I look at myself in the mirror 

My prescribed vision has never been clearer

But my eyes start to blur as the tears roll down

I don’t feel beautiful, I feel like a cow

I look at myself in the mirror 

My prescribed vision has never been clearer

But my eyes start to search for every flaw that I have

The stretch marks on my skin, the hives on my back

A thought claws out from the back of my mind

“This body of mine needs its shaping relined”

Through tears I stare and poke and prod 

The origins of that horrible thought

At the end I find a whole vicious plot

To get me to surrender my joy

I will not

I look at myself in the mirror

Shaken, battered, bruised by the world

The expectations placed on a black man to be strong, savage, and fertile have gone too far

I break the chains that have held me down 

That prescription was wrong but I can see clearly now

They lied about my body to me 

They said big was worse and black was dirty

They pushed me to hate myself and for what?

So i could give them more money, be docile, unfree?

If they want a savage, then that they will see

It is savage to love yourself thin, thick, sharp as a diamond ring

They called my ancestors savage for doing the same thing

My Black disability ain’t about ability 

My Black disability is about your perception

You see my blackness first then get to offending me

You feel my disability and use it like a weapon

The diss ability I carry ‘round like a gun

Shaming myself for slowness of thought

If I could transmit my body to another one

I’d do it but still I’d feel lost

My Black disability ain’t about ability 

But you sure make it seem like it is

There are so many labels these days. 

I could tell you I’m a Black, queer, masculine-presenting, neurodivergent, disabled person, or I could tell you my name and keep it pushing.

I don’t know many people who just walk up to you and introduce themselves with their labels off-rip so maybe that’s a bad example but I hope you get what I mean. Many people these days subscribe to many different labels for themselves in order to find community. Labels have historically been used to help people from marginalized communities find each other and relate to one another. But these once helpful labels have become harmful.

Looking at the LGBTQ+ community now, what we see is gatekeeping that has risen to an unhealthy level, where people have to meet every single strict standard to fit into a group. This to me feels like doing heteronormitivity with extra steps. Why are we as a community not just going with the flow. This strict binary often alienates queer people who don’t fit into a box. At what point do we say having a million labels is counterproductive and we should just get rid of them and be people?

The new cruel world was built off of the backs of slaves and the only reason oppressive systems continue to thrive is because of the continued exploitation of black people across the globe. The black body has never and will never be seen as human as long as these systems have existed and continue to thrive.

What I just wrote did not come out of thin air. It is the base of Afro-Pessimism, an ideological framework coined by Frank B. Wilderson III, and during this class and the times that we are living in, I can’t stop thinking about it.

“Why are you always making everything about race?”, a white person comments on an Instagram post about Myles Garrett, a defensive end for the Cleveland Browns who said he was called the n-word by a white player. I immediately get angry and start to draft a witty response before immediately stopping myself, thinking that it’s not that deep. 

The real question is, how can you ignore race?

It permeates every aspect of our society yet many a white person I’ve spoken to would like to act like it doesn’t exist. Reading Linda Alcoff’s, “Towards a Phenomenology of Racial Embodiment”. really drove this home for me. All of our differences in behavior drawn down racial lines is societally influenced. You’d be hard pressed to find a thing that descendants of slavery in the United States do as a collective that isn’t influenced in some way by our relation to each other or white supremacy. 

I think that is why I find it hard to have conversations with white folks about race specifically. Because a lot of them refuse to address the elephant in the room: they don’t see me as human.

I think if I told that to a white liberal friend, there would be a reaction like this,

“What? No, I see you as human.” or “Yah, a lot of those white people don’t. But I do.”

The problem with that response is that it’s not addressing the issue. I mean you too liberal white friend. I mean you too.

And to be clear, it’s not their fault. Every person in our society is raised to believe that Black is at the bottom of the food chain. Recently, I’ve even seen it start to affect my black brothers, sisters, and siblings alike, with Black conservatism on the rise. But because white people have historically been the main perpetrators of this race system, I notice the devaluing of black life coming from almost every white person I’ve ever met.

I think this is showcased best in reactions to death. Like today, if someone committed an act of political violence against a white person on the right for their political beliefs, we know what the reaction would be from white liberal politicians and white conservative politicians. That reaction being one that treats that life with value. Ex-presidents from across the political spectrum would chime in and say that the person should rest in peace. Because that person was a person and all people deserve respect.

Unless you are black. 

Think about the black bodies in recent history who weren’t killed for harmful political beliefs, but instead for shopping while black, or walking while black, or existing while black. If we get a major media response at all, it’s one shrouded with doubt from the right, and what I like to call the stench of performance from the left.

This is admittedly the weakest part of my argument, but I speculate that most of the responses seen on social media from white liberals in response to black death are responses made to show, “Hey, it’s not me. I’m not racist.”. They are posting or speaking out of defensiveness not out of a genuine concern for black well being. I feel like this is true due to what I call a snowball effect.

First, a infographic will be posted by one of my black mutuals. Then a white mutual will see that infographic and repost it. And third all of their white friends feel pressured to post it to show that they care too.

These posts disappear as the week goes on and as they move on because they can move on, while black people are stuck remembering the fact that tomorrow it could be them. 

If Black Lives Matter, it’s for a month. When White lives matter, it’s in perpetuity.