Trigger warning: Eating disorders, body image
Genetic “body type” is a strange thing. For as long as I can remember, my older sister has been a size zero. Slim, tall, and willowy, with long legs and a flat stomach. She eats anything she wants at any time she wishes, while thinking of the nutritional value of none of it.
When I was 16 years old she said those words to me. I was standing, leaned against the couch in my Aunt’s living room, and she told me that I had thunder thighs, with a laugh in her voice. This, as is the case with almost anybody, was not the first time that somebody had said something negative about my body. This instance, however, stands out vividly in my memory.
That was the day I stopped eating.
This single comment wasn’t the cause of my spiral into the world of eating disorders. It was simply the catalyst for something that had already been growing. Having already been at a time in my life when everything felt like it was spiraling out of my control (as most things do at 16), I discovered that my weight was the one thing I could control.
It was easier than I thought. I would have an apple for breakfast, give away my small packed-lunch once I got to school, and put the majority of my dinner down the garbage disposable when my family had left the kitchen. I remember having moments of weakness and binge eating food late at night. I would then sit by the toilet and cry, because I physically could not make myself throw up. I felt as if I could feel my body absorbing all of the calories and turning them into fat.
My body, and my problems with my body, absorbed my every thought. I constantly pinched my stomach fat (a habit I still have not broken) to remind myself that it was there. I knew that I could be better. Other people had “perfect” bodies, right? So why couldn’t I do it? The thinness of my body was directly correlated with my self worth and it sickened me everyday.
I honestly don’t exactly remember when or why I started “getting better.” I do know that I still struggle with having “normal” eating habits to this day. I still cry whenever my sister makes seemingly harmless comments about my body. And I still think about that 16 year old girl that didn’t know that she was beautiful and feel sad for her.
This isn’t exactly a scholarly post, nor does it offer great insights about the body or my embodied experience as an insecure teenage girl. But I’ve never openly talked to anybody about these problems before. I don’t believe, even now, that I could share this story aloud. This blog seemed like as good a start as any, so here you go, world.
Unruly Bodies 
Talking about eating disorders is super difficult and I’m proud of you for deciding to speak up through this medium. Embodiment as a teenage girl, food and weight control, the secrecy of eating disorders, and the obsession with perfecting your body… it all takes a nasty toll, and I’m proud of you for surviving it.
I’ve got pretty much the opposite problem that you have – I rebelled against negative comments about my body by deciding to binge on huge quantities of unhealthy food. At first it gave me a sick sense of satisfaction, independence, and anti-establishment pride… but it’s been five years of this behavior, I’ve gained a lot of weight, and I feel out of control and super ashamed of my behaviors. Acknowledging this out loud is humiliating, and I don’t know how to even start looking for help.
What I do know is that while I may not have experienced a restrictive eating disorder, I stand with you in solidarity in your continuing fight against negative body image and negative associations with food. If you ever need to talk, I’ll be here. ❤
Try looking here as a place to help. I have personal experiences here and friends experiences at this center. This center has helped and saved many lives. Stay strong! http://eatingdisorder.org
I’m sorry you’d had to struggle with that, and I’m glad you’re improving. I feel like many people, not just people with eating disorders, use and abuse their bodies to get a sense of control. When life gets crazy, some people drink, some people eat, some exercise and some don’t move for days. Our body is the only thing we have, so it can be a source of stress and relief at the same time.
It takes a lot of courage to do what you just did! Many people can and will relate to your story, so thanks for sharing it. Look back to that 16 year old girl and see where you are now and smile. It may still be something you struggle with, but keep “getting better” and know that you have many women behind you with support.
A lot of people can definitely relate to you. It should be refreshing to yourself that you can even talk about it because that means you at least reached a milestone. Its better to just look back on it and just have that make you a better person and excel.
I’m so proud of you for being able to talk about your eating disorder, I’ve struggled with the same thing and I know it can be hard to do. Eating disorders really are something that you have to work on constantly, but I promise it gets easier as time goes on, and it’s an amazing feeling when you slowly start to realize how to love your body.
Also I think thunder thighs are awesome, just saying.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a great deal of bravery to even give people a glimpse of your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes people don’t realize how hurtful their words can be. I could relate to your story in various ways and want to reassure you that eating disorders can be managed. Recovery IS possible. You don’t have to live in shame. This center (located in Towson, Maryland) has saved the lives of some of my friends. The center is a great resource to learn more about eating disorders and recovering from them. http://eatingdisorder.org Stay strong!
I get it. Reading your post inspired me to write my own tbh and it’s the first time I’ve ever really spoken or written about my issues. It’s hard to speak but it’s also so liberating. I hope you’re staying strong and I hope you can look back at your 16 year old self and know that it got better somehow, somewhere. I’m here with you and here for you ✊🏽