I never was very self-conscious growing up, I knew I was chunky but really who wasn’t? I ate what I liked and didn’t think much about what people thought. Why would my waist size affect anything but the pants I buy? As time goes on you get taller, thin out a bit, but I always stayed a little hefty.
I went to a small, private, Christian school and as a gay teen, the dating options were little to none. I never had the chance to “court” or do all the normal high school things. I pretended to have crushes just to help the time pass, and keep people off my case. Once I graduated and turned 18, online dating was at its height, and I was an animal unleashed.
I started slow, with no profile pic or stats. When I got aquatinted with a guy, I’d send my picture and he would either call me “CUTE” or block me. These were men almost twice my age. I’d scroll through profiles, swiping through people in seconds. “Only fit” “No chubs” “fitforfit” were some common phrases I’d see. Everyone’s perfectly sculptured abs or tan dad bods would be on display, and for the first time, I didn’t like who I saw in the mirror. The field I was playing in was guys my age who looked like me or hot 42-year-olds who were either insane or married. But there was another field I yearned to be a part of. Muscular, proportionate, successful, super gays. Some whose bodies were their pride.
After I entered this online world, I looked in the mirror a different way. Every piece of food that was in my hand was calculated and no matter what It was, once digested, I was filled with regret. The freedom and opportunity I seemed for years, ruined the way I saw myself, and it’s a constant battle to love me, the way I am.
Unruly Bodies 
It’s honestly terrible the way the internet has allowed us to perceive ourselves in different ways. I understand and relate to how you feel. When I was younger, I didn’t really care at all how people perceived me. I downloaded Instagram in middle school and was fine with getting 10 likes on a post. But as I got older, I began to justify my attractiveness and my likeabilty based on how many likes I got on a post, or how many people liked me on a dating app. This is something I definitely still struggle with and honestly its hard to get out of that mindset when we are so stuck in the digital world. One thing that has helped me a lot is turning off notifications and turning off the ability to see how many people have liked my posts.
Online dating can be so difficult. It is superficial and since its all over the phone, it is way too easy for people to be mean without acountability. I was in a long term relationship and downloaded dating apps when I became single again and was quickly overwhelmed with it all. You are putting pictures of yourself out there for someone to make a decision about you in just a second. I understand the insecurity coming from putting yourself out on this platform. I even found myself comparing how many matches I got on them to my friends.
Online dating has always intimidated me. You literally have to decide on if you want to pursue someone based solely off their looks. Growing up I was also more chunky than fit, and just like you I was happy with just eating what I liked whenever I wanted. Now it feels so different. I constantly am aware of how I’m being perceived by others. Whenever I eat any food, I mentally count all the calories and how it will affect my body. I constantly associate my worth to my weight and how others look at me, especially in my dating life. It’s a really bad habit I am trying to break out of. I hope one day we can all feel comfortable being exactly who we are, without constantly thinking about other people and what they are thinking of us.