I remember sneaking off by myself during breaks, trying to control- and failing- to soothe my imminent panic attacks.
When my friends find out that I have anxiety disorder, they always wonder “How can that be? You always seem so happy go- lucky, as if nothing fazes you.” My response is always “That’s because the medication is working, if not, I would be a complete shit-show.” A lot of people do not believe in medication to treat illness, that there are more natural ways to cope. With my busy and hectic schedule, I prefer the medication, though I am still trying to learn better breathing techniques and I am looking into different pressure points methods to bring calmness.
I’m also questioned about how I am able to perform onstage, without having an anxiety attack. But the answer is clear, Acting does not give me anxiety; it gives me life. “Illness is about figuring out how to survive with the loss of control over the body. But my “illness” will never control my talent; my passion, which gives me peace and a sense of control.
Unruly Bodies 
I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, so I can really relate to this post. Your point about the mind/body split is such a good one; for me, the line between the two has always been blurry at best when it comes to my anxiety. My anxiety has such strong physical manifestations–it’s a cold, creeping, sinking feeling in my stomach and back; a heaviness and tightness of the chest; and, if it’s really bad, the tunnel vision that you described and the feeling that I’m rushing outside of my body. It’s very difficult to tell which came first: is it these strong physical feelings that make me feel anxious, or are these merely physical symptoms of my mental anxiety? Or is my view of the mind and body as separate when it comes to my anxiety just entirely false, and should I simply accept that the two are inextricably connected? Anyways, thanks for giving me a mini-existential crisis (and I mean that in the best possible way) and some food for thought!
I’ve also struggled with anxiety, and I used to act so I have some idea of where you’re coming from. I agree that acting can be cathartic, but I wonder how you feel about auditioning? I realize that what causes anxiety varies, but for me, auditioning was extremely anxiety-inducing. Once, I was on stage I was fine and any jitters I got were good ones that came from excitement, not anxiety, but that didn’t apply to the audition process in the same way.
Mental health and medication is such a huge complicated thing. People who wouldn’t just wait out tonsillitis or strep throat without antibiotics will tell you that you shouldn’t need the medication or it’s all a pharmaceutical conspiracy. My medication is the bedrock layer that is allowing me to return to school after two years off and two years of failing classes. There’s more to it—I’ve learned better coping skills and study strategies, etc., but I couldn’t have gotten to a state where I was able to learn, retain, and apply those skills without starting with the medication.
For some of us, medication is what helps us get back to a baseline that others take for granted, so that we can actually share/express/engage our talents and passions. I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you.