I’ve typed out this final blog post about 6 times already and deleted it each time because I just wasn’t sure what to write about. Actually, I knew exactly what I wanted to write about but couldn’t because it felt a tad bit too personal. If anyone remembers from me saying in class, I hate sharing anything remotely personal online but after 6 attempts of trying to write about other less relevant things, I found myself stumped because I couldn’t go anywhere with it. Although this isn’t as deep as some of the other posts so far on the blog, I figured that since everyone else has been so open, I might as well. Here goes nothing…

Well, there is this problem that has been plaguing me for the past couple months. I am constantly at war with myself on how to portray myself professionally, so that I can be respected in the “industry” as a woman. And by this, I mean not as a slut. So that this will make more sense, I’ll say that I do a bunch of various “artistic” shit, but mainly, I’m a photographer and a clothing stylist, and a handful of my clients are Grammy-nominated musicians. I won’t name drop, but I had this incident not too long ago with one of my all-time, hands downnnnn second-to-favorite music artist…

I’ve been to all of his previous shows in DC in the past, and we follow each other on Instagram, I guess that was how he got a hold of me. I remember I received an email from him letting me know that he would be back in DC the following weekend for a show he had here, and that we should take photos. I was ecstatic because I mean, Hello?! This is a man whose music I listen to probably everyday when I get dressed, while driving or before I go to sleep. We exchanged numbers and after setting up a location and date, I got the vibe that he is now flirting with me. Not wanting to ruin this opportunity to work with one of my favorite music artists but knowing that I needed to say something, I told him that I have a boyfriend. It was almost instantaneous that his entire demeanor changed. Long story short, he began to completely ignore me. Like, completely. He went from sweet-talking to cold-shoulder. I’m just like, Is he ignoring me because I told him I have a boyfriend, and henceforth won’t be having sex with him? After several days I concluded that was what it was. I remember feeling appalled because of how disappointing the entire situation was. Imagine being such a huge fan of someone’s work and then you find out they’re actually an ass. And the thing is, I blatantly loved this man. You know how some artists you just truly love, you own all their albums and download all their songs and basically know their entire life? He was that for me. However, I kept it professional for a number of reasons and it was apparent what his intention was. My thought was, “….You reached out to me though…” It’s not like I harrassed his people trying to get in touch with his manager so that I could lock him in as a potential client. No, he went out his way to email me from his own personal email, not his manager’s or assistant or anyone else’s. What gives? Needless to say, the photoshoot never happened.

Sidenote: I’ve had smaller incidents where I’d be backstage in my client’s dressing room before/after their shows to do touchups or outfit changes for their interviews, and they allow their “groupies” to come backstage with them. I’m usually just chilling since I need to make sure they look appropriately, but from someone else’s point of view I probably look like just another groupie for being back there. It’s not like I have a sign stapled to my forehead, “I AM THE STYLIST, NOT A GROUPIE”. *sigh* Woe is me, right? I know so many girls who would jump at these “opportunities”, but I just can’t.

Anyways, that was just one of the bigger incidents I’ve had where I had to re-evaluate my professionalism and make sure that I was not being seen as just a girl who’s trying to get ahead by having sex with celebrities. Sure, I’ve made good connections and kept contact with the people I’ve met along the way, but I swiftly decline all offers to be flown out to whatever city they’re in just to “hang out” because realistically. We all know what that means – that you have to give them something in return if they’re gonna fly you out and put you in a hotel. I’m sorry to anyone else who’s done this, but it just isn’t me, and I refuse to build up my career in that way and be known for that. That’s my personal struggle and experiences I’ve had thus far as a woman because I’m constantly trying to make sure that everyone else knows that there will be no funny business. When I talk to my guy friends who do photography or style, they don’t have any of these issues and it’s so frustrating. If anything, they say they struggle with not coming off as a creep but never do they have to deal with being bombarded and treated as a sexual object. Then, when I wear clothes that cover myself up from head to toe, I get complaints about not having a fun personality to work with and being “too” professional. So it’s kinda like, I can’t win. Where’s the middle ground? What do I need to do to ensure my professionalism all the while maintaining a positive space so that my clients feel comfortable and will continue wanting to work with me?