As a trans person, much of my existence has been spent thinking about mine and other people’s bodies. Growing up I had a pretty clear cut idea of what it meant to be a woman and what it meant to be a man. This idea was shaped largely by my conservative Christian upbringing. Even before I started my medical transition, it was apparent to me that I was built larger than most of the AFAB* people I surrounded myself with. My shoulders were broader, my chest larger, my limbs longer, and many things that I felt weren’t “womanly” enough. I spent so much of my youth trying to correct these things as if that would magically fix all of my problems. This sent me into a life long battle with my relationship towards not only my body, but also my relationship towards food. At twelve, I started to lose a lot of weight and I started counting all the calories I would eat in a day. It’s as if the numbers went down, then so did the things that made me seem more “manly”. This was around the time that I started to realize I was transgender. Turns out that eating less than 500 calories a day wouldn’t solve my body dysmorphia or my gender dysphoria. As time went on, I tried to correct these things even more. I wore dresses and makeup, I grew out my hair, and I started to act more “feminine”. After about 3 years of that, I realized how much these behaviors had made me grow to hate myself. I was not only starting to be unhealthy mentally and physically, but I was full of more self hatred than when I started. Looking back now, 4 years after I came out as transgender and accepted these parts of myself, I realize how harmful these behaviors really were. The thing about that is, I still have these thoughts almost daily. I’m in a position now where I can shut them down, but it’s still strange to me how these gendered behaviors and ideals can still coexist with my existence as a trans man. I know that trying to act more feminine won’t erase my transness, but sometimes I still wish I tried harder. I live my life now, knowing that the gender binary is a colonial ideal that really doesn’t do much but harm the individuals in our society but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about them. I love my transness and the transness of those close to me, so why do these gendered ideas still live in my head from time to time?

*AFAB = assigned female at birth