The last couple weeks have been a journey to say the least. My meds started to kick in, the depression is not as horrible, but now I feel so guilty and worthless that I pretty much failed this semester. I loved this class, yet I missed so many classes and let the missing assignments pile up. I thought I could be better. I thought I was better than this. Because of my parents, I tend to keep school stuff to myself out of fear of being yelled at or specific reactions because it bring me to a very negative mental space, and I do not think remembering and feeling that again is going to do anything but harm. Due to this, I have an extremely hard time accepting help out of fear of judgement and failure. Because to my parents, at least the way I interpret it is that I am a failure until I get a degree. Do I know thats not true? Deep down, yes, but its still something that weighs on me most I had no chance to morn the losses though, I had too much going on, and I honestly don’t think I wanted to sit with those emotions. I do that alot, I just make a joke about it, and keep going. Im in survival mode and working in therapy to try to work on the things that put me in survival mode and it is hitting nerves I didn’t know existed. It is terrifying. I am more traumatized than I thought and have way less control over my own emotions than I thought. I hate that, I like having control, I like being able to turn off my emotions and shove them down, to not remember the bodies and hands that have forced themselves on me, or the mouths that have screamed at me so loud the neighbors could hear, or the insults that brought me to my room sobbing alone for hours. I do not want to remember those times, to re feel that pain that I worked so hard to mask and shove down, but I have to. I have to because I have a boyfriend and I wanted to enjoy things with him, I have to because Im tired of feeling worthless each time I walk into my childhood bedroom, I have to so I don’t keep allowing abusive people in my life. I have to because I want to thrive, not just survive. But then the question, am I capable of thriving? Ive only survived my whole life, I am so sure and so unsure at the same time that it needs to happen now. I cannot continue with my brain this distorted, if I want to help people for a living, I must help myself first. So I have to ask myself how bad I want it, do determine how capable I am of thriving in this life.
Unruly Bodies 
I know how you feel and I wish only good things to happen and peace in your future. I too, have been struggling with the fragments of my childhood and icky trauma. I used to live my life blanketed until memories started flooding back about a year or two ago, around the time I got off my meds. I hate that it hits you out of nowhere and then just keeps coming back for more from every angle. I feel stuck and I feel scared. Scared that I’m pursuing the wrong degree, scared that I won’t ever feel passion for life, scared that i’m gonna fail and let ppl down in every way possible.
it’s hard out here, but i know there are good things to come– for the both of us. ❤️
Hello,
Please know that you’re not worthless by any means. You are a human being, trying your best to make it in this crazy world. That’s no easy feat, especially at such a young age when we have no clue what we are doing or what we are supposed to be doing. It is crucial to surround yourself with people who will love and support you unconditionally. I don’t think anyone could blame you for feeling the way you do, we have all at some point felt that way, that we suck, that we aren’t enough and we should just give up. Those are very real feelings. I think it’s fair to say we have all lied to our parents or avoided their questions about our grades and assignments so as to avoid any confrontation that may come of it. We will deal with it ourselves, we tell ourselves, we are adults and we will figure it out, no? We are and we will but friends, professors (the good ones) want to see us succeed. We are allowed to say we don’t know, we are allowed to want to give up but what matters is not actually giving up.
One semester, after COVID struck, I had to drop almost all my classes because I had no motivation at all and I couldn’t think straight. I finished one class that semester. COVID threw a lot of us off and we are still recovering.
You’re not worthless, you’re a human whose life is valuable.
I know its difficult to keep going when you feel like there’s so much negative around you. I also know its hard to accept help even when you need it, but sometimes asking for help can put you in a better place because then you know you’re not alone. you’re not a failure, and I definitely think you are capable because we’re all capable. But we are also all human, we all go threw waves of emotion and sometimes its so overwhelming that its debilitating. I hope that during this winter break that your able to take some time to yourself and just give yourself some grace. find someone that you can confide in and really try to give it your all next semester, maybe try a planner and some form of study method. even 1 hour a day makes a huge difference. Wishing you well on your upcoming exams. xoxo
I wish I didnt know how you feel but I do and im here to tell you as frustrating as that type of life experience is I take comfort in knowing that so many others are experiencing this too. While it doesn’t help the actual emotions of failure you feel it is somewhat reassuring to know that despite thinking I’m alone in my struggle I’m not. The level of burnout you talked about mixed with the disapproval from your parenthood should be studied because I feel as though this combination re-instills the feeling of being worthless. In reality, its almost the opposite, the strength it takes to come to class for more than 3 classes in a row should be celebrated, the fact that you got some assignments in should be rewarded. If not from anyone but yourself because only you know how hard it was for you to do that. You are extremely capable, the way you can vocalize your emotions and accept help from others already puts you ahead of so many others.
I know how you feel and I know that it is difficult. You are not worthless by any means. We as humans go through many emotions in life and I believe everyone experiences the negative ones, which I feel is more prominent than the rest. I’ve felt hopeless this semester and wanted to just disappear. I am scared of failing because that would ultimately sadden and disappoint my family as a whole. I hope you can find people who truly appreciate for who you are and support you throughout your journey. I wish you the best of luck on your upcoming exams!
I know how difficult it can be to control your own emotions and sometimes they can take full control of our entire lives. This also happens to me sometimes when I become depressed. I began to question the things around me and overthink to the point where I questioned my own existence. Which sometimes even causes me to fall behind in class because I’ve convinced myself that there is no point in life. But I try to tell myself in those moments that we are all human, and that we will always have our ups and downs. It is just that we need to sometimes learn how to not make these negative emtionals control us. I know it’s not going to be easy and it is a long process. (I’ve literally been in therapy for 2 years now and still have a hard time controlling my negative thoughts.)
I just want to let you know that you are not the only one going through this and that you are amazing and perfect.
Good luck on exams :)))