The Book, “An Unquiet Mind” follows the story of Kay Redfield Jamison journey with bipolar disorder. I had to read this book for one of my college classes and was not looking forward to it. I have been on my own journey with bipolar disorder and was afraid the author would portray people with bipolar disorder, as being “crazy”, but aren’t people with bipolar disorder crazy anyway?

No, people with bipolar disorder aren’t crazy, though sometimes it feels like we are when we have no idea why we feel so different from everyone else. I was not diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder until I was eighteen years old. Before that, I always suspected that I had bipolar disorder. Since I was a young child I always felt different from everyone else. I was more emotional and more sensitive than other people I knew. It wasn’t until I was sixteen  that I really started to investigate symptoms of bipolar disorder. I read some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder and thought I fit almost all of them, but I didn’t want to be known as being “crazy” so I just told myself I just had normal highs and lows of every teenager and it was just a phase.

My depression started to get very severe and I eventually went to a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me as being depressed and gave me anti-depressants. I was relieved I didn’t have bipolar disorder, but I still thought that I had more than depression. When I was seventeen my bipolar disorder was in full swing. The anti-depressants the doctor gave me weren’t working and I was too erratic to even remember to call him and tell him I needed help. I went through these weeks of highs and lows and each was unbearable. I thought the book; “An Unquiet Mind” glamorized mania because the author said she missed being manic, when mania is such an awful burden. It’s true that when you’re manic you feel like you’re on the top of the world and you can accomplish anything, but what the book left out is how helpless you feel when you’re manic. When I was manic I was extremely irritated and everything agitated me. I talked too fast and no one could understand me. I couldn’t sleep and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I started to become paranoid about everything and constantly built up situations in my head as these huge dramas. There is nothing glamorous about being manic and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

My depression was just as horrible as my mania. I would feel so exhausted I couldn’t even get up in the mornings. I isolated myself from my friends and often believed the world would be better off without me. With the mix of mania and depression my life became a giant nightmare. It’s a miracle I was even able to graduate high school. After high school I decided that I needed to make a change. I met with a new psychiatrist. She gave me a check list (without telling me what it was for) and asked me to check off the symptoms I experienced. It took me less than a minute to check off yes for every single symptom. My psychiatrist informed me I had type 2 bipolar disorder and put me on the correct medicine.

When I first told my friends and family I had bipolar disorder I was ashamed and embarrassed. I had to “come out” to those closest in my life and it was really hard. I was afraid of the stigma surrounding mental illness.  A lot of people were shocked when I told them I had bipolar disorder, but after learning more about bipolar disorder, my friends and family understood me a lot better. I am blessed to have friends and family who don’t see me as a person with bipolar disorder, but instead see me as just me.

I found the book, “An Unquiet Mind” to be extremely triggering. It has been years since I was un-medicated and undiagnosed and the book brought me back to a very dark place in my life. At the time, I found that the book was hard to read. Now that I finished the book I’m glad I read it because it showed me how far I’ve come. I no longer have those highs and lows and live a fairly “normal” life. I live a healthy life thanks to my psychiatrist, therapist, friends, and family. Most of the time I forget I even have bipolar disorder because I don’t define myself by it. 

To anyone reading this who may have a bipolar diagnosis I want you to know, you are not your illness. Bipolar disorder is apart of you, but it doesn’t have to control your life. Bipolar disorder can be managed and you can do anything anyone else can do. Always take your medication and always make your health a priority. Surround yourself with people who support you and be your own hero. Bipolar disorder can be a really scary diagnosis, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t ever give up on yourself.