I own my beauty. I am beautiful. It took me a damn long time to get to this place, but it is here that I am firmly rooted and have been for some time. I do not come close to meeting the beauty standards for women in this society. My hair is long and wild and usually unkempt. My belly is big and round. My ass is huge, my thighs are heavy, and my tits are small. But here I am, still being beautiful. From time to time I catch myself wishing I were that model of womanly beauty, but I know I am just coveting something I don’t really want.
I am surrounded by beautiful women in my life. I know burlesque performers and Priestesses who paint and decorate the temples of their bodies in ways that leave me speechless. I know women who exude purity and peace in every gesture and word, always making you feel like you are being embraced in holiness. I know women who seem to navigate this world with every thing in its seemingly right place. I am awed by their beauty.
Sometimes I yearn to be one of these women. I want to exude elegance and grace and sexiness. But when I try to wear the kind of beauty other women wear, it is like trying to put myself in a suit that doesn’t fit. My beauty is ugly and dirty.
A candid shot of me dancing
A little over a year ago, I was dancing around a fire, the driving sounds of the drums filling the night sky. My big hips were swaying and my heavy, strong thighs carried me around the circle over and over and over again. I let my body move in all the strange and wonderful ways it wanted to, never caring how it looked to any one else. As the night wore on, my clothing came off, piece by piece. I danced all night that night. As the sun started to rise, the few of us left celebrated the coming of the light with renewed fervor in our drumming and dancing. I looked down at my naked body. It was covered in black dust that I had kicked up dancing upon the earth all night. My long hair was saturated with sweat and black rivulets decorated my flesh, looking like a black stream painted all over my body.
It was that moment that I felt the most beautiful I have ever felt in my life. I was naked and covered in dirt and sweat and my body ached from dancing all night. I was the sacred and profane. I was ugly. And I was glorious.
From time to time I still wish I could wear the beauty of other women. And then I remember my beauty and how good it fits. I’ve worn it in perfectly. I take a moment to feel cozy in my skin as I appreciate and admire the beauty of others.
I truly believe we are all beautiful, sometimes we just get caught up trying to wear something that doesn’t fit us well.
Unruly Bodies 
I love that you Love you! For some women it takes years for them to learn to fall in love with themselves. I believe that once you learn how to love yourself, you can truly and honestly give your love to others. I can really relate with wanting to have someone else’s beauty as well, I feel like that is just human nature.The most important thing to remember when you find yourself wanting someone else’s beauty is to remember why your beauty is above all. Recognizing and embracing your own beauty does wonders!
One thing that I realized as I wrote this is that my longing to be like other women is just misplaced admiration. I really am happy and comfortable in my skin. I think that the more I love myself, the more capacity I have to love others and agree with all you said. Thanks for reading!
Love this post! I can definitely relate to feeling this way because I have had multiple experiences with people in our society that try to bring me down because I do not look a certain way. But its do amazing once you start loving yourself and understanding just how beautiful you are and every other unique person out there is. All the pain I’ve had to endure throughout my life has been so worth it, to get to a point where I am truly happy with myself and love who I am.
I really appreciate hearing stories of other people who are owning their beauty by being themselves. I also really enjoy seeing the beauty in all people and appreciating all of the different ways that beauty can manifest. I am glad that you have been able to find happiness after such struggles.
I LOVE this post! Thank you so much for sharing such an empowering story. Finding self acceptance in the way people think of themselves is not always an easy journey. I love how confident you are in your body and what you’ve overcome to get to this place. Life really is about finding your ow beauty, and not to fit under societies ideal view of “beauty.” Your post inspired me to continue to strive with my own journey with self acceptance.
My best wishes to you on your journey. It can be hard. I had to shed the pain of years of being made fun of for being fat and unattractive. I think a big thing for me owning my beauty was in seeing the beauty of others. I just cannot look at s person and not appreciate them. I had to give that same gift to myself.
I really love your post and totally relate I have a physical disability that makes me look so different from other women, growing up self image was a struggle, a lot of self hatred toward myself and always questions of why me? but through a lot of self discovery and getting involved in giving back to others who are also disabled, I truly started experiencing peace about myself and accepting myself for the first time, loving myself and not being defined by societies beauty standards, my imperfections is what makes me unique and perfect and I applaud you for your post, I think all women today should stand together and build each other up instead of always trying to be in competition with one another.
Thank you so much for your response and sharing your story. I see so many girls and women struggle with self-image and now am supporting my own teen daughter as she goes through her own journey. As women, we really do need to support and accept each other. We should also recognize the validity and wonder of all the different ways we can be beautiful.
To know you is know beauty! You are the kind of beauty that stirs, that motivates, that loves, that dances, that shines, that holds, that releases, that teaches, that guides. You wear your beauty like no one else! This piece inspires me so deeply. “Sometimes I yearn to be one of these women. I want to exude elegance and grace and sexiness. But when I try to wear the kind of beauty other women wear, it is like trying to put myself in a suit that doesn’t fit. My beauty is ugly and dirty.” I can relate to this on many levels. I think many of us can. Ugly, dirty beauty is the best kind. Like the beauty of this earth, the beauty of existence, the beauty of life, of birth, the beauty of transcendence. That messy, perfectly imperfect beauty so unique for each of us. Thank you for sharing this!