20ml of Paroxitine a day, 365 days a year. I have been taking this SSRI, or Selective Serotonin Re-uptake inhibitor before I knew what serotonin was. As it turns out, I have this chronic condition called Major Depressive Disorder. I can’t recall a time before being clinically depressed, and I don’t go a single day without feeling the weight of this pathology of mine. But this article isn’t about depression as much as it’s about what happens when you can’t take your medication.
Paroxitine is great- when you take it every. single. day. But if you miss a day, or two or three or four, you are in for some major withdrawal. I never thought I would be someone who would ever have to experience withdrawal- I don’t do any serious drugs those D.A.R.E. people warn you about in 6th grade. Still, within the last three years, I have gone through withdrawal every couple of months or so. When I run out of re-fills on my medication, it usually takes a week or so before my Psychiatrist can order in a new prescription and I have a chance to pick it up. During this week, I have absolutely nothing in my system, so things start to get pretty strange for me. As you can imagine, without depression medication, my mentality totally changes. I have uncontrollable mood swings, angry outbursts, a hard time remembering to shower or to eat. Besides crying at everything and having a hard time censoring my feelings, there are physical manifestations of being drug-less as well. The most common thing I experience is uncontrollable shaking, as if I’m freezing. The shaking gets worse the more emotional I become. I remember last semester, when I was going through a period of withdrawal, a friend of mine and I got into an argument, and it ended up with me wrapped up in four blankets, unable to speak without my teeth chattering. I also get flu- like symptoms, so on top of being incredibly sad and angry, I feel physically ill. I have actually recently gone through being un-medicated, on the dates of September 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and most of the 9th. During this time, I still had to go to class, work and do homework as if nothing were wrong with me. When we discussed sick bodies in class, it reminded me of my experience with chronic depression, and what happens when I give up the “control” of medicine. Either I go through my day medicated and controlled, or I reject the medicalization of my body and suffer greatly for it. Am I a monadic body for allowing myself to give control to medicalization, and am I disciplined enough to keep on track and not get sick? These are questions I’m just going to keep having to ask myself, because as of right now, I rely on just 20 milligrams of an SSRI to get by.
At least now, I have unlimited refills!
Unruly Bodies 
I too have depression (and anxiety), and I am medicated for it(wellbutrin and lexapro). Also, I recreationally use marijuana, everyday. The weird thing about the medicalization of drug use is that some of the drugs that doctors prescribe have withdrawal effects that are really bad, like your case. But those drugs are deemed acceptable because of the medical field, however, marijuana is illegal in most places. But from my personal experience with weed and the narratives of people I know, the withdraw from weed is minimal especially in comparison to other drugs.
I know my comment isn’t totally related to your post, however, I appreciate you sharing this. I also thought of my mental illness when we talked about sick bodies in class.
I think it’s interesting how you made the distinction between “serious drugs” versus prescription drugs. I feel like one of the issues with drug abuse awareness and prevention methods is that they all too often focus on a select few hard drugs (I’m assuming that we are probably both thinking of stuff like heroin, meth, etc.), while leaving a million other types of drugs (that are much more commonly used among students like ourselves, at least to my knowledge) out of the picture. I feel like addressing issues such as prescription drug use and withdrawal, in addition to the classic hard drugs we watch scary videos about in middle school, would be a progressive first step to take in erasing stigma and lack of awareness in health education.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing your story. There was a time when I was unmedicated for several years and it was the worst time of my life. Now I’m on a consistent dose of medication that keeps me sane. I can’t even imagine what I would feel like to be unmedicated again. I give you SO much credit for going to class while being unmedicated. I’m glad to here you unlimited refills!