Being a people pleaser is exhausting. Thank God therapy definitely helped me realize this because I cared a little bit too much about other people. As the only child my life has been centered around making sure everything I do keeps my parents happy. I get good grades. My parents are happy. They stay off my case and don’t egg on my anxiety as much. The problem with this little system I started is that I subconsciously started applying it to every human encounter in my life. The less of an inconvenience I was to others the better. The happier and more pleased I made sure sure to keep people around me then I “believed” that my life would be much easier. I catered to everyone’s emotions and let me tell you this resulted in me picking up little pieces of emotional baggage everywhere I went. What I thought was making the world a better place was really draining the life out of me. This is why I am the best, but I also the worst in customer service jobs. The best because I always want to make sure the customer is happy and satisfied and I can keep situations under control. The worst because sometimes I just need to grow a backbone and stand up for myself. Being so understanding is so exhausting and I now make conscious efforts to be a little bit selfish. It’s still a work in progress.
Unruly Bodies 
Your first sentence basically just summed up how I’m always feeling. It is genuinely so exhausting always put other people ahead of me and care so much about what they think. I don’t even think I remember the last time I put my own needs in front of someone else’s. I’m always minimizing what I need so it doesn’t seem like I’m ignoring myself when I put others ahead of me. And even though I know that I have a problem with people pleasing, it’s so hard to actually fix it. I’m glad to see that you’re learning to be more selfish and I know it’s hard, but the outcome will (hopefully) be worth it!
I feel what you feel still all the time, and as you said it’s still a work in progress. I also like getting academic validation which leads to more stress and effort I put onto myself that isn’t always necessary. I try to not jump to my automatic people pleasing response and really stop and reflect before acting. I get told I am a more emotional thinker rather than a logical thinker and some see that as good and others, more so my family, see that as a bad attribute. I’ve recently learned it’s okay to think emotionally and wear how I feel on my sleeve especially around people I trust. Acting selflessly is a great trait but now I try to think of myself first before acting.
So I also went on a journey of self improvement to stop being a people pleaser. And it worked halfway, until instead of standing up for myself and COMMUNICATING what I thought or wanted in my relationships/friendships, I started to avoid certain people all together. Which was a good temporary fix, but now I have two things to unlearn haha
I struggle myself with being a people pleaser, but I am slowly learning that although it is seen as a bad trait, I whole heartedly believe that being selfish is completely healthy. Consider yourself first and it might sound bad, but your peace should come first.
I find it really hard to say no to going out even if I am emotionally and physically drained. I also have this obsession with time management and seeing how many things I can get done and planning all of the events so that I don’t have to tell anyone no. I think the hardest part aside from saying no to people, is figuring out what you actually want to do. AND not feeling guilty for it. I think over time it will get easier.
I don’t think I have read anything I could agree with more in a long time. My household was one of two children, me and my older sister. To our parents, she was rebellious and troublesome, but to me she was just living her life and focusing on herself. Nothing was wrong with that, but my parents looked at me and essentially convinced me that I shouldn’t be like that, that a “better” me is one that is helping make others lives easier even when I am sacrificing something to do it. It took way too long for me to realize that that is just not something just anyone could do and that I am not someone who could carry the blows for all those around me, I still try to help out where I can, I just don’t go to the unhealthy level of selling off some part of me to do it.
I am also a major people pleaser. I just had a group project to do and none of my team members did their part. I had to do it alone with a little help from them. I lost my mind because I was so overwhelmed. My teacher told me I need to learn to stand up for myself because if I don’t then this will continue happening in later years. I may not have a therapist to help me with my people pleasing habits but at least I had great teachers. May we both find a way to stop this unhealthy trait and find a way to feel good about it.
For so long, all I’ve cared about is making people like me, all throughout middle school and high school I would become friends with everyone who was nice to me and then allow them to walk all over me. During the pandemic, I really allowed myself to think deeply about these friendships and if they were healthy for me and I realized a majority of them were not. I think sometimes we’ll realize we’re people pleasers and won’t do anything to change it because we don’t want to hurt others but it’s very damaging to our own self worth and confidence. As I continue to navigate through life, I hope I can unlearn this behavior and become happier and healthier.