I haven’t been feeling great about my body lately.  It’s because I’ve been spending so much time at my desk or hunched over a book (thanks, finals).  But it’s also because I haven’t been able to wear my favorite pair of jeans since I got back from my time abroad (where I ate everything I wanted because cultural experience!).  I’m telling myself not to let a pair of pants make me feel this way about my body, but I’m feeling it.

I told myself that I was going to start running this month to relieve stress and to help myself feel better — generally, but also, hopefully, about my body.  But I really don’t want to go on a run today.  I feel tired and sore; there’s other things I could be doing.  

But I also really do want to go on a run today.  Because I want to feel better about my body.  But I also don’t want to make myself do something I don’t want to do.  I want to feel better about my body anyway.

I also want to feel in control of something.  I know that I’m really not in control of my body and that trying to be too much in control is problematic.  But I like the feeling of pushing myself a little farther, knowing that I’m in control of how fast or how long I’m moving.  

And then there’s that voice in my head that says, “Stop thinking to much about the WHY you want to, the WHY you don’t want to, and go run, you lazy girl.”  It’s a mean voice, and I’m telling it to be quiet because I like to think about things.  

Update: I went grocery shopping instead and then cleaned out my refrigerator and watched The Mindy Project (more conflicted feelings!).  When I finished I went running, mostly because I didn’t want to start my homework.  I felt good about it.  But I’m still not sure why.  Because of the endorphins and the outdoors and the music?  Or because I did something that I hope will help me get back into that pair of jeans?