There’s a callus on my elbow I hide all the time, I’m always wearing long sleeves or something that covers my upper arm because it makes me super self-conscious, since the skin is all dark and dry (no matter how much I moisturize and exfoliate). I noticed it one day after coming home from work, I was putting on my pajamas when my mom walked in and in the most aghast tone possible, she asked “What’s wrong with your arm?!” I looked at myself in the mirror and almost started bawling because I had a huge dark, scaly, dry callus on my elbow; I immediately freaked out “WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?! WHAT DO I DO!?” Now, I will always be honest and true to myself, so please respect my acknowledgment that I am EXTREMELY vain, this was a huge blow to my self-image, I’M SUPPOSED TO BE SMOOTH AND PINK AROUND THE EDGES; like a goddamn water-color painting (the unrealistic expectation of my appearance is a conversation for a different post)! After examining the area for a minute with my mom she came to the conclusion that I got it from work, from wearing long sleeves every day due to the dress code (scrubs and such) and the position I was sitting while at my desk taking calls (leaning on the chair arms to be closer to the phone), and that revelation was…super annoying. I do a lot to take care of myself and this job supplemented my habits…but now was it the cause for me to buy MORE self-care bullshit? And not only that, now I had something else I wanted to hide other than my dark circles, slight weight loss, and stress acne…. ALL FROM THE SAME SOURCE! That’s when I started to think “If anyone outside of work sees me, they better pretend they didn’t, this isn’t who I am” and remembering that thought process, we end up at this little post because why is it so often that we have to separate ourselves into something we’re not in order to achieve monetary gain?

        I think I have the patience of a protestant christian GOD, because the way I don’t hang up on every rude parent that calls the office, it’s actually astounding. For context, I work in the health care industry, so that means I’m in a strange in between of knowing how these people feel but also…I’m part of the WORST system in country. So, you’re lowkey screwed if you talk to me, BUT THAT’S NOT MY FAULT! It’s really hard being on the phone with so many upset parents who just want to help their kids, who resort to insulting me and my workplace, only for me to have to follow a script. I have to disconnect, I have to put my anger, sadness, compassion aside in order to get through hours’ worth of calls or else I’d be getting a lot of complaints. It’s especially hard to do this when I’m a super emotional person outside of work, I cry at everything and get really loud when I’m excited, but I got to hold my tongue and watch what I say when I’m talking to a Mama Bear on line 3. It’s kind of fucked up, I’m a not machine and I was hired for my “personality” according to my last employee evaluation, so why am I being forced to suppress myself this way? It’s such a redundant question because I know why things are this way, it’s a system that sucks the energy of the lesser in order to feed the people on top, capitalist vampires. I’ve sacrificed my emotional well-being, over-worked my physical capabilities, and all for what? So that I can go to a sale at Victoria Secret every once in a while, AND ONLY when there’s a sale?

      I don’t get enough for what I give, nobody ever does, because we’re at the bottom. We can be pushed around, sexually harassed, thrown out like yesterday’s news for whatever reason just because someone in power wants to! They don’t see you for who you are, they see you for what they can take from you, like a demon possessing a body. Here’s a little side tangent story, my mom works at a little grocery store for some extra money, and they recently had a new hire for management. She said he was a handsome young black man, very capable and super polite, he was really good at his job, and everyone liked him despite only just starting there. Well, he got fired the other day. You’re probably rolling your eyes thinking “of course he did” but hold on! Let me tell you why! My man got fired because he was filling up his water bottle…. yeah. Apparently, it was considered “robbery” and they kicked him to the curb. LITERALLY MAKE THAT MAKE SENSE?? IT WAS LITERALLY TAP WATER Y’ALL! My mom continued her story by saying she thinks the head manager (the dude who fired the young guy) didn’t like how much they were paying the new hire, so they decided to fire him for that arbitrary reason, just so they can hire someone else for less. That’s totally illegal, mind you, and the guy can definitely sue…but is it worth it? Would you go through the trouble? You’re probably making a face and thinking “I have enough on my plate, I’d just go somewhere else”, because honestly who has time for that nonsense? But getting back on topic, they didn’t see the guy for what he was worth or how he was improving the work environment, they saw numbers they didn’t like and did cut out what they thought the reason; even if it meant leaving this man without a source of income. Boils my blood, honestly.

         There really wasn’t much of a structure to this post, but labor takes away more than what’s humanly reasonable, than what’s humane. It doesn’t end once you clock out, you carry the burden with you for the rest of the day, you feel used up and tired, you look decayed and have scars on your skin; work just consumes people. There isn’t much else in life because of the cycle that’s been created in our society, you work day in and day out and a lot of people can’t afford the luxury of rest because it’s time that’s being wasted! Money, money, money. That’s all anyone ever needs today. That’s all we can receive because nothing else is substantial. Thank you, capitalism! Thank you, consumerism; you really know how to make a body happy. If you ever happen to see me at work, looking dead inside and ready to jump off the building, that isn’t me. That’s a shell of who I am, just pretend you didn’t see me, alright?