Ah, to be a woman. Where do I even begin? I read a text for class about embodiment and the author made the point that women’s bodies are a burden in that women have to put up with monthly menstrual cycles, hormones, pregnancy and labor, menopause and so on. That doesn’t even address the societal issues women face just by being women. Having periods and experiencing menopause can’t be helped. From walking down the street to walking around a college campus, women constantly have to practice caution and must always be aware of our surroundings. That in itself is another burden of being a woman. Please, don’t get me wrong– I am glad and proud to be a woman, I’m just tired of living in constant fear of being sexually assaulted… again.
In addition to the aforementioned biological burdens, I also feel my very body is itself a burden. I hate my body. For too long have I hated catching glimpses of myself in the mirror. There is no such thing as thin enough. So what do I do? I refrain from eating. If you don’t eat, you can’t gain weight, right? Don’t eat all day so you can “deserve” dinner, exercise every single day, go for long walks, and when necessary, take laxatives when the number on the scale just won’t go down. For a couple of years, I would stick my fingers down my throat but I wasn’t seeing the results I was hoping for. So I started to deprive myself of soda and sweets; I couldn’t tell you the last time I drank a soda. I always decline cake when offered but I do so in a very polite way so as not to offend. I check myself in the mirror several times a day: before I eat, after I eat, when I’m exercising, before I shower. I weigh myself twice a day, which I’m told is excessive. Even when I’m not physically doing things or refraining from doing things for that matter, the thoughts are ever present. Can I eat this and not hate myself tomorrow morning? How many calories? Don’t do it, you will end up angry at yourself. This is what I say to myself all the time. I often restrict myself to 500 calories a day. It is mentally draining to constantly be nagging yourself, if I eat this, I can’t eat that. When I get my period, I get bloated and gain weight and as a result, I cry and panic.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I do what I do? I don’t know…most likely because I feel it’s the one thing in my life I can control. That’s what the doctors say. All women have the same struggles and frustrations of having to look at how women are portrayed in the media, how women are “supposed to look.” We see it in magazines, on television, in films, we read about it in books. This doesn’t help anyone. Know that much of it is fake, photoshopped. Alright, let me wrap this up. In short, don’t starve yourself. Don’t stick your fingers down your throat, you’ll only rupture your stomach doing that. Healing from a disorder like this takes time and patience.
Getting an official diagnosis gave me something to call it, which was a good thing I suppose. There were times when I really thought I was going crazy, actually losing my mind. I love to perform on stage in plays and musicals. I always made sure to be as thin as I could before the curtain went up. This of course meant laxatives and anything else that would do the trick. I am ambivalent. On one hand, I’d love to not obsess over food and weight every second of the day. On the other hand, I want to be thin and I can never seem to attain it. It’s never enough. As an adult, the lowest I have weighed is 87 lbs. I freak out and panic if my weight is over 93 lbs. Like I said, it is a gradual healing process and it only works if you want it to and truth be told, I’m not sure if I’m ready.
Unruly Bodies 
I want to start off by saying thank you for sharing your story, and that is is one that is very valid. I can deeply relate to your story and I know many men and women can also.
I want to bring another perspective when talking about eating disorders. One that focuses on one of the major roots of it. One that has generations of mothers and fathers and overall society (in the U.S.) to project their insecurities/hatred onto children: White patriarchy. It is has been so embedded throughout history that women need to look “feminine”. Feminine as in petite, short, skinny, and curvy. bothing more and nothing less. A physic that is unrealistic for a plethora of reasons such as race, age, genetics, and simply bering human. Men throughout the history of the U.S. have also had to play the roles of a provider. Being the strong, big, muscular, tall breadwinner. in turn, It has pushed the narrative that a women that fulfills anything within that description is “too masculine”, “too fat”, “too big”, “too” whatever is not enough. But dont be TOO skinny. You have to have some boob or some butt or you “look like a boy”.
It fucking exhausting. To say the least. It demonstrates the power social constructs truly have within society which are implemented in literally every single thing. Even unconsciously. And until it is recognized at mass levels, change will be very hard to achieve (no matter how badly it needs to be changed).
I have also struggled with my relationship with food in the past, and like you said, it is very hard to get out of it. It is stopping your whole way of thinking and changing the way you look at your body. When I was younger, it was to the point where I would cry as I was forced to eat a slice of chocolate cake by my parents. And the reason why I started to restrict my eating was because my mother asked me to watch what I eat and lose weight, but sadly that was also when I started liking a boy and I wanted to be thin for him as well. I did not want my weight to “crush him,” and I didn’t want to be the biggest person out of my friends. I did eventually stop, but it was something that was very hard for me to adjust to when, like you brought up, the “perfect body” is shown everywhere in media.
This resonated with me for a reason that I didn’t even know I had before.
I stopped identifying as a woman over half a decade ago, and that helped me distance myself from the expectations placed on women, like the requirement to be skinny. Don’t get me wrong, I rejected them before, but not identifying as a woman does take off a lot of the expectations and pressure. And I’ve had problems with eating relatively recently, but it was actually for the opposite reason
Sometimes, eating is hard, even if you want to. I, and many other people, can’t eat when they’re stressed. This all came to a head when I had a massive anxiety attack, which left me unable to eat properly for a while. In one month I went from 155 lbs to 135 lbs. It didn’t matter that I knew I needed food, physically I just couldn’t eat because of the stress. I never wanted to lose weight, it happened for reasons outside of my control. I was fortunate enough to have a good doctor, who helped me get a diagnosis and treatment for a digestive disease that I never knew I had. I still haven’t gained back the weight I lost, even though I want to. And again, I’ve never been pressured by society to be skinny.
I wanted to say all of this because a lot of the time, people talk about eating disorders in the context of societal expectations, and those are extremely important to discuss and address. But even if the expectations aren’t there, dealing with weight issues is hard. And that’s okay, it’s not supposed to be easy, because the body is weird and way more complex that most people (and even some doctors) give it credit for.
Ah, being a woman is definitely… an experience to say the least. Like I couldn’t possibly put it into words, it just is. I know from experience that disordered eating is a vicious crippling cycle so I hope you know you were not crazy for having these thoughts about food. I related completely to when you said you wouldn’t eat all day so you can “deserve” dinner and excessive exercise to compromise for eating more than you “should”. Yup, you put it best, it is exhausting. It’s all-time consuming and diminishes the quality of life completely. I am glad to hear that you are on your healing journey. In all honesty, we deserve to eat cake.