“Wait, I don’t get it, why can’t you come to the party tonight?” My best friend asks, tilting her head in confusion as I struggle to finally say that after all of my drug abuse, I feel extraordinary uncomfortable around any sorts of substances besides shisha. I had a bit of a spat with hard drugs when I was in high school as well as growing up with a former addict (brother), they’ve (drugs) become a bit of a touchy subject for me but I figured if I could release everything else in my life on this blog, why not keep going? It actually helps me sort out my thoughts as I try to figure out how to start the final paper for Dr. Kate.

I always feel embarrassed to even use the word ‘trigger’ in regards to my issues (have y’all noticed a common theme of me consistently denying the full reality of my issues in these blog posts?) because I don’t want to be the one who makes my friends stay home on a Friday night but at the same time, I don’t want to be the friend who keeps getting left out of events because of my issues. I’ve slowly become a strange mix of the two and it makes me feel as though I’m caught up in a limbo between two people, being pulled like taffy as I try to find a balance between making sure I’m not about to have a panic attack, succumb to my previous habits, and feeling comfortable + having a good time with my best friends. Lately, all I’ve felt was extremely uncomfortable around my best friends and though they know my issues and hugely respect them, I forget to mention the fact that I need my space and need to re-figure out my place and who I am.

It’s not uncommon to find one of my best friends at concerts or some event during the weekend. She always mentions it to me later asking me why I didn’t come; I sharply ask why she didn’t think to invite me and she sheepishly mentions she considered it, but my drug issues stopped her, again. I’m honestly trying to figure out how many fucking concerts do you have to get fucked up at? Also can I actually go to a concert and party and not get fucked up or have a break down–I like to think I can, especially when I have someone with me to keep my head floating above water.

The other one to always want to smoke, to have me drop her off at someone’s place to get wasted after we hang out; she typically avoids the whole “I know you’re a former, so I won’t tell you about what I did this weekend even though I know you saw it all on Snapchat and got my drunk messages on Whatsapp” and typically, I’ll avoid her for a week or two and feel like there’s vomit stuck in my throat and I’m trying not to choke on it as she casually surpasses the whole ordeal. For some reason, she’s usually the one who bothers me the most. I think it’s because I don’t think she takes me seriously. I don’t know how to get her to actually see me for a second without feeling like I’m ruining her life.

Using the word ‘triggered’ makes me feel ashamed of myself, like I failed because I did this to myself; I feel like my past actions are dictating the lives of my best friends and holding me back. I’m not sure what to do anymore but all I know is that I want to melt into the ground and not think.