At first I didn’t want to write about this. COVID-19. It seems the obvious choice in a class on embodiment. Write about the thing going on in the world right now terrorizing bodies, shaming bodies, changing bodies. It somehow seems cliche to write about COVID-19. How can it be overwritten when it seems as though COVID-19 still has so many words to say. I didn’t want to write on it because I wanted to take its power somehow. But I have learned that the power it holds is larger than we see, and recognizing this is how we may take the power back.
This weekend my house had a COVID scare. We have had scares before, whether it was from working in our “essential” service jobs, or taking a cough as a sign of doom. I’m sure most of us have had them. This one was different. This time my roommate shared a cigarette with a girl who tested positive. This time after that cigarette me and my roomate shared a straw. This time after that straw I kissed my partner. This time after that kiss I saw my family. The CDC told us not to. But it was Thanksgiving. I can make a lot of excuses for my choice but the truth is I just missed my family.
The Saturday after Thanksgiving is when we found out. “She tested positive for COVID”, “How direct was the contact”, “Direct”, “What does the timeline look like”, “Well I shared the cigarette with her over the weekend and she tested positive sometime early in the week like Tuesday”.
https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/managing-stress-anxiety.html
I went cold. I pulled my car over to breathe and think. Have to tell work, have to call the other roommates, have to call my family, have to go home, have to breathe. The idea of having COVID has been real to me for a very long time now, but the very real fact that I could be breathing it at that moment was a head spin.
I made the calls, I headed home, all the while churning over the fear of this virus. It wasn’t my body that was the concern though. I thought of my family. The people I love, and the people who could possibly be changed because of me. And then a new realization hit. Tuesday. She tested positive Tuesday. Days before a family holiday, days before she told someone she had direct contact with, days before we knew.
I have sat with all of this information for a few days now. After receiving a negative test it was easier to examine. The ways in which this had happened, the consequences of my actions, and the consequences of other people.
Now I said this was about embodiment and I promise I am wrapping this back around. Because these days what I have felt is betrayal, but what I have understood is fear.
I felt betrayed by my body. For not giving me the signs that I was diseased, for not somehow alerting me to the fact that I was hazardous. I felt betrayed by this girl for not thinking of my roommate, of our families, of the mailman who I grabbed mail from who all could have been infected by her lack of information. And then I understood the fear. The fear I felt, that she likely did, that not only did our bodies betray us, but the sheer act of being in physical space with someone had created a chain reaction that could not be fixed. That no matter what she did, her body had taken over and possibly infected those she cares about, and she had no control.
I am not saying I agree with her actions, or even my own, but it made me think of how much of that fear comes from society’s ideas of bodies. How much of her hesitation came from wanting to not be seen as sick? How much of her delay came from not wanting to be Patient X that infected house 816? How much of her struggle to tell came from the idea that bodies that have COVID are literally quarantined off from society and told they are too dangerous to exist in the world until their body is back under their control? How much of her fear was valid because society has always done this to bodies?
All of these measures for COVID are valid. We need to quarantine, stop the spread, tell people when we are infected. But has this virus perpetuated a fear that society already held; that those we see as “sick” are somehow to be feared. Has this virus unknowingly not only taken over our physical bodies, but our understanding of our bodies in our society?
I have asked a lot of questions of those reading this, and I’d like to try and answer at least one with my andicotal experience. When I found out I told everyone. My job, my family, the people I had seen. But a part of me didn’t want to. A part of me was afraid of all the things I questioned above. All of me was scared.
It’s subtle, hard to see under the mission of stopping the spread, but in stopping one spread I think we have continued another. Spreading the narrative that sick bodies are dangerous, to be avoided, and at the core of the problem; sick bodies are to be hidden.
We need to stop the spread. We need to fight coronavirus. We also need to remember that the virus is what needs to be feared, not the people who have bodies that society has deemed as “sick”.
Unruly Bodies 
The fear of COVID is very scary and especially when it comes to our family and friends. The fear of COVID is something we all need to talk about because some people are saying “oh I got covid and recovered within a few day” , its like good for you but you have to think about the other people around you, not just yourself. Also lately i’ve been seeing people on snapchat still going partying and stuff and its like ……..really…… like do you not care about other peoples health and not just yourselves. See I live with my grandparents and they are high risk, so I’ve been very cautious about who i’m with and making sure I wipe down everything and take a shower before I get into contact with my grandparents.
Thank you for sharing this. COVID-19 has really highlighted the need for community care and our need to approach each other with compassion first. I definitely agree with you that the virus itself needs to be feared, not folks who are “sick”. We need to honor and hold each other accountable, but also practice grace and empathy and remember we are all humans. This pandemic should not be framed to target the individual who may be sick or at a higher risk of exposure – we have to address the core of the issue which is the disease itself.
Thank you for sharing this. As a first generation immigrant, it’s interesting to see the reception to COVID-19 here and from my birth country. The country I’m from has handled COVID very well and wearing masks was always a thing prior to this pandemic. I think the culture has a lot to do with people wearing masks out of respect for others and the emphasis on community, versus here where the culture is very individualistic and lately has been very selfish in regards to public safety. I definitely agree that America has a stigma about sick people/bodies and that the concern for the virus is not really there until people have personal experiences with it. I think while people should fear the virus (in a healthy way not paranoia or anything), the emphasis needs to be more on community and caring for others genuinely.