2016 has been very hellish for me. There has been a ton of loss. I have dealt with a new kind of loss; the loss of a person who is still alive. In March I went through a very ugly break-up. One which I never thought I would recover from; one I am still trying to recover from.Â
My whole world shattered right before my eyes. I have never felt so alone, so broken. I really thought that this person was my person, my soul mate, my ride-or-die life partner. We complemented each other in many ways. So many of our friends and family would constantly tell us how perfect we were. We were mature enough to realize that we were anything but perfect, but we worked. We just clicked. And then in March everything changed. He changed. And I lost my best friend and the love of my life. I still cry as I am writing this; as though I am reliving this hell over and over again, which I often do. Everyone says that time heals everything; that in time things will get better and I ‘ll start to feel better. This hasn’t really happened for me…yet. Everyday is a constant struggle. My ex is the first person on my mind in the morning and the last person on my mind before I try to get some sleep. It’s been a long time since our ending, but it still hurts; maybe not as bad as it once did, but the lingering reminder of loneliness and heartache still presents itself regularly.
This whole dating world scares me. We are living in the age of tinder, bumble, social media that is often superficial and false advertisements of people and relationships. I do not like the way people “date” now. Where has all the love gone? Where has the excitement of wooing another disappeared to? These days it’s all about casual sex and polyamorous relationships. So many are afraid to establish serious connections; so many are afraid to feel and expose themselves. I’ve been on multiple dates and found them all lacking in some way, and it terrifies me. The prospect that I may never find another love like the one I had before is disheartening. I don’t want to be alone forever, but if that were to be my future I’d survive. And maybe I am worrying for nothing and maybe everything will be fine. And I know that many of you have experienced heartache and know how it feels to fear the unknown, and know how it feels to be lonely. I hope that 2017 brings me happiness; I hope it brings everyone happiness and closure. I hope for those of you out there to never stop being a hopeless romantic, never stop loving too much. For it is so much better to feel something than to feel nothing at all. Don’t ever settle, and fight for what you believe in. Much happiness and love to you all.
Unruly Bodies 
I’m so sorry that you’re going through a breakup. I recently ended a 4 yr relationship with my partner because I realized that we just weren’t as compatible as I needed for us to be. It’s hard when you’ve had a companion for almost every aspect of your life for four years and all of a sudden they’re no longer there. It’s harder? when you’re the one to break things off because YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF. I think the only good coping mechanism, for both, is to recognize that the breakup is for the best in the future. If you’re meant to be together, you both will literally want to stay together. You don’t want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. And not wanting to be with you doesn’t say anything negative about who you are as a person.
I’m rambling.
I hope you start feeling better about this breakup soon, and I hope you have a fantastic start to the new year. Dating is the pits, don’t even worry about it!
This is very relatable and thank you for posting.I’m sorry to hear about your break up. Special connections and bonds like that doesn’t go away or stop hurting soon. I think it just takes time and effort and a good support system.
I am also terrified of the modern dating world. I feel cheated n many ways. When I hear stories of my mom and dad counting and learning to love each other, i can’t help but feel jealous that in our society right now (with like you said online dating and causal sex being the thing) we might not experience that.
I hope everything gets better, and the new year is fresh, new, and amazing for you!!
Hi there! Thank you for sharing this post. I recently broke off a 3 year relationship. I had plans to relocate after this semester and it’s been tough knowing that it isn’t going to happen and what awaits instead. The unknown is hard. It’s so scary. Please know you’re not alone in this. This is a time of transition. I believe whether it be tonight or in 2 months or even longer from now we will be alright 🙂 lean in if you need.
Hey there, thanks for sharing this post because it’s really heartfelt and an honest take on a breakup and the outlook on life with people afterwards. I do agree that the dating scene is very much like a database full of human advertisements. It’s almost as if capitalist consumerism has reached the point where we are consuming each other in some capacity. If we wish to learn something from queer time, it’s surprising to realize that we don’t have to subscribe to the new style of dating that’s occurring right now. Keep going out into the world and meet people, you never know who your fancy might be.
In regards to your mind state at the current moment, find as much time as you can to travel if you have the chance to do so! Even if it’s only a day or two, the switch to different geographic locations and culture help to alleviate your well-being.
Plus it might help to meet people from different walks of life. Love can also be found in friendships and hobbies and art as well. Take it easy and enjoy yourself!