Somedays it feels like sickness. Bill if I’m gonna write you another letter I’ll never send I think I should get a grade for it.

Two summers ago you would have too much and yell at me with this big smile on your face. I’d get to laugh, shake my head and tell our friends I knew you’d love me, I knew we’d be the best of friends. And I was right. That autumn our friends went back to school but our classes were still online. We slowed down drinking and got real close. I loved how you listened to people, you’d get real quiet and nod your head when someone spoke. When I brought new friends over, you and I would listen to them all night long. I was just mimicking you, trying to listen like you, but when my friends left you’d tell me they were geniuses. The same way you think everyone’s a genius for something. I would drive home after a night out, curl into bed and text my partner to tell them I loved them, and then I’d text you to say thanks for listening. I told you once, that you reminded me of a science teacher we’d had way back when, who really saw people.

I remember this winter, you came back from some trip and you were brand new. You talked about philosophers you were interested in and these theories you had about the universe. I thought it was a bit ‘hippie-dippie’ but you seemed more grown and more in control, and it didn’t change how much you loved me. Some nights we’d all be hanging in your family room and you would catch my eye across the room. You’d raise your hand to your head and move your fingers in a circle to meet your thumb while mouthing the word “beautiful”. I loved it. I don’t know how to say it wasn’t romantic, but it wasn’t. I loved Bill and Bill loved me and everyone understood it, simple. We had our routine, we’d go out and have too much, or none at all, and we’d talk to each other and then everyone else and when I went home you’d text me the same every night, that you loved me and saw me or missed me already or were grateful for me, and I caught on and started sending the same love back. I needed that affirmation back then and I am still so grateful for it.

Left to Right, a gif of a man signing “beautiful”, a weirdly cropped photo of us from some night at a coffee shop by UMD, a reductress article titled “Sad! Duolingo can’t teach you to say kind things about yourself”

But Bill then something changed. I must’ve said something one night this past spring. I didn’t know what it was, I still don’t, but I have felt you slipping away ever since. 

My twin sister started coming around and we’d all joked you’d found someone else to love, although, I never thought it was that funny. You and her are great together and I know you get on even better than we did. She doesn’t listen and nod her head when other people talk like we used to. But you really like listening to her. You stopped catching my eye, and signing beautiful, at some point you stopped seeing me altogether. I still planned your birthday this past August and we all went up to Boston to see this big game. You thanked me and hugged me and sent me one of those texts for the last time the next day. You moved my sister up to our apartment here. You two started dating this last month, she was dragging her feet but I told her there was nothing to be afraid of. I told her how great I know you are.

I told you something this last summer that I’ve regretted ever since. That I loved you, more than I should, I missed you in a way that made me feel guilty, and that I knew you were pulling away. We cried that night and talked for a long time about the future of our friendship, how we’d get back on track, but I think we both understood it was a goodbye. I called you last week to call off our Halloween plans, I should’ve taken space forever ago. You told me this summer wasn’t my fault, that you had so much to explain but never got around to it. That you’re sorry and hope I haven’t been hurting all this time. I have been hurting all this time.

It’s not your fault, but I punished myself over it these last few months. I wish I’d taken my time and space sooner, that I’d been as patient with myself as I was with you. You said I can take my time and I have been. I feel better. I still wish I knew what happened, you said I’ll find out when I’m ready to see you again. I have love and confusion and sorrow for you. I feel grateful somedays and betrayed and in the dark on others. I still want things to go back to how they were, but I don’t think they can now. Regardless of how I feel day to day, here’s to me taking space and setting boundaries. Here’s to forgiving myself for things lost. Here’s to better late than never. Still, somedays it feels like sickness.