Pont des Arts, Paris, December 2013
Okay, I know this isn’t the case…but seriously. I’ve had shitty luck when it comes to dating women.
I feel like most of the time I’m the only lesbian twenty-something that strives for a monogamous relationship. Let me just give you a quick rundown of my dating experiences:
- Straight Women and experimentation: If one more girl comes up to me and says, “My boyfriend says it’s okay if I experiment with women” I’m going to crawl under my lesbian rock and never see the light of day again. This was fun the first two times but now it’s just sad. Hey, I think it’s awesome that women want to experiment, get it girl…I’m just not the girl for you. I just want love, man.
- The Bi-sexual Parisian: I was fresh out of high school when I met C (Let’s just call her C…because I would rather just leave it at that). We met on a lesbian dating site and talked for about a month. I was completely enamored with her because she was a fellow photographer and was an art student. C was living in Charleston, South Carolina at the time, only a 3 hour drive from where I was living in Clemson, SC. I made the journey from Clemson to Charleston to take a 23 year old out on a date…I was 18 at the time. We went to a french café and walked on the beach. *awh, how cute* Well, I didn’t hear from her for a year after that. She messaged me about a year later and confessed that she thought of me frequently but she had moved from Charleston to Paris to live with her grandparents. We wrote each other love letters and spent countless hours on FaceTime calls. We made plans to meet again in Berlin that December since I would be traveling to Germany for a school trip anyways. Long story short, on my one free day in Berlin, I purchased a last minute plane ticket and flew to Paris to see this girl. That night we went to the top of the Eiffel Tower and spent the night together in a cheap motel. To this day, it’s the most romantic gesture I’ve ever made. I didn’t hear from her for months after the fact. When she finally spoke she told me that, “she just wasn’t gay enough.”
- Polyamory: I met E (again, keeping their names private) at the 2015 Baltimore Pride. She was tall and mysterious and wore all black head to toe. We hit it off immediately and thus began a 3 month back and forth battle. It wasn’t until our 3rd or 4th date that she told me she was polyamorous. I was so smitten by her that I convinced myself that I could handle it but I knew that I was lying to myself. I finally had to cut ties because in the end, it was heartbreaking to think of my significant other sharing the same amount of love with someone else. I’m in no way saying that I have an issue with polyamory…I’m just a one gal kind of gal.
I’ve never really understood this part of myself, the overwhelming desire to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly content being alone…but at the end of the day I just want someone to come home to. I just have to be patient.
Unruly Bodies 
Your first point? Relatable. I’m not a lesbian, but I am bi, and for some reason, whenever I’m in a relationship with a guy, people ask if “he’s ok with you hooking up with women.” Um, no? Frustrating and I guess being gay gives you an excuse to not be monogamous. I think this is just a stereotype, but people who are actually gay and understand this struggle as well (they do exist!) will eventually come along. No one said being gay is easy.
I agree that girls should not come up to me saying their boyfriends think its okay to experiment because yes, you are not like a lab rat. Which makes me think about how girls date guys and they get their hearts broken by them and they think “oh girls can treat me better.” its very sad that was their “excuse” to become a lesbian or bisexual.
I totally identify with this, as well as the first comment. Being an out bisexual woman who is also in a long-term, monogamous relationship with a man has its challenges. For one, I constantly have to defend myself, because I am never straight nor gay enough. I have also never been with a women, outside of a few kisses here and there- but I haven’t really been with anyone outside of my current relationship, either. On one hand, I feel like I’m missing out sometimes, but the love and care I give and get in my romantic relationship makes up for it all. I love being with one person, and I hate it when people assume that, based upon my identity, I am willing to be with anyone. On the flip side, I’m friends with a couple who are in a loving relationship with another couple, and their experiences are also valid, just not for everyone.
I can’t relate to the lesbian or bisexual aspect of your story, but I do like that you wrote about wanting monogamy as a lesbian. I feel like society/media (whatever it may be) portrays lesbian women as being polyamorous and floating around with whatever woman they find. Clearly that is a misrepresentation so it is awesome that you wrote from your personal experience about the topic. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with one person! Keep looking and you will find someone who feels the exact same way you do.
I sympathize with your desire to remain monogamous. Maybe it’s because I grew up watching corny romantic anime and John Hughes films, but I could never picture myself being comfortable, even for a second, in the polyamory situation you described in the third point of your blog post. Regarding your first point, I myself am not lesbian, but I have had rude boyfriends in the past that did not seem to respect my queer friends (ex. him not really understanding the concept of pansexuality and asking if we could all engage in a threesome – still not sure if he was joking). Regarding your second point though…I found it kind of fascinating. Even if things didn’t work out with that girl, I think it was cool of you to describe your relationship with her; it sort of reads like poetry.