TW: Discussion of OCD, face picking and scarring, and mental disability
I have always heard that. In different versions in different voices. Sometimes even in my own head. But when I look at my face now, I see the remnants of the damaged body I live in, evidence of an uncontrollable mind, and a reminder of a complicated relationship between them and the world around me.
3 weeks ago, I found out I have something called “Pure O” OCD. In clinical terms it is the experience of obsessive unwanted thoughts without visible compulsions or rituals. I won’t delve into what my specific obsessions are. What I will say is that I have lived my life believing I am a bad person. That the thoughts were the sum of my life and they allude to the evil I for so long considered to be me.
https://www.madeofmillions.com/articles/pure-o-an-exploration-into-a-lesser-known-form-of-ocd
Pure O is complicated, fascinating, and terrifying. I would love to write a post solely dedicated to it. But today is not about the thoughts I have but the scars they have left on my face. How those scars have left an opening to those of an ableist mind to comment on the features they may never try to understand.
See when I have an obsessive thought, I do have a compulsion. I pick at my face.
For years I have heard the comments made about my scarred face. I have gotten endless remarks with one core theme; your face is not correct you should fix it. Even I never considered it could be evidence of something more, I just assumed I was weaker than the ones with the advice. No one ever knew that under the incorrect body, was a girl just trying to have control over one thing, or losing control of another.
In these 3 weeks, I have considered all the ways I can finally show this to the world. I could talk about invisible disabilities. How they can be made visible without people realizing it, and visibility of one part does not mean there is something to correct. I can talk about how the policing so many people do of other bodies is ableist, because the ableist view does not consider the underlying mechanisms making it seem like the only disability that matters are the ones that can be “corrected”. I can talk about how psychological illness is sometimes left in the dust behind physical disability and my face is what needed to be corrected so no one could look past it. For 23 years a disorder was missed that now has validated my life. But the 23 years of invalidation this created further disables me in ways I am just now working through.
One day I will talk about all of this. Today I want to tell my story as an entity on the internet with no mind to control, no body to fix, and no disorder to judge.
I have Pure O OCD. I pick my face to extremes. And today, if the only day, is the day that my mind and my body adhere to the story I want to tell. That the narrative people have of their disability is not always the one you can see. Instead of trying to find a way to fix my disability, all I need is for you to close your eyes, use your ears, and try to listen.
Unruly Bodies 
The comments one pass about your face scarring says more about them and less about you. However to find some inspiration, do follow a beauty blogger named @emeraldxbeauty – Kadeeja Sel Khan. She keeps it real with her face with no photoshop/facetune or edits and embraces her scars. It is really encouraging to see that picking the face or a scarred face is still normal.
Wow, I really thought I was the only one that encountered this exact issue in life. I used to bite my nails and pick my skin for about 22 years of my life. This (2020) is literally the first year that I’ve gotten a hold on my tendencies — it wasn’t easy though. For so long, I thought I was the issue — people would tell me, “take your hands out your mouth”, “no man is going to want to marry you with chewed up nails like that”, “what’s wrong with you?”, and etc. As a result of being shamed, I completely disregarded the thought that maybe something greater here was at play. I thought the issue was just me having a habit that I couldn’t break, just as my father did, however he had passed away, so I didn’t really have anybody that I could talk to or help me to better understand. It was my ex-boyfriend that got me to really get to the bottom of things. I started to research on the internet and talk to my counselor, only to find out that I had OCD. When I learned that, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders — because it wasn’t just me, it was an actual issue. Long story short, I’ve stopped biting my nails and picking my skin, and I’ve truly blossomed. On the other hand, I’ve gotten my thoughts under control. Sometimes I may have a bad day, but I’m mostly able to talk myself away from those thoughts!
WOW! this is so relatable because I have anxiety and often times I would randomly just start picking my head and constantly shake my legs. Often times my parents and siblings would tell me to stop but its really hard because it helps me focus at times and it helps me think. Also explaining that to them seems more complicated than it sounds because they wouldn’t understand. Before I would just pick on scares on my face but then lately I just pick on scares on my scalp. Sometimes it gets to the point where you feel like you have to “finish the job” by making sure the whole scab is removed completely.
Thank you so SO much for this post. I do not have OCD but when my anxiety kicks into overdrive I will borderline mutilate my nails/fingers by picking at them. The trivialization of mental illness is an exhausting trend that those of us affected have to deal with, leading to further stigmatization which leaves us affected wondering “what parts of my illness/disability can I show you without you freaking out or calling the cops on me?” It’s an annoying and seemingly never-ending barrier preventing us from getting help because we’re scared of how people will react (at least I do).
I was super excited when I saw this post! I have OCD as well and I’m more on the obsessive side mostly dealing with an extreme amount of intrusive thoughts. I do have a few compulsions though. I have been picking my face for years now. I have acne scars all over my face and especially on my cheeks. For the longest I felt really ugly. And my mom would yell at me like “stop picking your face!” as if I could just turn it off. I’ve tried to just never pick my face and I can’t not do it. Especially because I suffer from acne due to a hormonal condition. Theres always something for me to pick on my face. My scars have gotten better because of acne medication and picking a little less. But whats most important to me is how I have confidence now. I don’t care if I have scars on my face. I still love myself and that’s all that matters.