This will be the last semester of school for me, and it is shocking. I’ve been in college for about seven years now, so finally being able to finish is wonderful. However, the feelings I have could be akin to how one feels when going through culture shock. Since going to school was somewhat second nature to me, not doing so moving forward is simply surprising. As it was a part of my lifestyle for so long, and since it was something done by habit, no longer doing so will be difficult to adapt to. It is relieving yes, but now reflecting upon certain things, the reasoning behind why I put a lot of effort and work into school becomes apparent. Be it from the expectations of family, societal pressure of the need to have an education in order to be successful, and genuine fear of safety and security of my future, thinking about the reasonings behind why I went to school in the first place are a bit concerning. It becomes a conversation of whether or not it was even my personal decision from the beginning, or was it because of the significant/powerful external influences around me that pushed the decision to obtain a degree. Regardless, the fact still remains that I completed a long term goal that was a part of my life for a very longtime, which makes me happy. Committing to something for so long was not easy to do, as I have consistent problems with well, being consistent. Moving forward, I hope to achieve and actually accomplish any goal I set my mind to, since tasting success is incredibly enjoyable. Receiving a Bachelors in Psychology, I only hope that finding a career will not be too difficult and what I do will be something fulfilling and enjoyable! As I always say in every post, having the opportunity to reflect on my life and express such thoughts to others without the fear of being judged or persecuted is incredibly relieving, as it helps to gather and center myself and make clear what I need to do now. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share a bit of my life, and I will definitely miss this class!

Lately I have been able to consistently take my prescribed medication, something that wasn’t possible before because I was quite horrible at keeping track of taking something like medication every single day (hello depression my old friend). So, the experience of having the opportunity to feel ”stable” recently has been… eye opening to say the least. Before, I had a bad habit of keeping my feelings and problems to myself, not expressing them to others because of the fear of possibly being a burden to them once I share such sentiments. Opening up about my mental illness altogether was something that I believed that I couldn’t do; mainly because of the thoughts of ”no one will care” or ”how dare you show weakness in front of others” and so on (it was quite horrible, my mindset that is). Within the past year or so, however, this thought process of mines has transformed and changed quite significantly. I have met individuals who showed no fear in admitting that they were experiencing hardships in their lives due to their mental illnesses, and had no qualms with expressing how their illnesses have effected them yet they have continued to stay strong because of what they have gone through. It was admirable, and with their help I have come to terms with who I am and have accepted that the individuals who is myself can be loved and appreciated even if I have all of these scars and flaws that are hard to talk about. So, getting past the self acceptance and conquering the stigma behind acknowledging/talking about mental illness as a whole, the next conundrum was the amount of word ”vomit” that came from me when explaining simple things like how I am feeling. Unfortunately, the simplest of conversations would turn into ”trauma dumps” where I would reveal my tragic origin story to whoever so much as extended an ear to what I had to say, which of course is a problem. Sometimes sharing to people things that can be heavy subjects can weigh a lot on the mind (a talk they may not have been ready for either), so my current goal is to be mindful of what I am actually communicating with people. It is a struggle and quite the paradox, since at the beginning I felt it not okay to share, but when given the freedom to do so there are still restrictions and boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed. It is progress though, and I am at the point in my life where reflection of myself and the choices/the way in which I behave determine my confidence/strength to move forward on a path of self-care and acceptance. However, as I always mention in my posts, being able to have the chance to talk about my life on a platform such as this is comforting! Since I can share as much as I have so far about myself, I consider it progress that hopefully those who possibly read this also share with me the strength to keep moving forward with confidence!

For a while now, I have come to accept my body and all of its flaws and beauty. However, my constant body dysphoria and crippling anxiety/depression has made it difficult throughout my life to accept who I am. So, with the addition of environmental factors such as prejudice because of my skin color and the norms or role I must conform to because I am a woman, there is the question of whether or not it is okay to accept myself the way I am now or act in a way that conforms to societal expectations placed upon me. At a young age, I lived in a predominantly hispanic community, but around the time I attended high school my family moved to Maryland. The difference between where I had lived as a child and here was shocking: there were definitely noticeable differences between how minorities were treated and the way in which we had to perform in order to not be judged. At some point, it felt as if I was not even myself because of the crushing expectations thrust upon everything I knew. There were choices I didn’t know I had at the time due to my youth, therefore I most certainly did conform to the toxic norms that were forced on me, such as staying quiet and making myself have a small presence in the company of others. Now that I am older, reflecting on my behavior and attitude in the past has been enlightening; I’ve become stronger in the sense of knowing that my opinion matters and I can be confident in my opinions because they matter. Because of the strong support system surrounding me throughout the years, they have helped me built up the little confidence and self-love I had before, since they have consistently validated my beliefs and opinions. Thus, at the present moment I no longer care about toxic stereotypes nor roles I am ”supposed” to follow, and have found much autonomy and independence from the experiences I have gone through. On a side note, usually when I have these thought of myself and reflecting on life, they are kept within my mind and not expressed much since I do not really talk about myself so much. So, having an outlet such as this blog has been wonderful; being able to share my experiences and life with others, in the hopes of someone understanding or relating to what I’ve gone through, is my hope. If anyone does read this and would like to talk about experiencing similar events, feel free to comment!