Recently, I have started going to yoga classes at the RAC twice a week with my roommate and one of my suite mates. After going to a few sessions, I realized how much yoga makes me aware of my body in different ways.

First class: I walk into the room where the class is held, and I see a slew of medium-height, slender girls (and a few guys) with perfectly toned bodies who gracefully rolled out their yoga mats and sat down and stretched their perfectly formed muscles. It just so happens that my room mate and my suite mate also have very slender builds. They’re naturally skinny. I on the other hand, am not. I am curvy and I do have some extra fat on my body. I always try to block this fact out of my mind when I am with them, because I constantly compare myself to them. I know, bad feminist! Love your body! Easier said than done, my friends. I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember and I haven’t conquered it yet. When we started the session that first day, I tried to remind myself that each body works differently, and everyone is at a different level of yoga mastery, and that’s okay! Well, when your arms are shaking when you are in a high plank position and no one else’s are, that’s a little hard to remember. Several times I looked to my right and my left and saw my room mate and suite mate perfectly in whatever position we were doing (my suite mate had never done yoga before). I remember thinking, “Jeez, I’m really too fat for this”, while doing some of the positions. But of course, I’m supposed to be happy with my body the way it is, right? My bad.

The second session I went to was not any easier. Or the session after that. Or after that. I remember walking out of the RAC with my friends those times and saying some really negative things about myself. “I’m too fat for this”,  was the main one.

Eventually, something clicked. I think it started to make sense in my head when one day the yoga instructor said something like, “Don’t be afraid to touch your neighbor’s hand and let your energy flow from you to the next person”. In that moment I realized that yoga is not about how muscular you can get from doing it, but more about the positive energy you create. Eventually, I began to see yoga as a way to use my body to create positive energy and peace for my self (how’s that for Cartesian Dualism, eh?). I was using my body to inhale deeply with peace and positive energy and exhale all of my stress, worries, and the things that keep me from being at peace. After I discovered this, I seemed to do so much better with yoga. I started to do less of looking around at other people and comparing myself to them, and more of focusing on my body, my breath, and my inner peace. I even realized I was more successfully completing the poses as well! After that session, I remember thinking, “I am okay. I am at peace”. I remember making an intention for the next session to continue focusing on my own body and not other people’s bodies.

Since I have been struggling with comparing myself for so long, this was a huge realization for me.

I will end this post the way we end our yoga practices: We say the word that literally means, “The light, the love, the teacher in me respects the light, the love, the teacher in each one of you: Namaste”.