I think that if I had seen people like me– brown neurodivergent individuals– I wouldn’t be having such a hard time writing this. I tried writing about my experiences as a neurodivergent person, but I sounded like a poser when I read it back to myself. Like someone who’s trying too hard for attention. I tried listing out some of the experiences I have had as a neurodivergent person before backspacing almost immediately, I tried writing about how I have to watch and wait when I enter any social setting to learn how I should be behaving and talking. About how there have been so many instances in my life where I have miscalculated and said/done the wrong thing when I was so sure that that was the expected response. About how, for the longest time, I had a running list of rules in my head, all of them pertaining to social interactions. Little scripts for me to follow in any possible conversation or confrontation.
But, even now, listing all of that out makes me think that I’ve lived the life of the average individual. There’s nothing actually significant about any of what I’ve listed. A part of me KNOWS that this isn’t true, based on accounts from other neurodivergent individuals who have said the same thing. But, a bigger part of me is actually kind of nervous to post this. I know that I’m neurodivergent, but am I really? If someone asked me to demonstrate the ways that I am, I don’t know that I could. Or at least, that I could in a way that would really prove to them who I am.
I think it’s hard for me to really believe that I am neurodivergent. Unfortunately, at this time, I don’t have the resources to pursue a diagnosis. A diagnosis that would be an incredibly grueling process for me, someone who is afab and a person of color. If I had known earlier on that someone like me could be neurodivergent, I don’t think all these doubts about my own validity would be swimming in my mind.
Unruly Bodies 
This is so real!! I feel like I’m in the same boat because in my family mental illness isn’t like, acknowledged at all but I believe that our family should pursue therapy and it would help them a lot but they don’t think the mind is something that can have these ailments that we typically ascribe to physical bodies. I also think that I’m neurodivergent because it feels like there’s no way people just… live like this mentally.
I hope one day you’ll be able to pursue an examination.
I totally get what you mean, like there’s no way EVERYONE has constant stomachaches due to anxiety. Or other times I’ll have a moment where I realize that everyone else can do something that I can’t, like know how much time has passed or let the seams of their t-shirt touch them, and I re-realize that I’m neurodivergent
I think the constant self-questioning you’re experiencing is a reflection of something else. I really do not think you should question yourself so much. I know its easier said than done, but just remember. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone!
Thank you! I’ve gotten better about it over the years, but sometimes I have a relapse of sorts, like anyone would.
I totally feel you author! Sometimes I have these out of body experiences where reality feels fake and everything seems a little too realistic. I become a little too conscious of my surroundings to the point where I induce my own panic attacks. I would pursue a diagnosis because I would love to find out why I behave the way I do, it’s just, like you said, when I’m asked to explain certain quirks in my behavior, they’re hard to pinpoint and explain. I feel like they all could be simplified to just normal fidgeting habits. Also, when you pointed out how you have these “little scripts” in the back of your head, I absolutely can relate with that. Multitasking by trying to feel the vibe of the conversation, analysing the general response of participants, and trying to find a good sweet spot to jump in is so tedious. I get so entangled with the dos and don’ts that I end up not saying anything at all and therefore being labeled “shy” or “quiet” when in actuality I had a lot to share, but I was too preoccupied with trying to follow social conventions.
I know how frustrating the strategizing mid-conversation thing is, and I’m glad I have friends where I can just talk freely and not have to worry about it as much. I hope you have friends like that too!