I’ve read somewhere before (and now somehow find it impossible to find a source) that identity is an advertisement for a product that doesn’t exist. I don’t think I’ve ever found a definition that rang as true for me as that did.

In my last post, I wrote about disconnecting from my body through the internet. An aspect of that that I wanted to give its own space is the disconnect I was having with gender.

To recap, I was an extremely lonely teen and I lived primarily online. I am a fairly lonely adult trying to reintegrate into physical society. 

If gender is a social construct and I have no one to perform with… what does gender mean?

If there was only one human left on Earth, would it matter if they were a man, woman, or nonbinary? Would it really mean anything if there was no one to mean it with? You could say that if it’s a part of their identity, it’s to understand themself, but I feel as though identity is to understand themself as a part of something bigger, in tandem with society. It’s important to know your edges if you’re a piece in a puzzle, but does it matter when the rest of the puzzle doesn’t exist? 

I don’t plan to physically transition and I wouldn’t call myself transmasculine or transfeminine. I have body dysmorphia but not gender dysphoria. The most social dysphoria I feel is with gendered words, but it’s hard to know if that’s “internalized misogyny” and I’m just uncomfortable being seen as a woman because of what’s required of women. 

When being forced to choose between binary options on forms or apps, I go for the gender I was assigned at birth. It doesn’t feel wrong but it also doesn’t feel right. Most often, it just feels unnecessary.

I remember watching a Vihart video several years ago where she revealed she has a different but similar outlook: gender doesn’t matter to her. When she was growing up, it confused and annoyed her that people made such a big deal out of it. 

I do have a preference for ungendered or genderless words, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s from the disconnect with my body. Is escaping from gender another way of living outside of it?

Does the happiness they/them pronouns give me come from the trust and respect I have with the person I’ve come out to about them or does it come from not being seen as a woman, with the body that I have? Is it alright to want that? 

It’s easier to focus on the material: these pronouns make me happier, being viewed as nonbinary makes me happier, etc. But these questions still haunt me.