Ever since I can remember I have always known my mother was different.

My mom has bipolar disorder, which is “associated with mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs”. Which is considered neurodivergent because it is “differing in mental or neurological function from what is considered typical or normal”. I’m not sure when she was diagnosed but it was definitely before she had me at 21 (crazy to think she had two kids by the time she was the age I currently am). She said that being pregnant always worsened her bipolar because she had to stop some of her medications due to complications that could have caused the pregnancy. She has been open with me about this since I was a young child. I think this is because she could tell that I could see how at times she was a little different than the other parents and adults we were around. I’ve always been super observant. Or maybe it’s just because she sees herself so much in me.

Even with her bipolar disorder my mom always did her best to show up and be there for me no matter what, from getting me fed and ready for school to support me at all of my cheer competitions and games. But, she also has her moments. Some days she doesn’t get out of bed because of how badly her bipolar affects her. On other days she’s super irritated or upset and crying all day. Then you have the days when she is overly energetic and gets things done fast. And then there are just normal days. when I was younger It used to be hard to tell what kind of day she was going to have due to how frequently her mood changed. This caused a lot of anxiety for me because if it was a bad day for her then it was a bad day for everyone and a fight would ensue by the end of it all.

From the outside looking in, she seems neurotypical due to how well she can mask herself in public. This is due to her being raised by neurotypical parents and being taught how she should and should not act around others her whole life, which in a way worked out in her favor. On the other hand, this doesn’t help how she approaches me when I come to her with problems bout how I’m feeling. She tends to approach my feelings in a way that a person who doesn’t have or understand mental illness would, essentially brushing me off. I know she doesn’t mean to though and it takes time to break patterns and ways of thinking.

In recent years my mom has been doing a lot better mentally and health-wise and has even been able to come down a couple of doses of her medications. I think one reason for this is, is because none of us (her children) are kids anymore and she doesn’t need to worry about using so much. I know bipolar disorder is usually a lifelong thing and something that fluctuates with how bad or a good one is doing throughout the years, but here is hope for many more years of her doing better.

As I get older I start to notice more and more the way that I act resembles the way my mother acts at times due to her bipolar. I often wonder if I have a mental illness as well, (certain mental illnesses can run in the family) but I’m always too scared to go and find out. so, I just deal with it in my way. Perhaps this is why I feel that I understand her best compared to the rest of my family. Who all seem to judge her instead of truly trying to understand. It’s easier to be ignorant I suppose. At the end of the day, I truly am my mother’s child, and she is my forever best friend.

Lyrics that describe what it feels like to be just like my mother to me:

I am my mother's child, I'll love you 'til my breathing stops
I'll love you 'til you call the cops on me
- Lorde - Writer in the Dark