for the past 3 weeks or so I have been attending a weekly catechism class to complete my confirmation, whatever that even is. I was raised Catholic so i know some of the basics, i mean i’m baptized and i did my first communion and i went to church every sunday and on holidays, but that was like 10 years ago i don’t go to church anymore and i rarely pray anymore. My personal beliefs, morals, and sexuality have been victims of the catholic church and it feels alienating to be back at the church I grew up in just so I can be my nephews godmother once he inevitably gets baptised and most likely gets put through sunday school just like i was. My mom has gotten way more religious in the last ten years, so she’s involved in everything catholicism. I am bisexual, fat, pierced, awkward, and my spanish has gotten worse and these are spanish catechism classes. A lot of the “students” are people my moms age or a few years older than me, I get a lot of stares and I feel like the teacher targets me and acts passive aggressive towards me because she somehow knows based on my embodiment that I am out of place.

Anyway that’s just some backstory, this past monday we ended up talking about children and how some people in the mass get annoyed when parents bring their loud kids to sit with them in the pews instead of staying in the blocked off “lobby” area where parents are encouraged to take their children when they start acting up. A young woman who has a son with autism spoke up and asked “what about parents who have children with autism? how do i get my son to become more involved with the church?” She also added that he is hard of hearing and they communicate through ASL. This mother seemed almost desperate for an answer, I felt sorry for her because I could tell that she struggles with her sons disabilities. The teacher said something along the lines of pray to god for guidance and teach your son how to properly behave in certain settings, in this case when attending sunday mass. This was not the answer the mother wanted because she then reiterated her question in hopes of getting a better more concise answer. The teacher, realizing maybe she came off in a bad said that she understands the struggle because she too has family members with autism who, by repetitive action/instruction, are “by the grace of god” able to participate in religion as would a “normal” person. Her response still rubbed me in the wrong way, she made it sound like you can pray autism away, that it’s just another thing to beg god to make better. There is a weird thing that happens in some hispanic households in which parents will either ignore or deny that there are certain behaviors in their child that raise certain flags. Usually due to pride, autism is seen as a punishment, extra work, and extra sacrifice. At least this is how i’ve come to understand autism from the perspective of people who oftentimes come from developing countries where ASD isn’t *diagnosed as often. Keyword diagnosed because it is definitely still prevalent, parents just don’t take their kids to the pediatrician as often like they do here in the U.S.

I can recognize that faith in whichever way plays a large role in people’s quality of life, but idk catholicism is strange and having been away from religion for so long, some of what is discussed and believed feels so extremist to me. We are all part of one body, we are the church of god, in order to be saved we must spread the “truth” whatever the fuck that fucking means. The other day this teacher woman said that yoga is bad!!!!!!! because the movements are based in prayer/meditation that is centered in the self and not in god which is SINFUL!!!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!?!?!?!? my nephew is lucky I love him enough to put myself through these weekly classes until literally NEXT SPRING!!!! I’m only doing it for the title of godmother and for the love of my nephew.