Anxiety sucks. Depression sucks. There’s really no way around that. No way to spin it. “bUt AnXieTy iS jUsT TRyinG tO kEep yOu aLiVe” shut up, stop it, it definitely is not. I’ve gotten treatment, seen a therapist to help my mental health issues, so I feel a lot better now than before all that. But even still, there are times where my anxiety and depression just come back full swing. Sometimes something happens: a fight with a friend, parents getting divorced, etc. But other times? It all just happens without reason. I will be sitting in my dorm having a pleasant day, when all of a sudden I am just hit with a wave of “nothing matters, why do anything at all”, which will usually define how I feel for the next week or two or three. Sometimes I will be laying in my bed after having a very nice day, when suddenly my mind decides to remind me that I will die someday, that I will die tomorrow, that I will die in ten minutes. I can’t argue because if I end up thinking about it for too long I give myself a panic attack, so I just lie there trying to think of anything else. I’ve gotten to the point where I can manage this anxiety fairly well. I can distract myself, or do exercises to calm myself down. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish I could just be myself. Why me?
It is infuriating that I just spiral so easily. That I can be so fucking happy one minute, and in the next I can hardly breathe. That I cannot just go through my day unbothered anymore and enjoy myself. Before I developed anxiety everything was so peaceful. I need not worry about death, about what others are thinking of me at every second of every day. I used to have hope that I could “conquer” my anxiety. I do not have that hope anymore. I know now that I just need to live with it. To co-exist and to just deal. I can’t help but feel jealous of those who do not have to deal with what I do. Something close to 40% of adults suffer from anxiety or depression, so I am certainly part of a community. But that means that around 60% of adults just do not have symptoms of anxiety and depression? That absolutely blows my mind. I’ve talked with friends about what I have gone through and they cannot relate at all. I am jealous of their… innocence I guess. I cannot even fathom not feeling the way I do, and I feel like a great injustice has been put on me. Why me?
The only positive thing that I can get out of all of this is that I am better than I used to be. That I am in a better space now, and I can manage my feeling much more effectively than before, including feelings other than anxiety and depression. And yet I still can’t help but ask the question: why me?
Unruly Bodies 
As someone with similar struggles who has also gotten therapy and been on medication I see u and I hear u. Anxiety is hell and it doesn’t help when it’s paired with depression. It’s no fun being on go mode all the time, I want to be able to feel the muscles in my neck and back to finally stop tensing, I want the intrusive thoughts to stop. Since I stopped therapy and went off my medication, of course I am grateful for the growth and the ability to understand what’s rational and what is not, but it’s scary to still spiral and do bad. Sometimes I feel like i’m right back to where I first started. hugs to u, I know how hard it gets
I completely understand this struggle. One day you’re happy and carefree and the next day everything just feels so unsettling. It’s so stressful because it feels like you have no control over it. It’s like you know it’s going to come again but you just don’t know when. Meditation helps but it’s not a permanent solution. I just take it day by day and try to remember that I’m not alone and that many people around the world are experiencing the same thing.