Whenever I feel fear or uneasiness I am no longer able to engage in discussions. I shut down.
Today in class when were discussing Trumpet, specifically the question regarding the smell of death in the room shortly after Joss’s death, I felt myself unable to pay attention. I tried to take notes to keep myself engaged or read along with the passages being read but my mind was scattered and I did not feel present.
I’m still trying to unpack why this conversation feels so heavy to me, so please do bare with me.
Dr. Kate mentioned in class that despite all of us knowing death is unavoidable we rarely bring it up in conversation. I think, in part, it’s because people in general do not know how to grieve and so they have a similar reaction to mine: disengage and avoid at all cost.
This is not to say there is one set way to grieve or that people’s individual experience isn’t valid. On the contrary, perhaps if we were more open to speaking about death and loss, more people would not automatically disengage in such important conversation. That way, maybe there would be more of a community to surround and embrace folks when they/we lose someone. There would be more openness to share how grief has worked for other people and what has helped them.
Maybe then the question of what can I do to help? wouldn’t feel so awkward and intimidating. Maybe then people would actually have a support system during these times.
Personally, I’ve had very few encounters with loss. Most of them were sudden and felt immensely severing. Maybe that’s where my fear and discomfort come in. Fear that something sudden will happen to me or people I love and I’ll leave or be left with a great amount of grief.
I’ve only unpacked a bit of my uneasiness here.. Frankly, there’s still some to process beyond this point.. but perhaps I can leave you with the thought that though initially speaking about death may be difficult and uncomfortable, it could benefit each of us in different ways long term. Perhaps we can reach out to others with more ease when we are comfortable with an experience.
I’d love to hear thoughts below and would be grateful to have your help processing this.
Unruly Bodies 
I can relate to everything you are feeling and have felt when it comes to death. I too have lost people that I love, and to this day the grief and talking about it is still uncomfortable. I have noticed that many people often feel as though they do not know how to acknowledge one’s loss. It seems to be a very awkward conversation for most. Hopefully, one day we will become better accustomed to conversing about death, loss, and grief so that we can better comfort others, as well as seek comfort.
I think I actually disagree with this to some extent. I deal with death quite often now, with the fear of someone I know dying existing on a daily basis. In the communities I am a part of we talk about death frequently. It is something I am used to talking about. However, I do not think I am any better at grieving or understanding death in any manner. I struggle immensely with the death the surrounds me and it feels like grief is constant. I think death is too complicated in my mind to ever really improve on the grieving process.
I can relate to this so so so well. Losing a sibling was the hardest thing I ever went through and its still so fresh so it is very hard, it gets harder everyday it seems. I think the best way to deal with death is to cry and let your emotions out and talk about it. My sister got diagnosed in February 2016 and was gone in July. The best way I process everything is to unpack everything that has transpired in this crazy year. I think cherishing people while they are here is what we should focus on, instead of us focusing on if they are going to die.
I really agree that talking/dealing with death is hard and the conversation in class showed that. Something that I’ve learned over the years with the various deaths in my family is that (at least for me) I deal with each in their own way. the way I grieved for my grandfather is very different from how I mourned one of my cousins. Something that helps me be able to speak about these kinds of things is having a supportive community around me. As I Jewish person, I and my family/family sit shiva for those who we have lost (we get together, eat good food, remember good times, and let friends and family share the sadness). It’s not perfect but I guess what makes dealing with death easier for me is reminding myself that the person who died lived a life before they died. It makes having conversations about death a little more bearable.
I can defienitly see how death can be uneasy for someone who has experienced death to someone close to them but i know thats how a lot of people feel when they lose someone they are close to or just know. For me to be able to not let fear kick in is to remind myself to not put fear energy into things i don’t have control over like death. Death is a very vital part living on earth and knowing that every living being has it’s time to go natural or not it’s just part of the life cycle. I think that if death was talked about more it wouldn’t seem as scary and more of a beautiful thing like the way we view birth.