I was 14 when people first commented on my chest.
“Woah, I never noticed before, but you have big boobs!”
”Thanks?” I responded.
I was wearing a gray shirt that my mom bought me. I really liked the shirt, but its soft material happened to outline my chest.
I was 15 when I first noticed boys looking at my boobs. They couldn’t see anything behind the fabric that covered them, but their eyes would always be below my eye line.
I was 17 when I first decided I no longer wanted my boobs.
Do I get top surgery? No, that was too extreme for a girl.
Do I get a reduction? No, because what if I eventually want top surgery.
If I ever decided on a surgery, how would I pay for it?
I was 18 when I stopped wearing regular bras and switched exclusively to sports bras.
I was 19 when I switched to ‘compression tops’.
My chest has become a constant source of dysphoria that I’d like to disappear.
As I continue through life and gain a bit of weight, my compression tops become tighter and tighter.
When will it end?
When can I come to terms with my identity?
You won’t see me at the pool because ‘I’m not feeling well’ or ‘I have a bad sunburn.’
But really, it’s because of my insecurities and gender dysphoria.
Unruly Bodies 
Reading this was both powerful and heartbreaking. The way you’ve shared your experience with body dysphoria and the constant struggle to feel comfortable in your own skin really stuck with me. It’s clear how much emotional weight this journey has carried for you being forced to navigate through expectations, insecurities, and the pressure of conforming. Your vulnerability in describing how something so personal affects your daily life, from avoiding the pool to the discomfort with your body, speaks volumes. I also love the image. It really adds depth to what you’re expressing. It’s incredibly brave to speak out about these struggles, and I’m sure your words are giving others the courage to acknowledge their own battles.
This was a really fascinating read. As a cisgender person who battles with my weight and chest appearance, I could really relate to a lot of what you stated. It’s a common and unpleasant feeling to stand in front of the mirror, gaze at my chest, and imagine how my body would appear if it were smaller, less round, or simply not connected to me. Although it’s a never-ending effort to feel good about yourself and to deal with body dysphoria, it’s encouraging to see those ideas expressed so well and to know that others have similar experiences.
The reference to the pool and summer struck a deep chord with me. When I saw how relaxed other people could be while my own thoughts were progressively taking over, those were always major sources of anxiety. Your description of your physical agony truly resonated with me; it’s strong and incredibly reassuring to have those emotions communicated.
Thank you for this amazing read !
As a cisgender person who has also had issues with weight and with a bigger chest I really resonated with this. I had a friend comment to me that they had a crush on me and they liked me more once my boobs got bigger. It leads me not to want to be perceived most of the time. I feel like pools are a constant source of anxiety for teenagers, which was highlighted in the movie Eighth Grade. Thanks for sharing!
Your story really hits hard and feels so real, especially the struggle of dealing with body image and dysphoria. The back-and-forth of trying to feel okay with yourself while also dealing with what others expect is so draining. It’s heartbreaking how something as simple as enjoying a day at the pool becomes another battleground for self-acceptance.
As a trans man this was both a familiar yet saddening read. Being young and not really knowing who you are yet, but knowing that something doesn’t feel right. The way you described your struggles with dysphoria feel all too familiar, but it is also an important description to share. Words hold great power, and describing an experience like this so openly is impactful. Also, self-tested tip: for swimming, either buy a size up in binders and also a swim shirt OR get yourself some trans tape and that same swim shirt.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that as a child no child should ever feel like that and I empathize with you on that matter because I went through the same problem growing up and those comments did mess with me even till this day. This post did trip me up a bit sadly seeing that I wasn’t alone with this specific experience but I’m happy that this was a space where you were comfortable enough to share this powerful post and I hope one day you can look at yourself and feel really good and powerful in your skin.
Wow this was great, It’s clear that you’ve been navigating a complex and challenging journey with your body and identity. The feelings of dysphoria and the societal pressures you’ve described are incredibly valid and important to acknowledge. I know it’s tough when something as personal as your body becomes a focal point for others comments and gazes. The decisions about surgeries and how to manage your dysphoria are deeply personal and can be overwhelming, especially when considering the financial and emotional aspects. Switching to sports bras and compression tops shows your resilience and resourcefulness in finding ways to cope with your discomfort. It’s a testament to your strength that you’ve found methods to manage your dysphoria, even if they aren’t perfect solutions.