2024 will go down as one of the worst years of my life.  This year consisted of some serious low, lows and high, highs. My biggest battle this year was the battle I had within myself. This past school year was rough. But, this specific semester was the hardest semester I have ever had. Juggling three jobs, six classes, grieving the loss of family members, learning how to learn about my adult body, and everything else in between has seriously been so hard. I’ve explained in previous posts that your twenties are the hardest and I will forever stand on that. I’ve never experienced so much sadness and trauma ever in my life until I entered into my twenties. Grieving the loss of a parent who is still alive is also another pain I never thought I’d endeavor. Everything has happened too fast and I’ve only been in my twenties for four years. When I was a kid I would fantasize how perfect my life would be when I reached the ages 20-25 and so far those have been nothing short of challenging. It’s hard for me to talk about my life without being so dark but I don’t need to sugar coat the things I’ve gone through nor want to ignore those points in my life because I know that those hard times were only part of the process of preparing me to be a better and stronger human. 

Though this year was the hardest, this year has taught me so many things that have helped shape me into a better person. I have grown so much in many different aspects, that almost the things that happened this year were meant to happen. During this year I’ve had the opportunity to learn how to prioritize my health and wellness, by noticing the changes within my body. I’ve learned how to prioritize my mental health. I’ve learned how to create boundaries with people even if that meant bonds would be broken. I’ve learned how to stand up for myself and to not feel guilty for standing my ground. I’ve learned how to properly love someone and to be loved. I’ve learned that having empathy is a strength rather than a weakness. I’ve learned that achieving big goals means that achieving small goals comes first. I’ve learned that everyone has different perspectives on things, and that’s okay. I’ve learned that people are not always going to agree with what you agree with, and that’s okay. I’ve learned that the things I love about myself are not going to be loved by someone else, and that is okay. I’ve learned that what I love about myself and my body only matters to me and to not give a damn what someone else thinks about me. And most importantly I’ve learned that the hardships I’ve encountered have only shaped me to learn more about myself, and to love myself wholeheartedly.

Truly and fully accepting the good in the bad, and the bad in the good in my 2024 yin yang year.

Why do strangers think it’s okay to comment on someone’s body, especially when they have no idea what someone is going through? Lately I have been experiencing more judgment than I ever have because I work at a public restaurant, where I see regular customers quite often. I’ve been at this job for almost a decade and I started here as a teenager, so obviously my body has changed over the years. But, what annoys me the most about working in the public eye is that people are just genuinely rude and judgemental. I’ve been asked multiple times by my regular customers if I’m pregnant, or if I’ve “let myself go.” I’ve also had two separate people, who I don’t even know, ask me if I agree/ also think that I’ve gained weight. People have asked me if “covid’s got the best of me” or just tell me that I “look bigger and my face has more weight to it.” What I think is the craziest part of all of this is that I think I’m pretty skinny. Am I the 100lb girl I was when I was 15? No, and am I only 130lbs? Yes. But, it has been proven to me that people only categorize girls to be skinny based off of what they have seen on social media. 

To make this story even worse, the only people who have ever commented on my weight or acknowledge the change in my body have only come from the mouth of WOMEN. I feel like it is really hard for me to  wrap my head around the idea of women supporting women because I constantly deal with people like this. It frustrates me because the pressure from social media has caused more division in women, rather than solidarity. Which is upsetting because in today’s society we are in desperate need for true women’s support. 

I brought this up though because I want to tie it back to our class when we talked about how we think work can shape our bodies, in week 6. 

My body is the way it is because I am a growing and developing young female, where I automatically am going through biological changes. Plus the damage of 60 hour work weeks, and the overstimulation from mentally drainage from being a full time college student, and all the environmental changes have taken a toll on my body. No one tells you that your twenties are the hardest years of your life. Personally, people have glamorized what my twenties were going to be. My parents and grandparents would explain that your twenties are the best times of your life and to enjoy every moment because you’ll be in your prime. I’m in my twenties, half way through and I am still waiting for when the best times will start. It blows my mind that no one talks about how your twenties are the HARDEST times of your life. Your body changes dramatically in your twenties, and you have no choice but to just adapt to the changes and continue on with life. These changes could be environmental, biological, physical, or mental changes. Your twenties is the time where you are simply just figuring things out, and that’s not the easiest. I actually find it to be the messiest. 

Anyways, all of these factors have an effect on the physical appearance of my body. The body that represents me and the body I have to show to the world. I know it’s okay to go through these changes and I don’t really let the thoughts of other people bring me down or hurt my self-esteem. But, what’s sad to say is that I didn’t think like this until recently. My job has shaped me into this tougher person because working with the public is hard and can affect people if they let them. I used to let others’ opinions crush me, but now I truly don’t care what people think. People are entitled to their own opinions and I respect that, the only thing I don’t respect and will not tolerate is the pure rudeness from strangers. And I thank my labored body for allowing me to become like this.

My whole life I’ve been called a busy bee. But as I’ve grown up I’ve lived up to the nickname. I started working at 15 years old, and have not stopped since, and I actually still work at my first job as the Supervisor.

Working is a part of my normal routine and relaxing is a luxury, and for some reason if my days off are not filled with things to do then this heavy weight lays on my shoulders of being guilty for not working if I don’t have anything to do. Taking a break is not easy for me because I am constantly always doing something. 

I almost get FOMO (fear of missing out) or feel shameful if I have nothing to do and I don’t go to work. I guess this explains why I get so anxious when there’s nothing left to do. I hate feeling this way though, because I literally have worked my whole life. When I was a child I would get up early and go to work with my dad on the weekends and then I was forced during the week to get up and to get to school by 630am because my mom worked at my elementary school as a daycare provider for the school. Once I got to high school I was told it was my time to get a real job, so I can “pay my part”. Meaning that I was no longer my parents responsibility and that it was time to fend for myself (to an extent). Since then I have been nonstop.

My parents forced college on me and my brother but didn’t realize that college wasn’t free. They were happy when I expressed my interest in wanting to go to college but were mad when I got accepted into a private thirty thousand dollar a year school. Then they were mad when my brother decided to drop out of college. It has been an ongoing war with my parents because no matter what me and my brother did or how much we worked it was never enough. My parents have watched me and my brother struggle financially numerous times and still continued to ask for our last dollar. My brother and I were the main source of income after we got jobs because my dad got lazy and my mom worked multiple minimum wage jobs just to make her part. 

Then I started college, and college students have it hard enough, let alone balance a full-time job or even multiple jobs with their studies. It has taken me 7 years to finish my undergrad because I’ve had to pay for tuition out of pocket and also balance my three jobs with my academics.

With all this being said, my parents loved the phrase you don’t know what “real stress” is. My parents still haven’t grown out of that phrase even though I work a full-time job, two part time jobs, and am taking 5/6 classes this semester. But, now I think from time to time that maybe they were right. Maybe what I am describing isn’t “real stress,” and maybe it’s just trauma. My trauma response is to crowd myself with so much to do that I literally get anxious and physically ill when I’m not constantly doing something.

Now, my parents aren’t horrible parents. Well definitely not my mom, but my dad is a different story. Maybe I am the way I am because my mom has always had multiple jobs to support my brother and I and my dad was always losing jobs and putting our family in struggle situations. So I can understand that aspect but, the diminishing of the feelings or obliviousness my parents had to the trauma they were causing on me and my brother and is something I can’t wrap my head around. My body to them is just for labor. One day when I have children I will ensure that they don’t feel the way I did/ do and their bodies aren’t just another body for labor. I stay motivated for this reason, because I will do anything to make sure my children do not ever struggle financially or emotionally the way my brother and I did.