“Autism is so predominantly considered a childhood disability that some autism ‘advocates’ claim that autistic adults do not even exist” – Stevenson et al. (2011)

Sitting in class,
Back to the wall.
Nothing is wrong,
Nothing at all.

The projector turns on
And it starts buzzing.
Suddenly,
Your head feels fuzzy.

The lights are bright,
The room is hot.  
The noise is getting louder,
Except it’s not.

The noise is there
For you to bear.
But everyone else?
They don’t care.

It’s an unbearable noise
That makes you violent.
But to everyone else
The room is silent.

You can’t get up,
You’re here to learn.
If you leave,
You’ll fail in turn.

Frozen, silent,
Emotions welling up.
You sit there obediently
Until you don’t give a fuck.

The lights are bright,
The world is loud.
I need to leave.
And can you stop making that sound?

Out of the room I go,
Somewhere alone.
I don’t care where,
And it doesn’t have to be home.

Away from the people,
I can’t be perceived.
I can’t let everyone see me
Fall to my knees.

I can’t let them see me
Finally break,
And I can’t let them know
That I’m a fake.

When the mask drops,
I become me.
I become the person
No one wants to see.

Unregulated emotions,
Quick to lash out.
Curled in a ball,
Only able to shout.

That shutdown lasts
For several days,
And everything
Is in a haze.

Responsibilities don’t matter,
You can’t even move,
And there’s nothing that anyone
Can even do.

For days upon days
Everything sucks.
And when you come back from that meltdown
You realize you’re fucked.

No time to cry,
There’s work to be done.
After you finish this assignment,
There’s another one.

Endless work,
Day after day.
With the hope
You’ll one day get paid

A feasible salary
To live on your own,
Because you so desperately
Want to leave home.

But this capitalist hellscape
Isn’t made for you,
And it feels like
No matter what you do,

You always end up
Three steps behind,
Because you aren’t able
To always be fine.

Autism isn’t strictly a bad thing, but it definitely has its downsides. Many autistic adults, myself included, feel too afraid to speak up about our struggles for fear of infantilization and/or stigmatization. My goal with this poem was to encapsulate the alienating feeling that comes with autistic meltdowns and shutdowns, and my hope is that it fosters critical analysis of our own practices and beliefs surrounding autism.