I’m a trans man. I’m pretty open about this, largely because I’ve found interacting with anyone who thinks less of me for being transgender a waste of time anyways. And yet in any social scenario where I am misgendered- or even feel that I may be- I find myself obsessing over whether I “pass” for a cisgender guy, analyzing everything from my sitting position, to how I walk, to my vocal characteristics. Am I absentmindedly crossing my legs? Am I swaying my hips or portraying timid, feminine-coded movements? Is my voice going up too high in excitement?- These questions become semi-constant intrusions made all the more irritating by the fact that I genuinely don’t care. Or at least, I wouldn’t in an ideal world. For myself and several of my other transgender friends, the social aspect of dysphoria can particularly be difficult to manage. Even if you are feeling comfortable in your own skin, any stranger or acquaintance misgendering you can take away any confidence in an instant, with seemingly no set criteria for their gendered perceptions. Working in retail can especially give this effect- I’ve had experiences where one customer would call me “babygirl” while the next in line would address me as “sir”.

For people that don’t entirely fit in a clear gender-conforming box, we often have to over-rely on performances that feel stereotypically masculine. I’ve made a habit of manspreading when physically possible and not obstructing other’s seating. I often focus on having a confident, wide stride, especially since I’m not as tall as most cis men. In many ways, I’ve tried to unlearn gender norms that were thrust on me because I grew up as a girl. And yet, I resent having to do so- by reversing the stereotypes I adhere to, I’m just placing myself in a different state of immanence and enforcing traditional gender norms. While being seen as masculine is euphoric, performing stereotypical heterosexual masculinity can be exhausting. Sometimes, you simply want to exist. And because I am lucky enough to have mainly transgender and queer friends, I am able to have a space for existing without the burden of outside judgement. But being able to transcend beyond the roles placed early on in life and the roles you are forced to conform to is a continual process, and one that may take a lifetime. Even so, I find it a journey worth taking, especially if my experiences allow me to help others around me. The more of us are able to think critically about gendered behaviors, the more these expectations can be challenged and dismantled.