For as long as I can remember, food and I have had a love hate relationship. I have watched countless friends be hospitalized because of eating disorders and always thought to myself, “hmm I’m not that bad, I won’t end up like that”. I constantly restricted my eating because I wanted to stay the same size. I was a cheerleader for 13 years, which definitely didn’t help my body image issues. All through middle and high school I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch at school. I thought by doing this as well as exercising, I could stay the same weight. 90 pounds at 5’6…not my best look. Eventually I started gaining weight when I got really hurt at cheer. I had no other choice but to be basically sedentary for almost a year. Eventually the negative thoughts about my image faded away. I was fairly happy with how I looked now; I mean I had no other choice.
Fast forward a couple of years.
I was getting ready for school one day when I put on my favorite pair of jeans and they didn’t fit anymore. Surely I was mistaken and they would go back to fitting the next day. Well, that day never came. The number on the scale wasn’t different, by body shape was. I became very uncomfortable and upset with the way I looked. For some reason, I thought that keeping track of everything I ate would be a good idea. I intensely tracked my food intake everyday to make sure I was eating an “okay” amount so I wouldn’t gain weight. This ate away at me and I found myself constantly making excuses why I couldn’t eat. It was a constant argument with my parents and friends. “I’m just not hungry, ok?”
I restricted myself to 1,000 calories a day. I was constantly googling diets and what I could eat for a 200 calorie meal. I logged everything I ate. I would literally log if I ate 1 skittle… a SINGLE skittle?! I was literally obsessed with keeping track of what I ate. My mom was always arguing with me but I had convinced myself I was healthier this way. I would only eat the serving size of whatever snack I was eating. I lost weight, but for what? My jeans still didn’t fit me. I was a very angry and mean person at this point in my life, I was literally starving. After about 8 months I realized what I was truly doing to myself. I had the energy of a sloth, I was tired but couldn’t sleep and my stress level was through the roof. I since, thankfully, have realized that my clothes do not get to dictate my happiness.
Unruly Bodies 
Hi,
I have also struggled with eating habits. I think with social media these days it is so easy to have an unhealthy relationship with food. I think it is soothing to think of food as fuel for you body rather than a restrictive measure of beauty. I liked how you said that your “clothing doesn’t get to dictate your happiness” because your body is going to change so much throughout life, it is not fair to only picture it in one way it has looked in the past. I am glad that your journey has taken an upside and I wish you nothing but the best in the future!
Hi,
Thank you for sharing this in your post, it is a tough thing to talk about, but one that. needs so much attention. I think I still struggle with an eating disorder. I always think its okay to just skip a meal when in reality your body really needs the food to recharge. Our bodies will always tell us what they and sometimes its just best to actually listen.
I struggled with many of the same things that you did and I truly know the pain. I am so sorry that you felt that way. No one should ever feel less of a person because of their body everyone is beautiful and unique in their own way. I remember always counting calories and researching what the lowest calorie food was. It is a terrible society we live in to have our happiness be dictated by the size of jeans we wear or the way we look in a crop top. I am very happy you found happiness and hope you continue to not care about the dumb things in life!!!