After spending a large majority of my life as a girl before not identifying as one, my relationship with my femininity is… difficult, to say the least. I was always told to “close my legs”, that I needed to shave my legs if I wanted to wear shorts outdoors. I was always expected to wear a dress for formal events, to have a quieter laugh that was more “ladylike”. I never understood why I had to do these things; what was so bad about my laugh? What was wrong about the hair on my legs? Maybe as a way to avoid these expectations that I didn’t understand, I ended up not being interested in the usual “feminine” things. I never wore makeup, never gained an interest in fashion, never got into those cheesy chick flicks that my mom liked watching. I didn’t really care about my physical appearance, and my interests were more on the nerdy side of video games or books that weren’t easily gendered hobbies.

Now, ever since I’ve come out to myself and others as nonbinary, my connection to “womanhood” doesn’t feel so alienating. I no longer feel discomfort for dressing more feminine or liking girly things. Pink is still my favorite color, just with the added pastel blue. I still like cute things like cats and plushies. My interests still fall on the nerdy side of course, but I feel more free to express who I am, despite my rough relationship with femininity. I can take up space differently without the “shackles” of womanhood, nor do I feel like I am reduced to being simply a “girl”. Of course, being a woman isn’t bad in any way; however, for me, my gender identity is a way for me to be myself, wholly and unconditionally. It’s a way for me to display my femininity on my own terms, rather than what society has told me it should be.