Stress-induced picking of the skin, also known as Dermatillomania, can be quite the self-conscious setback in life for those suffering, and also pretty unattractive for those who come across anyone who lives with it.

Dermatillomania can be described as an impulse control disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one’s own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused.

I know it seems like something childish and gross, but truthfully, it’s uncontrollable and often times done unconsciously… It’s something I’ve done all my life from as far back as I can remember and it embarrasses the hell out of me, and the embarrassment grows the older I get. I can’t say it has gotten any worse over time, but sadly it hasn’t gotten any better either. I kind of just always thought I’d outgrow this damaging habit. I often wish that my stress didn’t wind up being seen by others, on my hands no less. It feels especially horrible for a girl, because others expect you to have perfectly polished nails and everything around them well-manicured. I wish that was me, but I still try to make them look descent. I wish that I could just stop because hands-on tasks just become more difficult, and I need my hands for so many things. I’m so thankful for all that I can do with them but must they really look so shredded all the time?… Don’t get me wrong, there are good days (though far and few in between) but then the stressful times overload life, as it does for everyone… Then before you know it, the fingers are torn up and I almost wonder how it got so bad. So on those torn up “bad days”, I find myself hiding my hands in any possible way that I can in social situations, just so people don’t see and god forbid if they ask about them… Then that just creates more stress and anxiety in looking for an acceptable answer to give them. “They’re just paper cuts from my job” (clearly not paper cuts)… Things like that. No matter what is said though, they still look gross and damaged, and people begin to view you differently, while I’m left staring and envious of their blemish-free fingers. Sometimes I think about just sarcastically saying to people “Oh hello, I can see you’ve noticed I’ve torn the shit out of my fingers, let me tell you all about the high anxiety I have”. Maybe one day lol but until then, I am just trying to get by in the world with my hands under the radar because I have this love/hate relationship with my hands.