Of course when it comes to sexuality, a lot of people judge the book by its cover. Because I dress masculine according to society, a lot of people will already assume that I am lesbian or like women. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE WOMEN! That’s not the point though. My idea of my sexuality is way more complicated than the simple thoughts and identities that are put on me based on the way that I look. It’s no one’s business how complicated it is for me but it’s almost insulting how casual people can be with simplifying things like this.
100% of my sexuality is invisible, but what is also invisible with my sexuality, is the struggle of not feeling like I understand my sexuality. I know what I like, but do I know exactly what I like or don’t like? Is it even necessary to think about it in this way? I don’t know, but that’s the way I’m thinking. The unknown is unsatisfying and in this case in particular, a little uncomfortable. It’s like an itch that won’t go away. Maybe being a virgin has a lot to do with it. I know that I’m going to love women as I do now but maybe me not having deeply touched and/or been deeply touched by a woman or anybody has allowed more space for these uncertainties, thoughts, and ignorance to exist. So does this go away with experience? For some, they honestly don’t need it, but maybe I do. Thinking about this is pretty wild because that fact right there is a little unsettling. There are so many people forcing that idea onto queer people, that you have to fuck a certain gender to know that you don’t want to be with that gender. Trying to internally accept that I may need that experience with different people, different genders, makes me feel like a trader to the cause (of just knowing being enough). I know that it’s not a bad thing and that it’s okay, but damn…..
Here’s a small look into my head and what I be thinking sometimes. “Damn she fine, I want all of that.” “That boy cute, but I wouldn’t want to fuck cause I don’t like dick. At least I really don’t think I do, but it might feel really good though based on just pure sensory pleasure.” “Maybe you’re just afraid of penetration.” “Naw, I don’t think I could ever let a man be on top of me.” “All the people you have ever really liked have been girls. “You only really think about marrying, maybe having kids, and growing together with a woman.” “You was consistently making out with the same girl in daycare yo, and even though you was young I don’t think it was just on some playful shit.” “You feel like you’re falling in love with this beautiful and incredibly cool girl, and you have never felt that way about a boy. I don’t think that you ever will and that’s perfectly fine with me.”
So it’s like…um…..yeah I don’t know. I love women and maybe just women. Maybe not.
Unruly Bodies 
Your post resonated with me because I feel like superficial things really play a part in how other people come to conclusions about you without actually knowing anything about you. Like when we looked at disability studies there is a similar pressure to validate sexual identity to other people despite it being none of their business!
Your questions around your sexuality remind me a lot of when I was first coming out, and even still now. I felt so much panic around needing to know (or not being right) and I really doubted parts of myself that I knew to be true. I used to think that I couldn’t say I was gay until I had sex with a girl, which is so not true. I mean, when I first had sex I was like “Yeah! I’m such a dyke!” but that was something I already knew about myself. Sex didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. I’ve known who I am since I was a little kid.. It was my family and my community growing up that made me doubt myself. When I came out to my mom she actually said “well you’ve never been with a boy so you can’t be sure” and that was really hard to hear as a young teenager. Just remember that those messages are coming from years of systemic discomfort around queerness, they are not about you. The most valuable thing I’ve learned, and continue to learn, is to trust myself. You know what’s true about yourself more than anyone else could ever.. also sometimes labels are more of a headache than they’re worth . ❤
I think when it comes to your sexuality there is this pressure to know exactly what you are into and to stick with it once you decide. Its hard to feel what is right and what is wrong when you have so many outlets telling you different things. I think the only way you are ever going to know what you are into is to keep trying. Its ok to not know and its ok to wonder. You are the only one who knows what you like and it does not matter if it does not fit into a box that was created by society.