As a woman, growing up you were most likely taught to be careful with your body. Don’t be promiscuous, be weary around boys/men, don’t let anyone touch you, etc… Despite any precautions or teachings, lectures don’t keep us from whatever we will experience in life (good and bad). Sooner or later our bodies are experimented with, picked, prodded, poked.. if you will.

Now that the time has passed, I look back at times that I treated my body as if I did not occupy it. For the lack of a better way to say it, I fucked around and found out. Once I found out that my body could in fact reproduce, I was in such a bad mental state I laughed it off because I already knew what I was going to have to do. My recklessness had caught up to me and I didn’t care because duh, I was being stupid of course this would be the outcome…

Since no one knows who I littleham2 is I guess I can announce without shame or guilt that I had an abortion when I was 17. I was In an emotionally abusive relationship and he got me pregnant. Although I knew the logical thing was to get an abortion, going through with it was very hard because I had no support whatsoever. My mom is very catholic, so I did it behind her back and I knew my older sisters would be disappointed so I also kept it from them. I was ashamed and guilty, I still feel disgusted sometimes.

Regardless, it goes without saying that I do not regret the decision I was able to make on my own as a minor. Without my autonomy, without that 6 week and 2 day period of secrecy my life would not be what it is today. I wouldn’t have left my ex, I wouldn’t be in school right now, and I know for a fact I would not be happier than I am now. I would be a stereotype in society. A poor hispanic teen mom with a shitty baby daddy. Plus that baby probably would’ve been ug*y. I try to keep a lighthearted mindset about this experience– at least when I talk about it to others because I don’t want others to pity me or look at me differently. I am not proud of it either, but I will never regret it. I am in charge of my body, yes this is true, but I wish I didn’t have to worry about it in the degree that I do. It is so cruel to say that I wish I couldn’t have children. I would love to hand someone my perfectly working womb for free if it were possible.

I have been on two types of birth control since my abortion. First the pill, now I’ve had an IUD for almost a year. Despite all the stupid side effects, modern medicine is crazy. I’m like 99.99999% protected, but I am paranoid. I don’t get my period due to my IUD which is beautiful, but this also makes me worry. I think a lot of us have heard horror stories of IUD babies and cryptic pregnancies. I DO NOT NEED THAT!

I am scared of getting pregnant again because I know that I will have access to an abortion which is something I have the privilege to say. Not that there’s anything wrong with easy access to medical abortions, I simply don’t think I could handle the experience twice. Girls all around in underdeveloped countries don’t get to have the autonomy a lot of us in the U.S have. Did you know the youngest recorded mother was 5 years old? That makes me want to curl up in my moms arms and cry. How could a baby possibly want to be a mother?!

There are a lot of mother’s in society that wish to not be mothers anymore. There are also some shitty one’s that simply don’t deserve to be mothers. We cannot forget the ones that are taken advantage of and denied a choice. Motherhood terrifies me. I don’t think I’m strong enough, I am loving, but my patience is thin, and my anger burns bridges. I am not strong enough to do what my mom did for me and my sisters. I am not as strong as the mother’s in my family.

Full-blown autonomy is important. Societal, cultural, and religious pressures are all factors that affect the decisions we make or don’t make for our own bodies. It’s the reason most of us don’t openly talk about our sex-lives and the reason why we might feel shame for wanting pleasure. We’re not supposed to talk about what are bodies can do, it’s shameful and can make you look “easy.” Women are supposed to control their sexuality until it is requested and young girls are supposed to remain naïve, pure, and untouched.

Society is fucked, so today I will pray for the women and girls of the world. For their autonomy and bodily rights. For the moms trapped in abusive relationships. For the women and girls with intellectual disabilities that are treated as asexual beings. For the asexual women and girls who are over-sexualized For the women and girls with crippling anxiety about motherhood and pregnancy. Even for the crappy moms, so that they can find the resources they need to face their reality.