I’m not surprised in the slightest by the failure of the justice system to indict Darren Wilson. In the eyes of our society, black bodies and lives do not matter, and it’s no shock to anyone who knows any statistics on black male imprisonment that the law would side with an armed police officer’s right to self-defense before coming to the defense of an unarmed black man. The correlation is direct, it is salient, and it is hiding in plain sight behind the bars of our prisons. The justice system in no way favors black men, and so even one who was killed by said justice system is at the mercy of the same racism as those being charged with crime. Were Mike Brown still alive, it’s possible that he could be the one facing time for aggravated assault of a police officer and attempted robbery of the convenience store which he allegedly stole cigars from.

My question is how. How do I move forward from this? How do I continue to exist in a social circle that yes, while it’s composed of wonderful people who are all queer feminists and believe in anti-racism and racial justice, is completely and totally white? How do I look into the faces of these friends and ignore their pity, ignore the unintentional looks of guilt that show that they feel bad and sympathize with me when all that I want is to scream and cry and retreat into myself? How do I continue to have normal conversations with these people, with my closest friends, without the constant reminder that I am black and my life does not matter in the eyes of the law and most white Americans? How do I tell them that it isn’t fair that they get to care about the protests and issues of racial justice when they want to and go back to their lives when they get overwhelmed and I can’t because this is my life and these issues are constantly on my mind because they have to be and because I could very well be the next Mike Brown? How do I remain focused and stay on top of my academics and jobs and involvement on campus when I am in constant fear for my life because I don’t drive and have to take the bus to and from campus, at times walking a mile from the closest UMBC shuttle to my house when I can’t afford to pay for public transit?

These thoughts, along with many, many others, have been whirling through my head at a million miles per hour since the non-indictment, and I realize that these issues stem from the body, and are so surely felt in the body. Our bodies are discriminated against simply BECAUSE THEY ARE BLACK, and so the consequences of all of the assumptions that come with viewing another’s skin color are that our lives are lost, our bodies are left in the middle of streets for 4.5 hours, and our killers are pardoned by the justice system for their abominable actions. These are the consequences that we face being born as black bodies.