Or; What is ‘here’ and ‘yonder’ in the home?

This week, one of the works that resonated with me was Young’s Throwing Like A Girl, and I looked back on my childhood. The part about ‘yonder’, the space outside of a girl, hit something different than we touched on in class.

I spent my formative years practically raised by my grandparents (on my father’s side), and they always were especially proud of me for being their first grandchild, and only granddaughter. These are things I had no control over, but a win is a win. They indulged in my habits and weird quirks, and kept me close to their chest, so to speak. I got lots of pink stuff, dolls, and the like, but I also got a fair bit of stereotypical boy things too. They let me play my special interest of a video game too, which is still my favorite thing 20 years later. All this to say, for a lot of my early life I felt like was a ‘girl’ in the same way an actor is their role. I thought I wasn’t; that being a girl or a boy was even that important. I was never allowed outside the house, unless my grandfather was home, even though there was a park right beside us. Enclosed in fences of other backyards, within view of the bedroom window, but the world was too unsafe for me.

This enclosure lasted until my junior year of high school- if I didn’t go out with my partner, I couldn’t leave the yard. (I did go up the street 3 or 4 houses, but I didn’t dare go further.) I know Young was referring to the immediate space; someone’s personal bubble, but I also offer that the idea that the ‘home’ is a women’s space, that the outside world is too dangerous is at least a decent addition. As much as I wanted to go play with the other neighborhood kids in the park, I couldn’t. As much as I wanted to just go on a walk in high school, I couldn’t, even though no one was home to monitor me. I still struggle with this; I’ll forget I’m an actual adult and can leave my room whenever I want.

I also took the ‘yonder’ socially too. Being autistic, there always seems to be some script I’m missing when I interact with others that I need to fill in. The way women and men show autistic traits vary, and I see that oftentimes I’ll look back on a situation or friendship and see that I was treated as if I wasn’t smart, like a baby, or just plain bullied in a way that was joking. I’ve come to understand that my being a woman (or woman presenting, at least. I like skirts.) adds to this ‘she just doesn’t know any better, she’s so innocent’ mindset people might have. This is where the Kosut and Moore article also resonated. I’ve always ‘acted’ like something in social situations. I didn’t realize socialization came naturally to others until like, 5 years ago. Weird!

All this to say, even though I didn’t see myself as gendered, I totally was, and still am. I used to be adamant that I wasn’t gendered, but I’ve come to realize in the last year I honestly don’t care. I’ll just do what I can to take up space, and if people see a girl, woman, or nonbinary person, that’s perfectly alright. I also really loved these past readings and I’ve used them in other classes, so yay!