Am I really a girl? I sometimes feel like a boy? Am I trans or just nonbinary? Or do I just simply feel more masculine inside and uncomfortable associating it with my feminine appearance?

Since embracing my queerness and discovering different aspects of my sexuality and gender, I have learned more about myself and society as a whole. Despite my parents’ hopes, dreams, and attempts, I am undoubtedly a lesbian, albeit a very feminine one. I feel completely comfortable and confident in my femininity. I enjoy having long and glittery nails, voluminous lashes, and dedicating hours and considerable expense to perfecting my makeup. However, alongside this comfort in my femininity, I also experience confusion about my masculinity due to the societal constructs surrounding gender. Gender norms for both men and women are deeply ingrained in our culture, and everything we do seems to involve some recognition of someone’s gender. I continually struggle to find my place within these constructs.

For most of my childhood, I was constantly given the label of a “tomboy”. I can still hear my mom’s voice yelling at me for wearing slacks and a shirt to a nice restaurant instead of putting on a dress. I constantly fit that label until one day, I just didn’t anymore. I can’t recall why, but I know a big part of it was feeling out of place around my peers and other girls that I was surrounded by. I became so immersed in makeup, pink, nails, hair, and everything “girly”. I finally fit that label of a girl. I felt deserving of that description. I did come to fall in love with it, but as I’ve grown up, I have come to recognize that with it, I have completely disregarded the part of me that was fulfilled with masculinity. The part of me inside that felt hot in a button-down and slacks. The part of me that wanted my hair cut really short and a sleeve of tattoos.

So, while taking this class, among other philosophy and gender study classes, I have become more comfortable exploring that discomfort. Recognizing the systemic factors that play into my feelings about my gender and the self-expression of those feelings has opened my eyes. It allows me to not only slowly recognize and break away from the constructed “masculine” and “feminine” roles pushed among individuals within society but also recognizes that everyone has both. Everyone experiences them at different degrees and finds different ways, but everyone experiences both. And there is no need to fit oneself into one or the other. Not one box will fit at all times, and that is OKAY. Some people might recognize both sides and discover they are trans or non-binary. Others might just recognize that they conform to their assigned gender at birth best. Others (like myself) might just not know and still be trying to figure it out. No matter what the case is, it’s okay. By the end of it, does it TRULY matter since it is just a social construct? I don’t know, but it’s starting to really not seem like it in the grand scheme of things when taking society out of it.